Different

For the last few months I am often confronted with some very specific questions: why am I different to sense everyone around me? Why do have to face emotional roller coasters aged 28? Why can't I have a normal relationship and a lot of people is scared of me? Why my  job isn't a simple classis when what you get on a desk is predictable? Why do I sometimes have to feel all these heavy emotions? Why is it difficult to even feel what I feel, what even to explain it to somebody who will understand? Will somebody understand? Why do I love being in nature and sleeping in and reading and not partying outside? Why is it sometimes so difficult to keep on moving and moving alone, when everyony around has somebody they can hold on to? Why so many whys?

And it goes back to my child years. Even then I was different, I never fitted in. And this is what I wanted so much, I still do actually - to fit in. I can't really tell why, probably because being one of them, makes me feel accepted, safe, confirmed, acknowledged, not alone. For some time I acted in a way to be accepted and was surronded by crowds not to feel alone and yet I ran away from myself and my own emotions.

You see and now I have to confront this feelings again and again and again. There are days when I feel great, when I  feel me, different me. But then there are days when all I wanna do is fit in. When I feel small and scared and lone. When facing what I have to face means a huge jump to me. And yet again Life was very straightforward and showed me, I can no longer fit in. I need to face this one more challange and admit to myself, that my life will never be like everybody elses. It never has so far, then why should it be now? This is something I will probably have to remind myself day by day:

 

Every end has a new beginning or why cleaning your closet means making space for new styling in your life

I think world is in a phase of an end and a very powerful begininng. This E&B began I'd say around 2009ish, for some a bit earlier and for some, it's here just now. And it's all okay. Human race has destroyed so much and caused so much pain and suffer and yet it still searches for relief on the wrong side of the story. You see, we have two sides of the same picture. You can either say that the big picture went wrong the moment we started to praise money and power and shopping and looks. When what you look like, became more important that what you feel and do and are. When you can buy people and sell them like a piece of meat. When power and money became the piedestal of the the most important value in people's lives. And then you can look from the other side, when people started to believe that what they wear and have is the most important thing in life. That owning and having and craving and demanding are the new daily motos. When end justifying any possible means is stepping on and over human being and its feelings and soul.

And now an end came. An end which for sure will not start from the top, but it will be a bottom-up process, for which I'm very certain is in its strongest phase just now. So many ends have happened in the past years, which were very painful yet brought relief. So many people around me have been crying their souls out to clean all the mess from the past decades. So many companies went bankruptcy beacuse they wanted to trick natural processes of life and many many more will follow. 

What I actually want to say today is, that every end brings a new beginning. And we are lucky enough to be born in a very special time. Time when powerful changes are happening, shaking the whole globe and every cell of our being. For better. Never forget this. Universe is very straightforward when it has enough. And ends are never pleasant. Every end brings many emotions, which we do not express daily and come in enormous quantities, if you can even quantify emotions. And all this is okay. My dear readers, be happy if your life has exprienced some ends in the past few years. It just means you're in line with the global process of cleaning. And be sincere to yourself, take some time and then ask yourself, aren you really better off now? Don't you really breathe more easily? And what's important it, it's okay to grieve. Actually it's a must! You need to cry out every end in your life, shout, scream, write....take all the time in this world you need. The magic formulae here is to know, that every person has a differing time-line of grieving and secondly, don't push it. Do whatever it takes, but don't push it to end as soon as possible. Take it really in, feel it, go deep...only then you will soon realise it doesn't hurt anymore. And it's not important if we talk about grieving for a relationship, job, favourite pair of jeans, travel you didnt go, concert you couldnt hear...just feel it, grieve it and you will automatically let it go.

You know, when your closet if full of clothes and when you still wannna put some new shirts in, at first they are all wrinkled and then you start pushing it it, and all of a sudden 10 other things fall out and you're face with nothing but cleaning out your closet. You take everything you have and throw it on the bed. And then slowly piece by piece you take a look at what you actually have! Surely you've forgotten you have so many nice clothes, but then on the other side there's sooooo many things you will never ever wear agian and you donate them to charity. And then you take time and put things in order, by colour and clothes type or just how it suits you. Of course, all of a sudden there's so much room in your wardrobe and why not do some small shopping and try out a new styling!

See, just like the closet example, the end works. You get rid of old habits, feelings, situations, work-load and make space for new challanges. But you can't really see, what's there that doesn't fit you, if you're not faced with an end or with a full closet. Why re-organizing everything if there's no need to?! Well Universe is just now in the middle of its season-changing cleaning and throwing out all the garbage there is and this is reflected also in our lives. And if cleaning out your closet, brings new styling you have been wanting for some time now, why accepting ends happening just now, wouldn't bring new beginnings which actually fit your perfectly?

I know my life just now loves dirty pink, which kicked out the dark blue and black. And dirty pink just needs to have some yellow and white. You see, I didn't only change spring-summer collection in my life, but put all I have in my life on the bed and did the finest selection ever. And my new start in life came. After quite a struggle and a very interesting journey indeed, this year I feel this summer again. No coincidence I'm writting this on the 1st day of meteorological summer. My month. My time of the year. Time when daisies bloom and grass has the most vivid shade of green. It's time of new people and events in my life.

It's all okay to have ends in life, cause they really do bring new beginnings. Always.

"Don't cry when the sun is gone, because the tears won't let you see the stars" (V. Parra).