Almost at the top

It's been a while now, I know, but there were so many unfamiliar yet positive things happening inside and outside of me, that I just needed to take this break. My last blog, which is about missing parents although they were standing next to me, released a heavy burden and created me wings to fly. Even for this post, there's so many things I want to share with you, encourage you to keep on going, to observe yourself, yet I don't quite know how to start and what to write...

After my time off at the seaside in August, I came back changed. I've always known that seaside cleans soul, but this time it made a profound impact to me. I was there with my girls and we know how to listen to each other, challenge each other, yet leave ourselves alone. It was time of deep dives and chillaxed days under pine trees. For sure the most important thing in that week was that I surrendered. Such a simple and innocent thing, but I gave control to others. I didn't drive back home. I could, but I refused, I wanted that four hours that somebody else took control and I could relax. I left my tears to fall and wounds to open. All that heavy feelings when it was expected of me, I expected of me to be strong, to take care of everything and to solve everything. I couldn't do it anymore, it was too much. I was sick and tired of always holding everything together, leading, managing, healing. I felt the deep loneliness which was with me ever since I was a kid I think, the need for someone, just for once, to take care of schedules, to-do lists etc. And this simple thing, when a friend of mine drove back home, caused an explosion inside me. I was shaking with tears in the middle of a beautiful drive...

I'm not the same since then. Allowing this sort of deep loneliness come out, changed my need to be with someone. Don't get me wrong, I still wish for that to happen, but on a completely different terms and from different standing point. Before I was scared and wanted to be with some body in order not to be alone and not to feel scared. Now I feel like a tree, a pretty stable and old tree. A tree with rather deep roots which hold together its core even in storms. In self-reflection I have seen what all my men in life taught me. I've realized that every pain in relationships brought me one step closer to myself. With the help of the weekly talks I realized what each person is teaching me, which wounds are healing. And how do you really know you've changed for good? When the world around you is starting to change.

I said no to many things I believed even two months ago are my satisfaction. I met new people and old people who are renewed came back to my life. I set a price under which I'm not willing to go. I spend time alone and I love it. I cook and dance, differently. The mountain I've been climbing for the past four years, well I'm almost at the top. I always go alone. Just me and my backpack. Normally I get up early, to avoid people. I sweat and I cry and lately I enjoy. Legs hurt no more, my lungs are filled with love and freedom and interestingly enough, every time I go up there, I come back stronger. I don't pressure myself that much anymore but just let it be. Things changed at work also, but I don't really want to go into details, not yet.

One of the most important things which happened to me in the past months, is that past came to visit me. The past I thought will stay there, but literally people found me again. It's been four years since then and I was a bit scared of what I'll hear. But then again, even here I've changed. I don't care how the Past is and what's been going on. I know that my story is much different to the collective one the Past is living. I've decided for a different step, a step towards me. But I have to admit, hearing about the Past was difficult, painful. Filled with feelings of fault. But I also am strong enough to confront this front, although here it's not completely up to me, but up to the Past also. Regardless of the result, I am proud of myself. I know that 6 months ago I would react from that almost 30 years old wound, now I always do my best to react from love. Pure innocent love, because I believe it always comes back, in one shape or another.

I know that these months now, are an important transition period. A very specific transition period, where I'm letting things to go their own way and during which my roots will grow deeper and stronger. I learned not to compare and judge, but also to stand tall and feel proud of myself. I learned that each and every one of us only deserves the best. I learned that will not settle for less than I can give and will not care about what others think. There were many months lately when I felt I was judged by people around me for one reason or another. But none of them is me and never will be, so I think for the first time in my life I didn't care and I still don't. Having the power to look into our hearts for what we really want, not what we think we want, and stand behind the decision is for me one of the courageous things you can do in your life.

Adult kid

Now this one is completely unexpected and it hit me one day before leaving on holidays with my girls. I haven't really craved for it you know and I can't really tell how it came, but surely it has been preparing for the past weeks. All I wanted was to be alone and I was perfectly fine with it! Finally, after basically a year, I was all alone and happy with myself, at peace...spent time in the forest, walking, running, cooking delicious dinners. And I couldn't speak. To nobody. It was time of silence. I needed this time to recover from, well from the crazy world and myself I guess. From all the earthquakes inside me which changed my surface, on the outside and on the inside. And then again I died a little. Well, a lot actually. I can't say I haven't seen it coming, it's been up in the air, I was just waiting for it to come - as this is how a storm of revelation comes in my Life. It's never easy and lately it's getting deeper and deeper and hence harder and harder, but that's personal growth.

So, to cut to the point. Again I am about to go away, on short holidays. Very nice holidays actually, with people I love and who know me deep down, yet I felt like my world is tearing apart. And this time I really let it feel, feel what's inside me and all I could feel was that I miss my parents dearly! I though I was being nuts seriously! Living on my own, paying bills, responsible serious job and then I miss my parents. And what's more, in the last weeks I was sick and tired of taking care of everything. You see, all my life I was treated older than I actually was. The reason behind is, because actually I kind of am not a very typical for my age, responsible but soon (looking back now) I though this is not just being expected of me, but am me. Well guess again! It's not that it's not me, it's just that underneath, there comes time, when I want to feel 5 again. But this time, without thinking of when the next fight of my parents will be and taking care of everything just that we'll all be okay. There is another thing about me, I'm very sensitive. The moment a vibration changes in a relationship I feel it. So it was really very hard for me to be there when my parents were in a fight. But I only know this now. And what also helped was being around my nephew. He's the little angel of the family and when seeing how my parents are great with him and how cool it is to be just around, when the little one is around. How I basically missed being a kid.

