Loving yourself

My first blog in 2016!
I missed wiritng, yet in the past month it feels to me like earthquakes have been shaking my inside every single day. But this was not a bad shake, this was a shake which actually casused building inside me. Strong, solid foundations which are here to stay for good. And I needed this time to discover what is there different inside me. And slowly im seeing it. And I'm really happy about it. Im sure a moment will come when i'll share this with you, but for now it's my baby and I need to keep is safe.

I think it's no coincidence that my first blog in 2016 is about love. About love which in my opinion needs to be with us 24/7, come first and should never go anywhere. Love which is given to us when we are born and which we loose when growing up. Love which is the hardest to get and easiest to loose. Love which demans your dedication every day for the rest of your life. Without it we're nothing, with it, we can do anything in the world. This very special type of love is called "Loving yourself".

Today I'm writing this blog having in mind two very special souls in my life, two who stick to me no matter what, so this blog is dedicated to you. Because Im in pain looking how you torture yourself sometimes, because you need to love yourself more! Its because I cant always be next to you to tell you this, and maybe you'll save these lines to your phone and read it when you need to - and you surely do know when this moment comes. But since I have noticed that loving ourselves is something we are all afraid to do, even though we need it the most and since you are not alone in this, I decided to share my next words with the world.

The big question today is, how to love yourself? What does loving yourself mean? Why are you so hard on yourself?

Loving yourself is something which today's society, especially where I live, hates, prevents and denies. It's because loving yourself means, that one thinks and feels with his or her own head and heart. It means you don't follow the crowd and you dare to stand up to yourself. It means that you are not afraid to say NO to all the things and people you dont feel right about. It means you  dare to follow your dreams. It means that sometimes, even if its difficult as hell, you say goodbye and move on, cause you know you came to a point, when you're empty and have nothing more to give, despite the fact you still love somebody. Or at least you think this is love....It means you admit to yourself your flaws and stop looking for excuses in life. It means you accept yourself for who you are, the whole package, each and every inch of your body and soul. It means you finally change that job you hate, sign up for sawing class, pack your bag and go. It means that you buy yourself a bouquet of flowers just beaucse you feel so. It means you to go to the cinema by yourself or stay in your PJs whole day and read that soap-opera book you dont have the courage to admit you actually like. It means you refuse other to treat you like self-evident, because you're not!!! You're special and unique and deserve other to treat you, like you treat them. If you give, you deserve to get. If you love, you deserve to be loved!!! My dear readers, this doesnt mean you're egoistic or egocentric, it just means you love yourself and you are setting healthy boundaries in your life. Boundaries which in long-run will protect you of loosing yourself and trust me on this one, loosing yourself is one of the most difficult things in life.

So all I want to really say is, start loving yourself. Take yourself out on a date. Be in a relationship with yourself first and then deep into a one with who you feel right about. Do every day one thing to and with yourself, for which you wish somebody else would do it. But first, get rid of all unhealthy relationships around you - we had this lesson already: you need to make room for new people and events to come into your life.

Dare to scream to the world I LOVE MYSELF FIRST!

A year behind and one ahead

Hmmmm what to write about 2015 that I havent already written and put out there for you to read. What is there that I still need to say out loud.....

One year just passed and one is ahead of me. So many experienecs I received in 2015, so many emotions popped out, so many people I've met, words which have been said out loud. So many messages sent, blogs and emails written, so many wishes and fears expressed. So many solo evenings and dates with my friends. I don't think I would have ever said this a few months ago, but 2015 was one of the best years in my life. One that made me grow up and started to love myself. Yes, I think this was the biggest lesson, to accept me for who I am. With all my flaws and screwed up editions and cried out hours, but then again me, with my soft soul and this urging need to help people and just be there for them when no body else is and when they don't even know how to be alone with themselves. 2015 was a vivid year. I had to stand up for myself. Every day, every hour and every moment. I fell many many times, but then again I got up many many times too. I started to make my dreams come true and even though I still dont quite know how will I get there, I know that my intution knows the way and I'm learning how to be patient and wait. And sometimes also stop and not just wait. I felt disappointed and surprised, betrayed and loved, sexy and ugly, capable and incapable. I felt like queen and like the ugly duck, I was on the stage and on my kneews sometimes to get there. Yet I never gave up. I needed help, I admit. I wouldn't be able to do it on my own, I'm not allmighty - thank god, I have the guts to admit that too. I met Jack the bear and my two wolves. They're alway here when I need them and Jack has all the answers. Friends showed their true colours. Each and every one of them. I'm endlessly grateful for that.

