Just recently "somebody special" confronted me with quite some facts about myself and the majority of them were actually quite true. One of the things he pointed out was that if possible I would like to have my whole life planned out, know when and where will I get married and have children and how my career will go and in the end when and where will I die. And that it's time for me to really see that life isn't about planning and having everything under control all the time. And I do agree, to a certain point of course, but more than this he got me thinking why do I live my life the way I do.
And yet again I went deep inside my soul to see where and when has this started, to have a reality check why is it sometimes so difficult for me to surrender to life and loose control and maybe to nothing as a difference to always doing something! You see, with me, a day needs to be fully exploited! I mean it's sunny outside and there's not a machine in the world which could tie me to spend the day inside! There's so much to do, to see, to read, to write in this life and to really have most out of everything! I want to keep on learning and reading and growing - If you take this away from me, you might just kill me!But then again if you want to have full days in life, this means some necessary planning and yes, control over time, otherwise one can never do sports, cook yummy lunch, meet friends, have the sweet afternoon nap, read a book, do some cleaning, visit family, yoga in the evening etc etc....
But then, this somebody was right....doing all this is great, sometimes - not every weekend! So you see, today, I wasn't sporty me, I did the necessary dishes and clothes washing, only went across town to friends' place for a long sunny sitting coffee and chitchat, i kept my afternoon nap, added lazy afternoon on the terrace reading and writing....not planning, just going with the flow of the day.
Another question popped up, do I do all the crazy things over the weekend because I really enjoy them, trully really completely? Or some of them are on my agenda just to simply fit in? To be able to say to myself ok my weekend was great, because during a weekend I NEED to do all these things, not because I want to...there's no clear answer up til now, which I think we all know what it means.
Fitting in our just being me - where's the thin line which makes us unique or just somebody who does things like everybody else just because you "ought to do" these things in this period of life. And doing this brings us safety, because we know we can identify with others, the crowd and can get approval. But do I really need so much approval? Well for the past some years I needed it, but now I'm slowly turning back to myself. Back to black hat and red lipstick, back to my roots of being me, back to the feeling when nothing in the world could scare me, cause I trust life - the thing is, it won't be back, it will be forward: forward to stronger me, towards to knowing myself and my shady side, towards to new challanges and towards to what my somebody special said: life isn't something we plan, life happens every minute. So I will try to be brave to get out of my comfort zone - for the n-th time in the past few months, and go on my second date with Life. My first one happened on January 2nd and so far it didn't get me disappointed! Let's see where Life will bring me over the weekends :).
29 March 2015
18 March 2015
Somebody
I hope that everybody has somebody special in life. Somebody is not just anybody and there is not a lot of somebodies in our life. Somebody changes and different periods of our life bring a different somebody to us.
My life just now has two somebodies. Two which were never on my schedule, well i don't even know if you can have a somebody on monthly or weekly agenda. Both somebodies know me inside out and with both I can trully be who I am. Both listen to me and are brutally honest. And they are really good listeners! They are completely different and yet both so close to me. And they both know me for very little time yet it feels like they've been with me for my whole life! Both were with me, wiping those heavy tears and both bring smile to my face which makes me feel beautiful. They both know when i really need them and when i need a kick in my last part of body with lovely curves!
My somebody is somebody who i can call in the middle of the night for an advice. It's somebody with whome I can talk about anything and admit my fears and the craziest things i have done in my life and nobody knows! My somebody is somebody who thinks i'm the most special and unique person in the world and loves me for it. My somebody is somebody where I don't need to fit in and can be myself. My somebody cracks jokes on my account and I love it and laugh along.
And the most important thing is that my somebody calms me down. Each and every time, doesn't matter if im angry or sad or disappointed or whatever....even when I feel whatever, my somebody is there. And somebody gives big strong hugs when I need them.
And I pray that everybody has a somebody!
My life just now has two somebodies. Two which were never on my schedule, well i don't even know if you can have a somebody on monthly or weekly agenda. Both somebodies know me inside out and with both I can trully be who I am. Both listen to me and are brutally honest. And they are really good listeners! They are completely different and yet both so close to me. And they both know me for very little time yet it feels like they've been with me for my whole life! Both were with me, wiping those heavy tears and both bring smile to my face which makes me feel beautiful. They both know when i really need them and when i need a kick in my last part of body with lovely curves!