Anyhow, the turning point, connecting all these feelings, was minutes ago, when I described all this to my friends, thinking myself I really am crazy and she simply said: "You know, sometimes you fight so much being an adult. It's okay to miss parents". And it hit me. It hit me deep and I realized this theme in my life actually. Trying to be an adult. A lot. It's not that my family expected this of me, I put this role on myself. Always being the responsible, grown up me, having all figured out. And then take a look at me now. Going on holidays and the little me inside would just like to stay at parent's house and hang around.

So you know, maybe in the next weeks I'll be an adult kid. I'll be adult where I really just really have to be. But in other areas, I'll be the kid again. I'll let my dad drive me around, going shopping with my mum and will just hang around with my parents. Because I never allowed myself this ten to twenty years back and I luckily and hopefully have some time to catch up. Don't get me wrong, I'm not talking about putting the responsibility for decisions to my parents and not leaving the nest, not at all. I'm taking about admitting to myself, I don't always have to be the grown up 24/7, there will be plenty of years to come.

And again, I'm grateful for the pain of last days, solitude days which brought me back to me and especially the little Me, who needs a hug, some encouragement and just doesn't have to be all grown up all the time. I guess I just saved the kid inside - some innocence and this free little girl who believes in happy endings.

A storm causing freedom

It's been a while now, I haven't written anything, but there was a storm in my life, well it's still here actually, but this time, I'm not fighting against it, but following its winds. A storm which caused some further objects to fall in my life, making space for something new. It started with two weeks which I took off. I needed it. I had to calm down myself, to really feel, to contemplate all what has been happening in my life in the past half a year. I needed feelings to settle, wishes to have space to come out and me to set my internal compass again. As it seems, this time into a whole new direction. It's too early to talk about that, but what I do want to share with you is what happened inside of me, that I know and feel I will be able to do this change in my life. Something for which I am sure will change the path of my life and something which can cause yours to shift too.

As said above, it started when I was at the seaside. Ever since I can remember, sea has had a special influence to me. It clears my soul and body, causes me to see things top-down, from a wider perspective. Strangely enough, all I could do during this vacations was rest. I was exhausted, still am I guess. And it went on from there. Why am I so tired? Who am I giving myself to? What do I get in return and do I get anything in return? I prayed, did some yoga but more than anything I rested and had long conversations with a person very dear to me. Actually I got to know this person from a whole new perspective, some new bonds tied us together even more. And during nights under the stars and long morning coffees, I felt it. It came slowly yet steadily and what is more important very differently - this feeling of freedom and self-love. I do not even know how to describe it...it is something different, something that made me feel much stronger, a force which torn down something old in me. Something which changed how I see some relationships in life, how I see what I do on a day-to-day basis. It didn't come over night, surely not! It was in me for a while now, yet every time until now I knelt down and couldn't manage it, couldn't make a step further. This time I can and I will.

It was coming together for more than a month, hence my delay in writings. I have much to write, but if I don't feel right about it, I can't really do it, for me it needs to come from my heart, be sincere. Anyhow, in this weeks, when all was being prepared inside me, I knew something was up. I always feel like this, tired, cranky, need time to be alone, but I couldn't have it. Not in past weeks, not until this short break. And then it hit. There were some very clear dreams, earthquakes, damaging the building completely, me saving some important people in my life. And it went on and on. And all of a sudden I felt, I don't want to feel or be in any kind of relationship with anyone and anywhere where I feel self-evident. Where it is expected of me to be always there, to take care of everything, yet get little in return. And trust me, there were quite a few fields, I had to go into. And my main conclusion was, I deserve more. Very simple actually.

I am who I am. I am not self-evident. I am special and want to be, work, hang out, love, spend time with people where I feel that way. Very simple conclusion, yet the kind that I only read in books about it, had a feeling here and there in past (otherwise I wouldn't be able to move on, to where I am now), but this time, I am taking what I want - freedom in my life.

 

Curing each other

 

Hmm how to start writing this one. So you see, what I can see as one of my most important missions in this life is to help others and by helping other, I help myself. Not just help, but cure, literally. It took me for years to finally admit this to myself, as it's not the easiest thing in the world. It means I have to work on myself constantly, seeing all the relations and if I want to help others, I first need to help myself, meaning normally I have to go through a lesson, in order to be next to others, when they go through something similar. I don't really think a person can understand and really help, compassionately, if one hasn't experienced it on his/her own. So that's one way of how I help people around me, more and more. Things just happen, I don't plan for people to come into my life. When fighting my own struggles, teachers came and throughout my whole life, they all gave me a simple conclusion: your mission is to help others. Nothing more complicated than this.

So I stepped on it. On this life-long journey for which I have no idea where it will lead me, and this is also why I'm writing this blog. As I would like to let all of you know, that it doesn't matter what's going on in your life and how strange, difficult and unusual it is, I can almost guarantee you, you are not the only one. It's because of that I talk about myself when I feel it's appropriate and necessary. Because I know I have the power to influence people and make them think. And it's also because I try daily to do what I preach, is that my moral standard are high above the sky. Sometimes so high, that people don't really understand why am I doing things I do. And in most of the cases it's difficult as hell, as I have to overcome my ego. And my ego is rather high, it's my highest guard when it comes to securing my heart and emotions. Yet, only by try to overcome it, I am developing myself, my reactions and I grow. That's why personal growth is difficult and if your ego is strong, you most likely have very interesting lessons in life. Of course it's only up to you, if you will see the lesson and try to learn something from it.