Yeah, I doubt one has many 2015-s in a lifetime.

As a difference to last year, I start 2016 calmer. Very calm actually. Stronger. Much more confident. Again in love with life. With a renewed faith in God. With strange wishes: I wish to climb a certain mountain which ever since I was a little girl seemed as unreachable to me and in 2016 I will stand on top of it and shout I can do it. I can climb up there. I wish to again sit in a plane and leave the life to seduce me and never let me go! And my biggest wish is to help more people realise they're not alone. To make them feel they have life to live, to show it's okay to be weak, to cry and not to have all the answers. I wish to be there for them, when they start walking. Baby steps.

So in 2016 I wish you all to walk - not to stand still or run, but to do as many baby steps as you need to meet yourself and smile with your heart. I wish you the courage to start walking and persistance never to give up. You will stumble, you will fall, you will rest and on the way you will meet many different creatures from life and imagination, but never ever stop, because the view from top is worth it. At least that's what I was told, you see, I'm walking too, just by your side.


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My Friends - My All

This is the song which reminds me of you

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2VbODnX0dVs

For a while now I wanted to write this blog, however timing or feelings weren't right and now they are. One has friends in life and one has FRIENDS. This one is for FRIENDS. For who you make me and how I feel when I'm with you. It's becuse you were my first or at least parallel therapy and listeners and it's because you stayed and didn't run away in my rough times. It's becuase you drove half a country to wish happy birthday. It's because you listen and surprise me. And it's mostly beucase you just love me, even when I don't love myself. My whole crazy package. Not just one version of me, and we all know there's a quite a few different editions of me. One for work, one for party, one for yoga, one for family, one for men, one for kids, one for sports, one for housekeeping, one for culture, one for art, one for music, one for dancing, quite a few for the rest of the world and yet, you respect all of me. Just me.

Throughout the last few years you have been my rock, my port, my all. There were moments:

• when I really wasn't myself,  and you were here for me
• when I was talking over and over and over again about one single issue and you listend for days, weeks or even months
• when I was me, but for sure not the best edition, and you were here for me
• when it was tough and I was cranky, and you were here for me
• when you wiped my tears
• when you made me laugh and when we lauged together
• when you shared big long hugs
• when we cooked and sang and danced
• when we had long soul-deep sonversations
• when you took me to places I have never been before
• when you called just in the moment when I needed them the most
• when even if we were seas and oceans apart you cared
• when you surprised me the way I alway wished for
• when we shared our fears and fought them
• when we giggled like in high school 
• when I was alone and lonely and you came - despite the late or early hour
• when you sent small crazy messages I will never forget
• you cooked me meals just to spoil me a little bit
• you brought me cookies for a nice day

 I could go on and on and on. And you my dear rare people are my soul mates.You know who you are, cause you're the first I share all of me with. You're my family, my all. Each and every one of you is special and I love you for who you are, just the way you are and I wouldn't change a thing on you!

It's because I know I can turn to you, trust you with my life and know that you will always stand by me and protect me. It's because I can trust you all my feelings and thoughts and plans and dreams and even though you know I want to do thousand things at the same moment, you wait for me to decide or sometimes you decide for me. It's simply because you have been here for me when I needed you. When this transformation thing went on and yet, you were still next by me. And trust me, a lot of people weren't by my side, when all I needed was somebody to talk to, express what I feel and what's going on in my crazy head and lean on, get a hug. It's because you are happy for me and all the little steps I have made. It's because you always encourage me to go, try, do. And it's mostly becuase you all take me for who I am. Simple.

It's becuase you know I know plenty of people, but it's mostly because you know, there's only a few I will stick to forever. Each and every one of you basically met me in one of the phases of my life: when we were 3 and played in our grandparents' gardens, when we shared toys at kindergarten, when we were falling in love for the first time in primary school, when Friday night was THE day of the week at high school, when we danced quite some nights away at the University, when I was settling in a new country and you took me places and shared your home, when I actually hated you at the beginning, yet you are one of my dearest people in this world and you helped my find my first job, when you simply knew who I am after looking at me and always will know how I feel after just one look, when you gave me advice I will always cherish and you were right and naive me was wrong. And throughout all these years we went thorugh storms and rainbows only life can paint and it's because of you, I am who I am today.

