Life and the Game

 

Now, when Im starting to write this post, I don't really know what I want to say, what the message of this blog will be, but I felt I need to write it, so I'll just follow the flow of writing. Right now I'm reading a book I randomly picked in the library. This is how I choose books. I don't have a reading list, I just love libraries and book shops and when I go through, touching books, opening them, checking pages, cover, I pick random ones. And reading for sure is something I can't live without. It's a world that pulls me away from reality when I need an escape, or a source of new knowledge, comfort, shelter, a place where sometimes I can live the life I'd wish to happen in reality. It's with travel books that I've experienced some of the best moments of my life, cured my soul when reading some others.....My flat is full of shelves having pretty much nothing on but books. Travel books, cooking books, novels, exercise books, soul searching, philosophy, soap operas, poems....I love poems lately, more and more actually. All the emotions poems can express...Im just speechless.

Anyway, my point is to share with you, that just now I'm reading a book I randomly chose. It's Title is "Me Before You". It's a story about a young man, my age, full of life, "joie de vivre". Until one common day, he gets hit by a motorbike and becomes a tetraplegic. Stuck on a wheelchair with no possibility to move legs or hands. Meaning he can't live without a 24-hr care of somebody...helping him to eat, drink, go to toilet, dress, undress, give pills to reduce undescribed pain. So basically, what I asked myself is, what if tomorrow, I become him? What if tomorrow I wouldn't be able to do thing which I take for gratend. Living on my own, cooking Turkish coffee twice a day, yoga on my old rather used a bit smelly orange mat, walks in my forest to my magic oak tree, cooking for my friends, holding a glass of wine I love. Not being able to feel anything on my body, from chest down. The hell, no more pain of the Brazilian wax, aching feet from a night, danced away, no more shiver when somebody kisses my belly. Not being able to strech in the bed in the morning, taking a hike to my favourite top, diving in the ocean and let the waves carrying me. Not feeling goose bumps when I like some one or something. I wouldn't be able to ride horses or carry around my nephew.

And then my next question is, what kind of a life do I live now? What are the things I don't do, cause I'm afraid I won't look good in the eyes of others, or maybe look ridiculous while I stroll around in my dad's old jeans, torn t-shirt and messy curls of mine. Why the hell would I even be in any relationship, where I don't feel loved and cherished. Why waisting a minute of watching TV, when I can be reading about something possibly chaning the current of my life. Why not trying to enroll into every crazy stupid classes I ever wanted. But this means no more excuses of having no time, or energy. No more wondering what somebody else might say, think or do. It means we need to discover what do we want from life, what makes us happy, what causes our heart to jump up and down from happines. It also means we need to sit down with ourselves to have a talk, whether the life we live, is something we really like? Do we really want to head into the direction we are heading? I'm not saying, you're not. I'm just suggestion you check your coordinates.

And the what also pops into my mind is, the conversation I had the other day with a rather good friend. He took me out for a dinner and we were chatting about random things, when all of a suddon, he starts explaining how I lost touch with reality, If i really think, I can do things in life, which make me happy. How I need to "play the game". Yes, this was something which really was interesting for me to listen. So, here it goes. Aparently I'm the looser in all relationships I have in my life in advance, being work, romantic, friendly etc, because I don't play the game. Because I don't bargain and blackmail when it comes to geting a raise, or becuase I dont play "hard to get" with men, or because I dont do roles in friendship. And it went on, I live in an illusion, believing I can make a difference and thinking life can be something more than just "time we need to pass by". You know what, screw you! This is your reality and your pathetic small town life, please be "real", cause me, I'll chase my dreams till the day I die! And who are you to say to me, or speaking of which, who ever from us to tell others, how to live their life? How do we know, what all have they been through, but maybe we just don't know all their life details (yet)? How can we even think to know what's best for others and how we know what's the trick behind it?

I admit, I tried to play the game, but seemed more and more stupid to myself every day! Why on Earth would I want to play the game with life and God and think I'll beat it?! Who am I to play on people's emotions? And you know what? Where I am today, is a result of being honest and NOT playing the game. All the promotions in any part of my current or past careers, came because of hard work, dedication and honesty. All the beautiful relationships I've been in, were never based on faking, playing games or trying to be/do/ something I'm not. And I have never ever regretted any single thing I've done or said. You can say I'm naive, but since when is honest prohibited by law? You can say, I'm a dreamer, but then who's made any changes in the past: the ones who conform or the ones who follow their dreams? And what is even more, I feel a bit sorry for this person. Cause I know he'll never use his ful potential, I hope he'll love and be loved as he wishes for.

I really believe that all this again comes from our fears to really live our life. That playing "the game" is just a framework where we think we can control the situation but in reality and from Life's perspective we look stupid. Sorry, to say so, but we really do. And it also means, we don't trust life to take care of us. And especially bacause I went through, what I went through in the last few years, I hope through the life I will be able NOT to ever ever play the game. Even if this means I live in illusions and am a looser in advance. But guess what, if I ever am a tetraplegic, I never ever want to wonder "what if"...Screw everything, I just want to live my life and have no regrets!