And as said above, it was difficult for me to admit to myself that simply, I just am a little bit different than others. Perhaps complicated, perhaps complex but then maybe I just feel deep and really strive to make a world a better place but helping people to sort out the relationship they have with themselves and people around, especially the one they care for. For me to learn a little bit more about myself and learn a new skill, which will help me to help others, I recently enrolled into a psychological astrology and psychoanalysis course. Of course we work on "our own material", meaning: my own emotions, fears, complexes, patterns etc etc. And it's not easy, trust me, it really isn't. When your life is complicated you learn that it's actually even more complicated. And despite only starting it, I already see, how my deepest wound is positioned in the field of deep interpersonal relations. The kind that shake you and dream of them. And connected to men. So a kind of a short summary would be, that my wounds, caused or started by men around me, I'll have to develop the power to cure this wound with them and by that cure myself as well. Of course as always until now, when I bring something into awareness, Life serves me a test.

All that is okay, until it comes to my own personal emotions. My emotions connected to the men in my life I adore and love, my family and closest friends. My lovers. Of course, only when you are connected with someone really close, you can learn something from it. And this is what just today I realized is happening to me in one of my stories with men around me. The person who's involved into this, knows very well what I'm talking about. I can't say I didn't see it coming from the beginning, cause I think we both knew it's there, it's just that it all turned into a very strange way. A complex form, when you're not really a friend, not a lover. Not a partner and not just a fling. When basically the relationship cannot have a label on it. You know what I mean? When we're together, there's something in the air. And the more we try to solve it, the more it's here. Of course I wouldn't be me, if I wouldn't look to it  from a broader perspective, to try and see the bigger meaning in all of this. I know there's no coincidences in life. And just today, when walking through my forest I let myself to feel, to see...to try and understand what's behind it. And as you know, I always claim, one can't see things by him/herself, we always need a reflection. So I called a special person in my life and described my second thoughts, my fears, what I sense and before I even started to talk, I realized why it's here. To cure each other. For me, to help cure his wounds and for him, to help mine. Very simple, yet very very strong and difficult. And this can only be done in a relation, a conversation just between us. We both can have as many talks as we want with other people, but the only way to solve this, will be to simply honestly talk to each other. And as I see it, we're both freaking scared of it, and ego is always on the way, asking why and do I really need it. But I don't believe in ego, I believe in love between human beings, honest words. That's the only cure we have and normally it heals the majority of our wounds. So it will happen. Soon.

The most important message I want to share with you today is to realize, that all relationships you're in, are teaching you something and more than that, that's how we're curing each other. We always meet people we need to in our life to show us something, to teach us something. Maybe sometimes we think we're only here for them, but that's never true. We can only develop as human beings in a relationship. And by that I don't mean a romantic relationship (that too of course), but a relation between two human beings. That's why we have emotions and can communicate. Not to sit and wait it will pass, cause it won't. If not with this person, than with the next one. The only thing that can pull us away is our ego - that's the biggest danger. And fear. But we all know that fear means stepping away from comfort zone. And that's completely and perfectly A okay.

So talk to each other, that's the only way you'll cure yourself and each other and be able to grow. And I have no idea what this is going to bring, honestly. But I felt it's the right thing to do. And I always try to follow my heart.

Dreams

Dreams. A few years ago this was something I thought it's just a way of our mind to go through the daily events. A kind of a machine which orders all our feelings and impressions from throughout the day. And I still believe this is true, but it's so much more than that.

I have always dreamed. I basically have a parallel life in dreams. Sometimes dreams continue, sometimes they repeat, sometimes I have deja-vus in real life, cause I know I dreamed the exact same moments. When I dig deep in my soul in real life, I shake and sweat and cry in dremas, but then I also laugh and dance. Thinking of it now, I have no idea how I could think, that dreaming is not important. Maybe because the general opinion is like that, since "official science" can't really prove why and how we dream. What does it mean and where do images come from. And here I believe Jung was one of the most important people, who I respect more and more. According to him, dreams are messages from our subconsciousness or a way how our souls talks to us, how it transfers important messages, which our mind can't comprehend. Dreaming consist of symbols from our daily life, as these are the images known to us. If we would dream about something unknown, how would we then be able to communicate with ourselves. Dreams are your most natural guide and show you, where you truly are. Not where you think you are.

Some people around me say, that they can't remember a single bit. As per my own observations, I believe that not remembering your dreams at all, is a sign you are not in contact with your inner self. You don't allow yourself to feel, to go deeper, simply to talk to your self, your soul. It's nothing to be ashamed of, as generally nobody teaches us how to feel. How to understand yourself and your own emotions and this is a process we learn when we evolve throughout our life. Sometimes we even don't want to remember our dreams as they might show us what we don't really want to see or admit to ourselves. I often wake up tired from dreams and as I dream I'm climbing mountains a lot of times, trust me, I should be in hiking shape to go to Himalayas! What I want to say is, that dreaming can be tiring to your body. Although during our sleep our body is relaxed, when having tiring dreams, we can wake up as we wouldn't have slept at all.

