Signs or why you should always trust yourself!

I often hear people complaining, that they do not know what to do, what their next step should be, how to decide in this or that area, should they stay or should they go etc. Friends often come to me for a piece of advice and in the past I was all about giving advices and explaining what they should or shouldn't do, but this has changed in the past years. Who am I to tell people what to do? OK, I do feel very very well, how do they feel, but I am no God to have all the answers and in the end it needs to be us, who make the decision and take the responsibility.

Responsibility is yet another word, which I just recently re-discovered in a whole new aspect. Before it meant being on-time, doing what people tell you to do, respecting laws and also social norms, whereas lately I feel it. With me everything works in a way to feel. I need to feel people and I need to feel words, values...myself. So I felt responsibility towards myself and it's enormous and at first it freaked me out! But then it gave me strenght and made me feel free. It is difficult to choose correct words to describe this special moment, when my life got a new perspective. I realised, I don't need to do things for other people and I am doing them for myself. If I fight I am fighting for myself and otherwise I choose who I fight for. There is no "must-s" in life, there are only "I choose to-s". And then, when one really explors this feeling, the decisions we make are much less automatic, but this also means, that we are more uncertain and keep on searching for some arguments which in case of a bad decision would turn into excuse.

Well what happens to me is the following: I have noticed that whenever I feel like I am in a dead end, a sign comes. At first maybe I dont't really see it, but then one step later it comes as a huge add board, blinking at me! And then all is really really simple! What I suggest is this: 

1) Trust your guts! Really, trust them! As Jobs said, "Intuition somehow always knows what you trully want!" So observe yourself, give yourself a little time and always try to feel the very first moment, when you are faced with a question or a decision. That very first second, because after that, your mind turns on and it's too late! Your ego will always find excuses why it's much nicer and easier to stay in your comfort zone and just don't move! And if you start living your life like this, you can't make a bad decision! No way! All my best decisions in my life were made like this and they brought me happiness and joy and new experiences and people! So go out there and TRUST YOURSELF!

2) Look for signs! Ask God/Universe/Angels for a sign and you will receive it in no time! Normally, it appears as a song with very straighforward lyrics, billboard in front of your eyes, quotation on web, random conversation which your hear on the bus...and you know what they say, coincidence is God's way for staying annonymous. And don't doubt! That's the most important thing you need to know..never doubt!

3) If really necessary, ask people you trust for an advice. But then again, it won't be them who will bear with consequences of the decision and will be you, so be careful.

And know that in the end everything is just the way it needs to be for us grow and all is okay! Just always and no matter what, trust yourself!

Change

Play this and read.

And I'm back. It's been exactly one calendar year that I was not blogging. And All is Okay. Well....All is okay, was and always will be, it just depends on how I see the lessons. Last winter was nice, sunny, not so cold. I skied a lot. Spring was time for my girls and some crazy adventures. In summer I started to discover myself. Fall brought shattered times and soul searching. 2014 was an interesting year. I danced a lot. I love to dance...a dance I wished for a long time happened. It was short but sweet. A travel year I wished and a travel year I receveid. Travelling around Europe and Asia. And most of all I received a long, difficult never-ending travel into the depths of my soul. Somewhere I never have been before, in the dark caves and light open sky, where the biggest demon and best friend was myself. Just me. Nobody hurt me, nobody wanted anything from me. Just me, myself and I. I think 2014 was the most important year of my life, actually. I finally adimitted to myself my flaws, my fears, my demons, my old loves, my new loves, my loved-ones, my wishes, my dreams. I had to. Universe said it's enough of hide and seak.

A lot of people do not know what has been hapenning to me. And they are no longer part of my life. A few knew exactly what went on and I hold to them dearly. For some I know they felt me and some still do. Some were just next to me. Understood my alone-times and were perfectly fine with it. Some wiped my tears and brought a smile to my face. I met exactly one new person who has had important influence on me. Somebody who caused rock'n'roll inside me again in no-time....not even again, but just caused it as it appears, I never knew rock'n'roll so far...and met me when I was at my lowest. In my far far lowest moments, when all I did was breath in, breath out. And somehow is still here. And knows me like we knew each other for 25 years.