It's because I can be myself with you and be calm. And even when I'm not calm, you understand. It's because you didn't go away when I was searching for myself and mostly because I feel each and every one of you. It's because you were with me during all the important events of my life, especially my birthdays and it's because you never miss it. It's because we sent packages to each other when we're 10 time zones apart and it's because sometimes you know who I am, when I forget.

And it's because I know what is ahead of us is great! We'll laugh, we'll cry, we'll travel, we'll settle, we'll move, we'll change, we'll grow, we'll fall, we'll get up, we'll cook, we'll chill, we'll work and what's important we'll be here for each other!

What I really want to say is, that I'm endlessly greatful for each and every one of you and I love you till the end of the world and back. And it's because you have been there for me I promise I will always try my best to be there for you too.

26.11.2014 : 26.11.2015

I would say it was the most difficult thing to admit to myself. Sometimes when some heavy feelings come back it still is. It had to cut my body. I cried laying on the floor. Pretending like they're not here could not last any more. It seems strange to me today how scared I was of confrontation with myself. It's me, just me. I remember like it was yesterday. It was two days before I had plans to go for backpack travel with my friend. It was almost like today, when things slightly calmed down and the hectic every-day with adrenalin pumping in my veins. I broke down. I cried. I cried a lot. It hurt my whole body, my soul, tears just pouring out and no way to stop them. My solar plexus was hot as summer sun, legs hurt, eyes tired and swollen. I did not know what more to do. And then it was evening and I was switching TV channels and I really rarely watch TV. And there it was. The sign, when all was clear to me: a short TV clip on how therapy can change your life. And at first I thought to myself, ok this is it. I'm officially crazy, I lost it, that's it.

I still feel like this sometimes. Just today actually, when it was overload of everything, but this time I left my legs to shake, tears to fall, soul to speak, hands to write. I admit that just now in this very moment I miss a hug. Someboday to say, all will be okay, so I'm saying it to myself. #allisaokay

My main purpose actually isto say, It's exactly a year since my first therapy. I chose my therapist as always by coincidence. My mum suggested a few good ones and then I I trusted my instinct. It took a month from my decision to the first visit. It was a month like from hell. Then I went. I stepped into this old flat in the midst of the city. Floor was bending, everything smelled of old. Dark red curtins are hung before I entered. I felt almost like I'm going to enter to a magician's room...well in some ways he has been my magician. It was 20min of polite conversation, in which we exchanged basic information. What's wrong, how it gets fixed. Honestly I had no idea what to expect. And then our second meeting, the first full hour. I was crying after 20min, but finally somebody was there for me. Just for me. It was my 50min, just mine. For the first time I felt like somebody is listening. I felt somebody is there for me, just me. He has elaborated what I couldn't comprehend. He gave me the credit I never got. He has slowly been giving me the feeling I am special. And I am, I know now I am. And you are too.

He is older, of course. He is special, just like me. He doesn't live a life he should, the kind I imagine people would expect from him, at least that's what I fell when Im next to him. I wrote in one of my blogs he was my port in the wildest storm of my life. He really has been, still is here and there. I don't really know how this therapy-relationship should look like, have no idea, but I have a feeling this one isn't just quite a common one. He always knows how to get rid of all my own expectations of how I should be, cause he somehow knows that's not who I am. I can be angry or sad or dissapointed there. I can also be happy and joyful. I grew up in this old room, sitting on the sofa. I fell apart, left my old me there. With his help I realised things I knew but were burried under too many emotions, I grew strong. I got myself back.

At the beginning I didn't dare to say to anyone I'm seeing a therapist. I didnt want to admit this to myself. It made me strange, not adequate, not fitting in, being different, not like the crowd. Today I'm saying to the world.: yes I have needed help. I couldn't be this strong tough me, and I can't be. Not even today and not like that, but stronger differently. I've needed somebody to hear me, cause this was the only way I started to hear myself. My thoughts, emotions. My higher self, my soul. To see and feel my dreams. To follow intuition and not what other people say around me. I am enough.