Now, what do dreams mean? Normally, it's difficult for ourselves to interpret them, as we're emotionally involved. And it helps to have somebody who knows you well or with whom you can share the meaning of the symbols/people/places/events/wishes/fears, yet they remain neutral. Even if you don't want to be, you are. But the recipe is, to figure out, what the characters in your dreams symbolize. Let me give you an example. I rather often dream of my ex-boyfriend. And I wondered if I really was over him...now what he means and meant to me, is whole another story, but I have gotten over him and what is important is, that he always appears as a symbol of past wish. There were many dreams we've had together and now when I am realizing them in my real life, his symbol comes as some sort of guidance. Or next example in my life are mountains. For the past two years a week doesn't past that I wouldn't dream hiking, climbing, mountains. And in the dreams I always hike uphill....and simultaneously in my reality I have always had climbs one of a kind. New relationship, new position at work, new course I applied to, new chapter of my soul search....So to me, it all makes perfect sense. And in majority of cases I have these dreams, before the real work begins in reality, so it's really like a "heads-up" from my soul, telling me, hey you have some work to do.

Also as you have probably noticed, in the past months, I didn't upload any post, because I was deep down inside of myself again. There was strong breakthrough happening last weekend and all my body energy from last weeks was concentrated for me to go through that one event, one specific emotion I had to become aware of. And in between my dreams were chaotic. Seriously....in the midst of tornado, which appeared in a mountain like in the middle of the Alps. Of course I was there....Anyhow I want to show you, that dreams can show what is ahead of you, what is just now around you, what should you do etc etc. And there any many different type of dreams, but I can't really tell more on how to know which one are which...not there yet.

So from now on, maybe you'll consider your dreams differently, pay more attention to them and write them down and then see and analyze what's going on around you in real life. I think you might be surprised....

Side effects of personal growth

It hit me the other day during a short conversation, how connected we truly are. Actually, the first image I see are scenes from the movie Avatar...when they "plug their hair" together and feel the vibe. When the sacred tree falls and they somewhat die with it. The reality is pretty much the same, at least as per my experiences so far. We are all interconnected and when one of us changes, this change affects every one around us. When you board on the train of facing yourself, it's indeed very challenging. Not easy and many inner energy is used to move the wheels of transformation. Many energy is spent on facing yourself, fears and joys inside of us. But then we also need to be aware of the fact, that many energy is (will be) spent on facing the actual changes in our reality. The interconnection is like a puppet-master and moves us and people around us, physically and psychologically. The inner shifts are reflected in our every day and this is what I would like to point out today. My intention is not to scare you, far from it, just to make you conscious that personal growth does have "side effects", which instantly are not pleasant but on a long rung surely bring you where you need to be with whom you need to be. 

Again I will write from my own experiences, can't really do it no other way.When I entered into my transformation phase back in 2009 I had many "friends". I was surrounded by people 24/7. People I called friends, but really had no idea who a true friend is. And slowly, like autumn leaves, they started to leave my life. It wasn't that we argued or had a fight. I simply felt nervous with them, they didn't fulfill me, I had no energy and our paths were separated. Our train wagons went each its own way. And at first it was difficult Difficult to somehow not have so many people in my life. Yet only now I know, they were with me until I needed them and when I started to change, our vibes didn't match anymore. It went on and on and on. And during the time, when I was crushed and sad and lonely and a shadow of myself, and didn't go out, cancelled all invitations to birthdays, I realized who's with me. And then something changed. I started to build myself up and since our souls are connected and we didn't part, they started to change themselves too. I caused a chain-reaction. It sounds very important when I put it this way, but to be honest, we all finally put our masks down. What I wanted to say as the first consequence or reflection if you wanna call it, people left my life. Many many people left my life. And with people who are around me, we grew stronger. And when people leave you, it's not the nicest feeling in the world. You sometimes feel lonely and strange, wonder what's going on and what did I do wrong. It's all okay. It's just a change. Breathe in and breathe out.

Second important change has been a shift in family relations. Uuuuu that was a special chapter indeed. Firstly, I was clearing out issues with my mother. And as firstly I mean for a good year or two. Then came the hardest part, my father. Here I had to dig deep, to be able to stand up for myself and actually tell him what hurt me the most and caused the largest pain in me. And in between there were times, when I didn't believe we're ever going to talk to each other again. Personal growth causes earthquakes inside a family. One that will tear all badly built object to crash down and only strong foundations can stay. Imagine a square and we have 4 family members. Each member stands in one corner and hold a rope, which goes around all corners and is equally tense. Then imagine that somebody pulls the rope strong - the other might fall. What if somebody simply left the rope of all habits and generation long patterns? This is how it goes, when one member of the family starts working on him or herself. Other members cannot project their shadow anymore and things have to change. People have to change and this process can hurt. You might hear things you don't really want to and then simultaneously, you might tell others what might hurt them. But that too is okay. Nature is built to develop and grow. A baby doesn't stay a baby, it learns how to crawl, stand on its own feet and then learns to walk and run and jump. Don't be a baby, learn how to walk on your own. Even it means you knees will be bumped and bruised, but only by gaining experiences, someday you might climb that hill of yours and feel like on the top of the world. And family needs to grow too, its members need to move, power play changes and this is okay. Life changes. We are first kids, teenagers and then grow up. Soon, our life curve moves down again and we become grandparent and basically kids again. It's normal that family relations will change. So talk to each other. Otherwise you will all be hurt much more as you should have been.