It was a year of challanges on how to put theory into practice. A year of honest words, sincere laughing, tears....many strong, sticky, tears which come with shaking. Tears crying out my pain, broken heart(s), old feelings and especially fears. Tears which brought new teachers in my life for whome I am endleslly greatful and know, will not leave. One special person was my port in the wildest storm of life. Showed me it's okay to be weak. It's okay to shout and laugh and cry. And December was dedicated to him. He knows how it is. From our first 20min, he feels me and I feel him. And his Christmas present was one of the best gifts I received in my life.

Then there were tears which showed me, who trully understands, and sometimes just listens. Doesn't judge, doesn't preach and just is. Next to me. I know know which hug comforts me, which one is honest and which one fake. And then there were tears of laughing....of sincere honest crazy laughing.

A year of "a first"s. First time in new land. First psychoanalysis. First honest confrontation with the Father. First "go to hell". First masterclass. First angry shout. First connection. Firstl feelings of other. First time being a boss. First "I can't do this any longer". First time admitting I am simply different. First chapter of my book. First search for my own new flat. First taking of my own responsibilities. First not-blaming you. First honest conversations. A lot of significant firsts for 365 days.

I begin 2015 different. Still a bit scared, unsecure, in a need of love - pure, honest, love. The kind of love I can feel will do me good. The kind which isn't scared of new paths. The kind that doesn't demand anything in return. The kind that respcets me.

The change is the only constant and all is okay.
I just need to put this change into practice. And this is what 2015 will be about.

Scent

It was yesterday, when listening to a marvelous concert playing Dalla's Caruso that I smelled a familiar, well known, soft scent....scent that reminded me of summer days in Provence, smell of pine trees in the evening breeze....scent of first love and escape. When nothing mattered, when all was allowed and the world was ours. The smell of freedom and days spent without food, just thinking of him. Memories of giggling, holding hands, slow and unsure kisses, shy looks and old towns, evenings spent talking about dreams over a bottle of French bordeaux. All of a sudden during the concert pictures were rolling in front of my eyes...colours, words, feelings, emotions. And I wonder where is he? What is he doing? Is he still a Parisian gentleman with a simple soul and green eyes that I know? But then, do I really want to know all this...aren't memories too precious to spoil them with new, grown up, reality?


How come have I not thought of him earlier? It has been 9 years, yet after our goodbye, there haven't been many moments of me thinking of him, especially lately. Interesting how we link smell to a certain event or a person. Is then all what remains in time and can really bring all emotions back the smell? Has scent such power over oud mind?


It made me think that from now on, it is not going to be pictures that I will wish to memorize, but scent of a place, of a person, of food. Even now when writing this, I can smell him and it brings a smile to my face. A grateful smile proving how lucky I am to experience all this, how there is no need to settle for less, when you know that such moments can, do and will continut to happen.

Failure

Life is interestig. When we think we have it all figured out, there comes a new "first time" which  normally shakes us a bit, makes us think differently and hopefully we learn from it. People who know me are familiar with me living life at 120%...I don't know how to do a thing 80%, I either do it or don't. And then comes a time, when you try to do something 120% and you screw things up...and you need to pick yourself up and go on. And it's hard, when you are used to doing things 120% and succseeding...and then you do it 120%  and you fail.

I guess there has been quite a few first times in my last year. A few first times in family, at work, with friends, lovers... A few which made me win the game and a few where I failed. And I love them all! I love every single one of them, becuase they've made me grow up...every time just a little bit more. I had to face myself, things I don't like about myself, which is always the hardest thing, and things I love about myself. But then once you do this, once you admit things to yourself, once you learn how to fail and learn how to get up, better and stronger, life becomes a nicer place to live in.

And it is also interesting, how we are becoming interconnected. Some might say it's just crap when you read about world becoming one big entitiy, which breaths together, feels together and works together. At least my life has become like this. All people who are no longer in line with my dreams, values and mindset simply left. No words were needed, no fighting, they just left. And I don't miss them, I don't feel the need to call them neither do they. And observing the same current of events and life with others, have showed me, that this is the right direction. Some people grow old with you, some are part of your life for certain period, some just to make your day and some never will be. The most important thing is, that we follow our intuition...as Steve Jobs once said, you always have to trust it, it somehow always knows what you trully want. I would add on top of it: it knows what you trully want and where you need to be at a certain moment in life.

That is why failures are great. They show a clear picture of who is there with you and supports you, and who doesn't even know that you failed at something or with someone.

It doesn't get easier, you just get stronger!