And so today it's me, and my bear and my wolves. I'm still not ready for to meet the bull. And I respect my emotions, my soul and my dreams. Even tough sometimes I still catch myself trying to fit in and not to experience all this. Yet I have. As my dreams showed me the other day, I went thorugh initiation. I saw myself as an Indian shaman, sitting next to a fire, eagle was my spirit.

That travel in Fall 2014 was beginning of the travel into the depths of my soul and its biggest lesson was materialisation. Exactly what was inside me, appeared on the outside. Chaotic traffic, hot sun, steamy stinky air, something new and unknown yet beautiful behind every corner. Climbing to a rock I will never ever forget. Signes from God sent every morning and every day. A driver whose name is Good Karma, feathers all round - angels where there with me.

And I haven't done any travelling basically outside my country since then, but I made the most important travel in my life so far - I travelled to meet me. And there were rocks and steamy air, fire and bombs all around...some days they still are, but this is the path of rebirth and it's never easy and sometimes you think like you're going to die.

Ha interesting enough, I always dreamed of going for a year-long travel....I guess my dreams came true #allisaokay

"The most beautiful jewel is tempered in the hottest fire and dipped in the coldest water." 

(Leilah Tiesh)

Why?

How many times have you asked this question in your life? Three letters...W H Y. Probably million times...

If I wanted to explain, what has been hapenning to me in last weeks, I could write a book. Happening around me and inside me. Events, emotions, people, relations, relationships. But I know it's all okay. I feel it. All is happening for a purpose, to check my reactions. Have I learned anything or haven't I. And this time I choose me. Just me. For the first time in my life.

There's so much I'd want to write out just now, yet it's too much too soon. When some things should be right, but aren't. Can't be. Not yet. When all seems right. And then why pops out. Why is this even happening then? Why such events when for the first time I'm letting it be, letting it all go with the flow. Maybe some times life just wants me to see, it can happen. It's is out there. Not just yet ready for me, but it does exist. So that I can see, what I wish for, can happen, but it's not yet ready, not in a form ready for me.

But in life it doesn't all depend on us. In any kind of relation, being at work, with friends, lovers, family, it's always somebody else on the other side. And all you can do is follow your own truth, your own intution and have faith, trust. Knowing that it's all here to teach me, us, something.

So maybe this is the time, to stop asking myself why, but to simply accept everything as it is. Simple as that. Just like it is. And wait some more, to see what life has prepared for grand finale of year 2015. So perhaps you should also just wait and see. Put yourself out there and have faith. Trust God it sees the big picture.

Remember, you can't connecting the dots looking forward, you can only connect them looking backwards. Just be honest to yourself and trust yourself.

1 year

It's been a year on top of 5 previous ones. Exactly 1+5special years since.....hmm since what? I'm looking for a word to describe what started a year ago. I think  personal mystical experience would be the proper word. Indian philosophy puts it nicely when they say that such experience is the core of the inner self and development as contradiction to the Western mind. So yes, I believe especially this last 12 months were all about personal mystical experience. The kind when you regularly ask yourself about your sanity. And so today, I'm sitting in my rented flat which I really do love, just now listening to Rolling Stones on my fav radio station, sipping coffee, eating warm croissants with apricot jam and thinking to myself, what has changed? What new is there inside me? Have I really changed something? Myself?

Well I can't not-see the obvious. I live alone and on my own. Completely and 100%. Something I have wished for, for a veeeery long time. After thinking of buying a flat, I dismissed my ego as my servant and promoted intuition as my special advisor. And it's my special sanctuary, my sacred space, my secure safe spot, my second yoga studio and cooking laboratory. It might not have the perfect colour scheme or the size of kitchen, but it's a place where I can find my peace and decide who will come for a visit and who won't. And living alone came with this special sense of responsibility, self-responsibility. When all of a suddent it's perfectly clear that I am responsible for my own actions, feelings and most of all attitude. It's up to me how my day will look like, if I'll be cranky or not, if smell of morning coffee will bring a smile on my face, if I'll cherish every day like it's the last one. And this at first was a rather shoking realisation, yet a necessary one. So yes, all this is completely new.

I stopped wearing dark blue. I just realised this. I can't see it anymore! It's been with me for three years I think now. Black is back and colours are here too. Gold has a special place in my wardrobe. Brown took over on the casual-level.