And then of course we come to our romantic relations. The hardest chapter, one which has some of the strongest influence on our life. I really believe that we meet people for a certain purpose and more importantly to grow with each other. If one person grows and the other doesn't we separate. No drama, no deeper meaning, a very simple truth. And accept this with peace. You will meet somebody new, who will again be there, to teach you something. He or she might stay or might go. We always have 50% chances. It is only when one person is ready and willing to grow and the other wishes to stay still - cause let's be honest, comfort zone is difficult to let go, we will be hurt. But that too is okay. Do we really want to be with some one who doesn't want us to grow and develop and consequently be happier, even if that means that our ego is slowly dying and we might not always be right and we will need to make compromises? Do you really want to have the same relationship at 45 when you were 28? So yes, if you are on your path to personal transformation, change of partner can be a collateral damage. But guess what, Life will bring you somebody new, who will make you even happier, so again, all is a okay.

So this is also one aspect of personal growth, one that nobody talks about. It's not all rainbows and butterflies, it's also tears and strong words, but in the end it's worth it. You will feel tons lighter, no weight on your chest, you will set your boundaries and most of all get to know people around you. So let all things and all people go. If they are meant to be in your life, they will change with you and life might again unit you after a while. Just never give up, cause if you would, because side effects were too tiring, you'd give up on yourself.

And p.s. - Universe moves in the same vibe...be observant how people around you move, you might be surprised ;).

Relationships

Exploring your inside goes hand in hand with changes on the outside. Actually whatever is happening to us on the inside is reflected in our everyday reality. If you haven't paid attention to this fact, observe yourself and then also reality...sometimes the match can actually be pretty scary. And this is not just looking differently, feeling differently, but also sending out different vibes meaning attracting new people in your circle. And of course we are all interested in relationships we are in, being business, friendly or romantic. Especially the last part is what intrigues human kind. It's no secret we all want to be in a relationship fulfilling us and making us happy. But is that even possible if our deepest wounds don't heal? Do you even know which your deepest wounds are? My experience has been that a certain wound I had and have been curing it in the past months, literally reflected in every possible field in my life, but the most obvious were two: a relation with my boss and relationships I have had with men in my life. And guess where it all start? Yep, right at the beginning, when we were kids. It's no joke, that you have to dig deep to see why are you behaving the way we are, attracting the same kind of people and more importantly, where to search if you want to change anything. Starting point: your relationship with parents.

I could write a lot about my own experience, trust me it was a very profound one and on my mind for quite some time, but my heart says no. It's too personal. My heart says it has happened to me in my own mixture of experiences, character, circumstances and time. I know they gave me everything they could and knew and it's because of them, I am where I am today. And I will always be endlessly grateful to them, because they gave me the all they had, just for me to spread my wings, live abroad, try, do, wish...And yet nobody is perfect. We need to realize this as well. Even if you are a parent yourself and you are giving to your child everything you know and can and only wish for the best, there are certain wounds which they have or will have because of you. And this is okay. It's only with them, that we learn how to grow. 

First of all, think about your love relationships. Now know, that people attracted you and you them, because you both send out the same vibe, in translation: most likely you have the same wounds, the same pain and you were attracted to each other to try and heal it. This is how it goes and this is why we were sent to each other, to heal ourselves at different stages in life. It is never just a "coincidence" we are with someone. And then ask yourself what are the things you are fighting for. What are the questions you are asking yourself when you're around with someone. And go deeper. Ask yourself how do you feel when you are hurt by the things you are fighting for, by the words, the looks. Now we're getting closer to our lesson or as I just heard from a "colleague light-spreader" opportunities. Actually I agree with him. They are opportunities, for us to grow. So, when you will comprehend the emotional cocktail in you, imagine yourself being a kid...when was it, that you felt this way? What was going on? Who hurt you? Who didn't understand you? What did you want, but didn't get? These are the questions which should help you, when exploring the inner you and meeting your inner child. It's there trust me, and it's craving for you to hear him and give him a long, comforting hug which he didn't get so many times in the past and say that you love him, just the way he is....

And then you start the healing process. It won't be easy but it will be rewarding. And what will the test be, whether anything changed inside you? Your next intense relationship. Being with a friend, co-worker you have to work 8hrs at work or next boyfriend or girlfriend. When you will start paying attention to what people around you actually give to you, what do you crave from them, which words do you wish to hear....remember it all goes back to when you were a kid and the relationship you had with your parents. There are of course important milestones along your youth as well, but our core personality is born until you're about 7 years old, and your emotional IQ is more or less set at the age of 3. So look at pictures when you were a child, ask parents, grandparents, neighbours, family friends....discover how your relations were, when you were young. Who hurt you, who comforted you. What made your proud, which were the situations you feared the most?

Of course all this will happen, when you are ready. You can't force the process of self-development, growth and inner search. Us, women, need to pay special attention to our fathers, and you men, to the ones with your mothers. It's them who set a pattern for all the men/women we'll ever be in a relationship with. It's what they couldn't give to us, that we're searching within others. All the hugs we didn't get, frozen emotions, words never spoken, fights we had to listen, fears in us which we try to calm down, expectation we have for others...my advice: try to give this to yourself first. Build yourself up first and then, you will suddenly also receive everything you ever wanted. And you won't have to try for it, it will come naturally. And I know, we are all focused on the romantic relationships, but really, you are in so many relationship throughout the day, that romantic, although being important, is not the only mirror we have.

My own experience: I have a co-worked who joined our company about a year after me and he was my mirror. And I hated him. Seriously, I hated him. I couldn't stand his energy, the fact that he was just sitting next to me. I thought I could just kill him. And all the anger I felt! Oh my god! And I had no idea, where did it come from...well...but then, in parallel this was the time when I was sorting out the relationship with my father. And trust me, immediately after I cleared out all the issues with my dad, my co-worker suddenly was no threat to me. I actually asked him out for lunch to see, what on Earth was going on. Right now, we go along really well and can work normally with each other.

