And it came

Listen.

And it came. I craved for it for a long time, for so many months, maybe even years and now it's been here for some weeks. This unbelievable feeling of peace and serenity in my heart. It feels surreal and I dare to hope and believe it's here to stay a while.

It didn't come without a fight. A very intimate and deep fight even in my dreams, when black and dirty beasts fought between each other. And then there was the largest snake possible, trying to bite me and yet it was dry and my best friends told me, it's dead, gone.....it was dry like fall leaves. And the beasts rolled down the hill. And then I was standing in the middle of the highway, a place which brought out the deepest emotions I had inside me, became wide and sunny. There was a voice behind me, saying I've made it. I came to an end and it's all okay. Awful storm behind me and peaceful clear sunset infront of me. And then I jumped from a cliff 7m deep into the sea and opened my eyes. And I wasnt at the bottom, but on the surface, and all I had to do was breathe. These were the crucial dreams I believe. A sign sent from up above and saying "hey you, you've made it. on to the next one".

And I became grateful that I can again have relaxed dinner with my friends and laugh until my bones hurt. That I can go out to a concert and not feel like i'm going to faint anytime. Go jogging and love it. Stroll around town and be a funky city girl who the next moment walks around forest barefoot and do all this while having a gentle smile on my face. And all this I can do free. Free of heavy emotions, shaking, tears, "what-ifs". Just me, but this time, a brand new me. And I cherish all these moments now. I no longer take them for granted, something that happens to everyone and is here to stay. And to remind me, that in life you need to keep on fighting. Fighting for moments, when you can watch shooting stars relaxed on top of a hill you've never been before, climbing up this special spots, which open a brand new perspective and with new people around. When random cooking in the middle of the week make an evening special, surronded by people you barely know, but feels like you've been friends forever.

I learend a lot from this chapter. I got to know the brave and strong me, the kind I never knew it actually exists. I know now, who my true friends are and I don't have any particular wish to socialize with the other ones. And what's the most important, I learned how to feel. Feel happy, sad, dissapointed, hurt, devastated, lonely, exciting, grateful, proud, scared and much much more. I learned what I believe each and every person needs to learn, especially before being a parent, cause the path to express feelings when you're three decades older is not something you'd crave for. This is a lesson, which made a profound impact to my being, my soul and my heart. It's something which changed me and fixed my broken inside. And I realised many of our family patterns, my parents traumas, cause I craved the most, what I couldn't get from them. And it gave me the courage to say out loud what I feel and think, to no longer keep it inside, "cause some people might not like it". Hey, you know what, I don't care anymore! I don't care if people don't like what I feel or think or how i'm dressed or what I do. If I feel it and I don't hurt people along doing it, I'm gonna swim naked and dance around and cry in public and sing out loud!

I still feel insecure sometimes though. Thinking all might come back, but then I always remember the dreams. The beasts and dry snake and I'm okay. Sometimes I still wish for that long comforting hug, but I learned that I first had to give it to myself. Put myself upfront before anybody else, before I can again give and accpet any other hug(s). And maybe, just maybe, that other special hug isn't far away...