I started to feel and no longer run away from emotions. Yep, feelings wanted to introduce themselves in the 5y but as I wouldn't let them, they all came out in the +1 period. Heavily. And it was, still is, relieving. Feels great to allow myself to have a great cry and then also a great laugh. And I started to tell people around me what I feel and show this. I guess it might be intimidating, but I can't change how I feel and what I feel. A very sad event in my life showed me, dare to always show how you feel, cause you never know if you'll still be here tomorrow or if the other person will be. Life is too short to waste it for not trying or knowing. This is the greatest courage one can show, to give yourself out there. To show emotions, to say I care for you or I love you. To have the courage to be hurt, but knowing that one day, by doing so, you'll twist your and somebody elses world upside down. So yes, I dare.

Showing myself "I can". I'd say this is the most powerful part of my transformation. I can: be strong, be weak, cry, feel vulnerable, stop being tough on myself, choose people around me, teach yoga, face my fears, admit myself I need help, be completely honest, die a little in the middle of the day, say to people I love them, show affection....many many I can-s which I never dared to show in the past.

I became deeply religous. Religious without an institution or praying scheme or rituals. Just me and awarness that I am not alone.

I dare to say no. Loudly, clearly, to whoever or whatever I don't feel right about.

I have learned as much as I can about family patterns. Decided to keep the rare ones I like and threw away the others.

I am still realizing who are people who cherish me, respect me, love me for who I am in my full-crazy-package. Many many are no longer part of my life. Were great companions, but our paths parted. And new people came into my life, new teachers, new friends. I stick to a few dear ones.

I grew strong. Physically, psychologically and emotionally. I hope I have. I still get scared. And I still sometimes look for a saviour and in the end, each and every time come to a conclusion I need to save myself. I learn to love myself and put myself to first spot, before everybody else. If I loose myself, I loose everything.

Hmmmm this is what crosses my morning mind just now. I guess things have changed. The way I feel, react, think, do, express transformed. I wouldn't use the word changed, it just transformed. I'm still the same me, who'd do 100 things at the same time, who has dreams of living happily ever and after, who wants to travel the world, who believes in good in people, who wants to help people around, who loves animals, who feels enormously and who is completely and utterly straighforward with words and emotions.

Feelings

Last weeks made me think of our feelings. So many people around me struggle to express feelings or to ignore them or not to accept them or not to admit them to themselves. So many friends are lost and hurt and suffer, because they don't admit to themselves who they trully really are. Human kind is most likely the only species in this world which has two things other living creatures don't: free will and feelings. Can you imagine your world if you felt reluctant to people, events in you life, gifts, travel, job, family, friends, food, music...if all would be the same, sunny weather, heavy rain, listening to rock music or going to opera. If you never fell in love or experience a broken heart. If you would not care who you talk to, drink coffee with or sleep with. How would the world be, how would we live and talk to each other? No laughter and no tears. No anger and no love. No excitment and no disappointment.

I'm sure the first thing that crosses your mind is boring. I agree, I would be bored to death. Not to feel. My second question to you is, why do you then struggle so much, not to feel? Not to let all the emotions kick in, goosebumps spread over your body. Why do you hold back tears and don't shout when you know this is all you wanna do? Why don't you express what you feel to people around you? Sincerely and honestly say and show how you feel. At home, at work, when exercising or watching a movie.

For a long time I didn't know how to feel. Or maybe I only knew how to feel the "positive" emotions and made a dam for the heavy feelings, the negative ones, the ones I didnt even know that existed. And then the dam crashed, exploded, too much pressure was created from my inner river of life. And I will be endlessly grateful for this. Cause now I dare to cry in public, to laugh in the middle of a restaurant so that every one hears. I dare to say light or heavy words, cause there is no more positive or negative in my vocabulary. I dare to say "I love you" to people who I feel I want to say this. And I show and say when I'm disappointed. I shout out loud when I can't take it no longer and I simply stay silent, when there's nothing to express. I feel gratitude for all feelings in my life, cause they make me feel alive. Cause I know I'm not a machine or a robot. I know I am human being.

So my advice to you is to tell, show and express. It can't go wrong. You can't feel wrong. You just feel yourself. Even if it might not end up the way you imagined, you will always know deep down in your side, that your truth was sent out there. And Universe values highly our honesty. So use your free will wisely and just feel, it's the best two tools you will ever handle.