I'm certain you all have cases like this, maybe now you will look at them from a different perspective. Of course, the romantic relationships are much more intense and also have stronger impact to our lives. I can just see, how the relationship with my father and then also emotional separation from him, is tattooed in all my romantic relationships. Very interesting indeed :).

So, this time, think about who's around you, what they cause in you, and when did you feel like that when you were a kid. This introspective look can reveal what you wouldn't believe in your wildest dreams. And then also prepare for changes in relationships around you - the tensions which fall apart and people who might walk away from you or....the bond between you will grow stronger. For sure it's not an easy process, but I think that each and every person around us, is teaching us something. So listen. And be grateful for your parents. Your soul, by that I mean you, actually chose them, to give you the set of experiences you need, to continue with your development.

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Life and the Game

 

Now, when Im starting to write this post, I don't really know what I want to say, what the message of this blog will be, but I felt I need to write it, so I'll just follow the flow of writing. Right now I'm reading a book I randomly picked in the library. This is how I choose books. I don't have a reading list, I just love libraries and book shops and when I go through, touching books, opening them, checking pages, cover, I pick random ones. And reading for sure is something I can't live without. It's a world that pulls me away from reality when I need an escape, or a source of new knowledge, comfort, shelter, a place where sometimes I can live the life I'd wish to happen in reality. It's with travel books that I've experienced some of the best moments of my life, cured my soul when reading some others.....My flat is full of shelves having pretty much nothing on but books. Travel books, cooking books, novels, exercise books, soul searching, philosophy, soap operas, poems....I love poems lately, more and more actually. All the emotions poems can express...Im just speechless.

Anyway, my point is to share with you, that just now I'm reading a book I randomly chose. It's Title is "Me Before You". It's a story about a young man, my age, full of life, "joie de vivre". Until one common day, he gets hit by a motorbike and becomes a tetraplegic. Stuck on a wheelchair with no possibility to move legs or hands. Meaning he can't live without a 24-hr care of somebody...helping him to eat, drink, go to toilet, dress, undress, give pills to reduce undescribed pain. So basically, what I asked myself is, what if tomorrow, I become him? What if tomorrow I wouldn't be able to do thing which I take for gratend. Living on my own, cooking Turkish coffee twice a day, yoga on my old rather used a bit smelly orange mat, walks in my forest to my magic oak tree, cooking for my friends, holding a glass of wine I love. Not being able to feel anything on my body, from chest down. The hell, no more pain of the Brazilian wax, aching feet from a night, danced away, no more shiver when somebody kisses my belly. Not being able to strech in the bed in the morning, taking a hike to my favourite top, diving in the ocean and let the waves carrying me. Not feeling goose bumps when I like some one or something. I wouldn't be able to ride horses or carry around my nephew.

And then my next question is, what kind of a life do I live now? What are the things I don't do, cause I'm afraid I won't look good in the eyes of others, or maybe look ridiculous while I stroll around in my dad's old jeans, torn t-shirt and messy curls of mine. Why the hell would I even be in any relationship, where I don't feel loved and cherished. Why waisting a minute of watching TV, when I can be reading about something possibly chaning the current of my life. Why not trying to enroll into every crazy stupid classes I ever wanted. But this means no more excuses of having no time, or energy. No more wondering what somebody else might say, think or do. It means we need to discover what do we want from life, what makes us happy, what causes our heart to jump up and down from happines. It also means we need to sit down with ourselves to have a talk, whether the life we live, is something we really like? Do we really want to head into the direction we are heading? I'm not saying, you're not. I'm just suggestion you check your coordinates.

And the what also pops into my mind is, the conversation I had the other day with a rather good friend. He took me out for a dinner and we were chatting about random things, when all of a suddon, he starts explaining how I lost touch with reality, If i really think, I can do things in life, which make me happy. How I need to "play the game". Yes, this was something which really was interesting for me to listen. So, here it goes. Aparently I'm the looser in all relationships I have in my life in advance, being work, romantic, friendly etc, because I don't play the game. Because I don't bargain and blackmail when it comes to geting a raise, or becuase I dont play "hard to get" with men, or because I dont do roles in friendship. And it went on, I live in an illusion, believing I can make a difference and thinking life can be something more than just "time we need to pass by". You know what, screw you! This is your reality and your pathetic small town life, please be "real", cause me, I'll chase my dreams till the day I die! And who are you to say to me, or speaking of which, who ever from us to tell others, how to live their life? How do we know, what all have they been through, but maybe we just don't know all their life details (yet)? How can we even think to know what's best for others and how we know what's the trick behind it?

I admit, I tried to play the game, but seemed more and more stupid to myself every day! Why on Earth would I want to play the game with life and God and think I'll beat it?! Who am I to play on people's emotions? And you know what? Where I am today, is a result of being honest and NOT playing the game. All the promotions in any part of my current or past careers, came because of hard work, dedication and honesty. All the beautiful relationships I've been in, were never based on faking, playing games or trying to be/do/ something I'm not. And I have never ever regretted any single thing I've done or said. You can say I'm naive, but since when is honest prohibited by law? You can say, I'm a dreamer, but then who's made any changes in the past: the ones who conform or the ones who follow their dreams? And what is even more, I feel a bit sorry for this person. Cause I know he'll never use his ful potential, I hope he'll love and be loved as he wishes for.