My somebody is somebody who i can call in the middle of the night for an advice. It's somebody with whome I can talk about anything and admit my fears and the craziest things i have done in my life and nobody knows! My somebody is somebody who thinks i'm the most special and unique person in the world and loves me for it. My somebody is somebody where I don't need to fit in and can be myself. My somebody cracks jokes on my account and I love it and laugh along.
And the most important thing is that my somebody calms me down. Each and every time, doesn't matter if im angry or sad or disappointed or whatever....even when I feel whatever, my somebody is there. And somebody gives big strong hugs when I need them.
And I pray that everybody has a somebody!
17 March 2015
Let it go
Letting go is the hardest thig in life and yet we circualarly need to let go of people, things, places, emotions, expectations, wishes, emotions...basically life is made out of "letting go-s" and the sooner we realize this the better for us. But can we really let things go? How do we know, that we actually let something go; is it a special feeling or maybe a sign send from up above?
It starts when we need to let go of mum and dad and make our first steps into this brave new world. When we experience freedom in line with heights of stairs and fences around where we walk.later on we loose our first doll or truck and again we need to say goodbye to things we cherish the most. It might be moving away from grandparents or just waving farewell to our best friends who change houses that create lost in our heart and we don't quite know what to do with it. We then change freinds when we go to school and high school and university and change jobs. In between we have to let go of old lovers and friends and create space for new people. We go abroad for a while and first we let go of home town and all of a suddon it's letting go of our own country. Not to mention all the material things we let go in between: our favourite pair of jeans or sunglasses, old haircut which we decide to change for new one, first car is always a mileston on its own!
Then we have our wishes and emotions...for which I believe we shouldnt let go, at least not wishes. Emotions are here as the ocean...they move with us, sometimes they cause big long heavy waves and sometimes they splash in our heart. There are also moments of stillness, peace and quiet, well at least in my life they are pretty rare, but they do happen. Interestengly enough we normally let go of positive emotions much easier than sad ones...why cling to the bad, when we should hold on the good ones?
You see now, that every day we need to let go of ourselves when we fall a sleep...we let go of reality and surrender to our subconsiousness in which we yet again dream of having and letting things go. So why is it after all this time so difficult to let go? To leave life heading its own way, when we know, that in the end, we can't really do much against Faith and God's plans. Why don't we trust the course of events and let go of our constant planning and prejudice? And I am sure we all know the feeling when we courageously let go - it has a special name too, it's called freedom (!) and only our ego plays stupid games with our mind and wants us to stay still in our cave and not move or change or try something new!
A quote which always pops up in my mind when thinking about letting go is: Sometimes you just gotta trust, have faith, breath and let go and see what happens!
It starts when we need to let go of mum and dad and make our first steps into this brave new world. When we experience freedom in line with heights of stairs and fences around where we walk.later on we loose our first doll or truck and again we need to say goodbye to things we cherish the most. It might be moving away from grandparents or just waving farewell to our best friends who change houses that create lost in our heart and we don't quite know what to do with it. We then change freinds when we go to school and high school and university and change jobs. In between we have to let go of old lovers and friends and create space for new people. We go abroad for a while and first we let go of home town and all of a suddon it's letting go of our own country. Not to mention all the material things we let go in between: our favourite pair of jeans or sunglasses, old haircut which we decide to change for new one, first car is always a mileston on its own!
Then we have our wishes and emotions...for which I believe we shouldnt let go, at least not wishes. Emotions are here as the ocean...they move with us, sometimes they cause big long heavy waves and sometimes they splash in our heart. There are also moments of stillness, peace and quiet, well at least in my life they are pretty rare, but they do happen. Interestengly enough we normally let go of positive emotions much easier than sad ones...why cling to the bad, when we should hold on the good ones?
You see now, that every day we need to let go of ourselves when we fall a sleep...we let go of reality and surrender to our subconsiousness in which we yet again dream of having and letting things go. So why is it after all this time so difficult to let go? To leave life heading its own way, when we know, that in the end, we can't really do much against Faith and God's plans. Why don't we trust the course of events and let go of our constant planning and prejudice? And I am sure we all know the feeling when we courageously let go - it has a special name too, it's called freedom (!) and only our ego plays stupid games with our mind and wants us to stay still in our cave and not move or change or try something new!
A quote which always pops up in my mind when thinking about letting go is: Sometimes you just gotta trust, have faith, breath and let go and see what happens!
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