I really believe that all this again comes from our fears to really live our life. That playing "the game" is just a framework where we think we can control the situation but in reality and from Life's perspective we look stupid. Sorry, to say so, but we really do. And it also means, we don't trust life to take care of us. And especially bacause I went through, what I went through in the last few years, I hope through the life I will be able NOT to ever ever play the game. Even if this means I live in illusions and am a looser in advance. But guess what, if I ever am a tetraplegic, I never ever want to wonder "what if"...Screw everything, I just want to live my life and have no regrets!

The battle of the Heart and the Head

It's been exactly a week ago, when I spent two days with very special people in my life. People I actually don't know for a very long time, yet they always make me laugh, I guess they accept the whole package of me and my "never ending stories of energies and faith etc etc", I trust them, I think I can easily say completely trust them. I knew something like this would happen, even before we met...I felt it that day and just wanted to see how deep our talks will go. Three guys, two girls. And sometime between 10pm and 2am, a very important debate start. One about the battle of our heart and head, soul and mind. a very very important debate and since I keep on hearing sentences that one can't tell what's the voice of the heart and the one of head, and more importantly which one to trust, I decided I really need to write about this, about what I reckon as the most important guidance in our life. For me, knowing the difference and following my heart and intuition is like a lighthouse in the darkest storm. For me, this is not just philosophy or theory, but way of living. One that makes me strange in other people's eyes, one that scares people around me easily, but I don't think I'll even give it up. Why? Because it calms me, it makes me feel secure, I don't have second doubts, I dont questions my life moves, deeds, words...I rarely have "what if" moments. So here it goes.

The voice of the head always has scenarios. If I do this (let's name it X), then what can happen are opetions A, B and C. The story goes on, by us thinking that option A for sure if correct, cause this is the advice I got from very "wise" people, it needs to work! But then, option B, is what is actually expected from me, what I think I need to do! After all, I read about this, this how I was raised and this is what one needs to do, period, no questions asked. But then again, this option C would give me stability/is simple/the easiest was for sure etc etc. Head always takes other people's opinion into the story, it's never just about you, but more importantly, how you are going to look on the out side. How are you going to argument your decisions. The voice of the head is never quiet. It keeps on talking and talking and talking and for head it's never easy! How?!?!?! Good things are never easy, because this is just not how it's suppose to be. Good things in life are surely complicated and need at least ten people to solve them. Head will never bring you peaceful sleeping, but will cause waking up in the middle of the night asking and wondering the same thing over and over again...questions like "Am I doing this right?" are constantly by your side. Head gives you restnessless, doubts, stomach ache, you stop trusting yourself. Head follows the crowd, because that means safety and acceptance. Head is afraid of changes, of doing something differently and needs to have argumentation. Argumentation is key for head. Everything needs to be reasoned and supported by arguments. And what Head also very afraid of is failure. What if I don't make it...what then? It's best I don't even try! Really? Are you really sure about it?

But then there's heart. Heart is light and fluffy. You feel it where it is, your heart. Heart always always knows the answer even before heads starts to think, it gives you answer even before you actually comprehend it in your mind. The moment a questions pops up in your head, heart already has the asnwer. Heart doesnt need approval of others, or following everyone around. Normally it even deviates from this, because heart always knows what's best for you. Heart makes you feel happy and full of energy, you smile when you think of what heart wants. And the decision is instinctive. It fast and strong. It doesnt need 10 hours of conversation with 10 different people to figure it out. Heart knows. And note this, if you wonder about something over and over again, this is not heart's decision, this is mind playing tricks on you. Heart jumps in, because sometimes you need to jump and see what happens. Following your heart means you always give yourself out there and see what happens. Sometimes it can hurt, but it's never as bad as when following your head. And you never ever wonder what if...and wondering "what if" for the rest of your life is slow painful torture. What if I asked her out? What if I stayed? What if I told him he means the world to me? What if I quit my job and start my own business? What if I went out on my own tonight? What if I booked tickets to Australia? What if once for a change I would speak my heart out? Heart doesnt do that. If you feel it, you don't need arguments, you don't need to explain it to nobody why you decided like you have....it's just becuase you felt it, felt it close to your heart. Not in your stomach, but near heart, and the feeling is warm, it tickles a bit, gives you goose bumps. And your body can shiver a bit, but shiver in a good way, not like you're going to throw up. When people say, they've done something instinctive or following their guts, well that's heart talking. If you ignore your heart for too long, you get sick. At first it's just a cold, telling you, stop, take a break, see what's going on around you, but then it can grow into something more serious.

So now, we know in theory, what the head says and what the heart. And then the big question, which is the great mistery to 99% of people, how do you separate between the two? What's heart talking and what the head? How do I know which of them is telling me what. One of the greatest advices I ever received at a leadership seminar and which explains very simpl, how you need to decide (especially the big decisions in life) is like being a kid again. All you need is a coin. One side of the coin, says yes I'll do X and the other side of the coin, says no, I won't do X. Now sit down, take a deep breath and think of one thing you don't know what you want to do and you can't decide. Choose which side of the coin is yes and which side of the coin is no. Now throw the coin, but before you do so, be aware of your emotions. Be aware of your inside....just be aware of it, of your stomach and your heart, of your muscles. Now throw the coin and the very split of second when you see the result, be aware of what you felt....before your head plugs in...waaaay before. Do you want to throw that coin again, to get the decision you really want? Or are you reeeally happy, that you got the rights side of the coin? Now feel (don't think, I repeat, don't think) of what went on inside you...this feeling around your heart, saying yeeees, it's just what I wanted and you head hasn't started to doubt this. Or is it this painful feeling in your stomach, saying, uuuuugh I didn't really want to get this. So this is it...this is the first step taking you to what heart feels like and what head. The same thing is when we were kids and took a daisy and went "he loves me, he loves me not" or "she loves me, she loves me not", and in the end you knew exactly whether you liked the end or not. So you see, these emotiones haven't changes. You still have them inside you, you just don't wanna hear them. And you can, it's in it.

This very special sound of heart or intuition is what makes us special and different from other species in this free world. That's why we have a thing called free will and that's also why we are, where we are, faced each and every one with our own lessons. To start listening to ourselves and our heart. Hear is never wrong, how can it be, if it's connected to our soul and something greater. Now, I know you're asking yourself, uuu what does she know, there's no real argument that following the hear is what is right. And my answer to this would be, do an experiment. Do things one month by following your head and then do things for one month, by listening your heart and you tell me, what has made you happy? And more importantly, where has life brought you? And I have to warn you, it might be tough at the beginning, head (ego) doesn't like to be moved from its throne, some people might not like you anymore, because you won't follow then like a heard of sheep, some people can even leave your life, but looking from a distance, you will finally become free. You will finally start listening to yourself and step on the path of your real life. And what I also want to point out here is, the more suppressed feelings you have, the more difficult will it be to start hearing your heart. And at the beginning you will often have bad conscience about doing  what you're doing, becuase this is not, how you've been taught. But trust me, eventually when you'll learn to listen to your heart, you would just die, if you'd follow any other path. And you will be happy, trully happy. Not just on the outside.

Another question a dear friend, who's started to question his life path, decisions, point where he's at, at the moment, has also asked me is, how do I know I haven't done everything in my life, because I was told so or because it was expected of  me? And the answer is quite simple. Do you know, how you feel, when you were a kid and they made you eat broccoli or salad which you hated? Yes? I'm sure you know :). My question to you now is, when you have made decisions in life, did you ever felt like that? If you have, then some of them might have been wrong, if you haven't you're just where you need to be. And it's only up to you, how you're going to live for the rest of your life. I really have no slightest doubt, that we all know when we do something wrong and how we feel at that very moment. And this should be your starting point. Build it from there. Take baby steps and be aware of your feelings and inside every day when you take decisions even like choosing which cheese to buy at a supermarket, becacuse this is a great exercise for the big thing. And with the big thing, always always remember the very first feeling you got, when you hear a certain (commonly) a questions. Before you start questioning a million thing. The feeling, if you had to decide in half a second. That's your heart. And that's what you need to follow.

Loving yourself

My first blog in 2016!
I missed wiritng, yet in the past month it feels to me like earthquakes have been shaking my inside every single day. But this was not a bad shake, this was a shake which actually casused building inside me. Strong, solid foundations which are here to stay for good. And I needed this time to discover what is there different inside me. And slowly im seeing it. And I'm really happy about it. Im sure a moment will come when i'll share this with you, but for now it's my baby and I need to keep is safe.

I think it's no coincidence that my first blog in 2016 is about love. About love which in my opinion needs to be with us 24/7, come first and should never go anywhere. Love which is given to us when we are born and which we loose when growing up. Love which is the hardest to get and easiest to loose. Love which demans your dedication every day for the rest of your life. Without it we're nothing, with it, we can do anything in the world. This very special type of love is called "Loving yourself".

Today I'm writing this blog having in mind two very special souls in my life, two who stick to me no matter what, so this blog is dedicated to you. Because Im in pain looking how you torture yourself sometimes, because you need to love yourself more! Its because I cant always be next to you to tell you this, and maybe you'll save these lines to your phone and read it when you need to - and you surely do know when this moment comes. But since I have noticed that loving ourselves is something we are all afraid to do, even though we need it the most and since you are not alone in this, I decided to share my next words with the world.

The big question today is, how to love yourself? What does loving yourself mean? Why are you so hard on yourself?

Loving yourself is something which today's society, especially where I live, hates, prevents and denies. It's because loving yourself means, that one thinks and feels with his or her own head and heart. It means you don't follow the crowd and you dare to stand up to yourself. It means that you are not afraid to say NO to all the things and people you dont feel right about. It means you  dare to follow your dreams. It means that sometimes, even if its difficult as hell, you say goodbye and move on, cause you know you came to a point, when you're empty and have nothing more to give, despite the fact you still love somebody. Or at least you think this is love....It means you admit to yourself your flaws and stop looking for excuses in life. It means you accept yourself for who you are, the whole package, each and every inch of your body and soul. It means you finally change that job you hate, sign up for sawing class, pack your bag and go. It means that you buy yourself a bouquet of flowers just beaucse you feel so. It means you to go to the cinema by yourself or stay in your PJs whole day and read that soap-opera book you dont have the courage to admit you actually like. It means you refuse other to treat you like self-evident, because you're not!!! You're special and unique and deserve other to treat you, like you treat them. If you give, you deserve to get. If you love, you deserve to be loved!!! My dear readers, this doesnt mean you're egoistic or egocentric, it just means you love yourself and you are setting healthy boundaries in your life. Boundaries which in long-run will protect you of loosing yourself and trust me on this one, loosing yourself is one of the most difficult things in life.

So all I want to really say is, start loving yourself. Take yourself out on a date. Be in a relationship with yourself first and then deep into a one with who you feel right about. Do every day one thing to and with yourself, for which you wish somebody else would do it. But first, get rid of all unhealthy relationships around you - we had this lesson already: you need to make room for new people and events to come into your life.

Dare to scream to the world I LOVE MYSELF FIRST!