Me, myself and I

How many times have you asked yourself who are you? And I don't mean labels like, a daughter, a friend, a lover, a sister, a grandmother, a mother, a colleague, a boss etc etc etc. And I also don't mean who you think you should be, who the world around thinks you are or who you plan to be in the future. Just answer to a simple questions: who am I?

For me having no asnwer to this questions at first came as a shock! How can I not have an answer to a question? And trust me, there are rare moments when I have nothing to say. How can I not know to the most basic questions there is in this world - who am I? And for a change I didn't start to dig in by using brains and elaborating all possible relationships and positions and memberships...nope, I used a different method, I started to realize what and how I feel? What were the first emotions popping up when asking this questions which I remembered and where were I, when this occurred?

Interestingly my intuition brought me abroad....it brought me to times, when I lived alone in a foreign country. When I allowed myself to be me. To walk around in a black hat, red lipstick and feel free. When there was no pressure of who knows you and who doesn't. When I was 20 and the world was mine. It brought me to Turkey, London, Berlin, rest of UK and the USA. It brought me to green trousers, pink laced socks and golden high heels. It brought me to Turkish-Greek gay-lesbian parties and shaking that bootie of mine. It brought me to undergournd Berlin parties and long tube stairways to clubs in London. It brought me to Turkish seaside and long travels around lonesome borders with end of Europe. It brought me New York bookshops and cafes, art galleries and concerts. It brought me to parks and lying on the grass and staring at clouds. It brought me to the jungle and lonely islands. Reading books and listening to crickets, eating dinners with friends. It brought me to the nature and my magic oak-tree. It brought me to horses and dogs. It brought me to kitchens and wine cellars. It brought me home.

So now my homework is to discover, which things I'm doing just now in life make me feel this way.

Fear of being successful and enjoying life

Well by now I kind of got used to living three different lives in parallel: one being the serious, responsible boss who needs to work under constant time-pressure and facing unknow and unpredictable situations, second when I'm just a friend, sister, daughter and living the family-role and then there's the third side, when lately it's all about exploring my innerside, emotions, family patterns and karma, learing on my reactions and actions.


For some time now I've been noticing strange feelings inside of me when all is okay and right and not under stress and I just cant relax completely. And then the same feelings come when I achieve something... I can't really say I'm feeling like it's prohibited, but constantly after I feel good or achieve my personal goal, I have a feeling something bad will happen. Something to kill my happines and smile on my face. Something to remind me, that life is about lessons and suffering and nothing comes without sacrifaction. And I hate it. I hate this creepy feeling which weighs my body down, which raises my heartbeat, which makes me go home early, which makes me feel I can't do something, I can't climg that stupid mountain I've been looking my whole life, which numbles my hands and legs when climbing up a horse! I hate it and I finally realised that fear from enjoying life and success does exist. I knooow, it sounds really stupid, but hey, if you're a reader of my blogs, then something like this can't really surprise you, right? :)

And so as of July 2nd, 2015 I decided to face yet another of my personal obstacles and this time start enjoying and being proud of myself. Start going out on long summer nights and enjoy sleeping in in the morning, to laugh at all the stupid things going on around me and let life seduce me again. Cause you see, I knew how to enjoy in the past. I was queen of living a dolce vita 24/7, but then something happened and I lost myself.

So you see, this summer will be all about seducing myself again. Brining out this fearless, flirty me, who loves cold with wine and long summer nights, watching shooting stars and listening to portuguese music, eating long dinenrs full of calories with friends, riding from sunlight to dawn, reading under a pine tree and sunbathing at 8pm when the beach is empty, the one that dances the night away and just is. This summer will be only and exclusively about me.

Different

For the last few months I am often confronted with some very specific questions: why am I different to sense everyone around me? Why do have to face emotional roller coasters aged 28? Why can't I have a normal relationship and a lot of people is scared of me? Why my  job isn't a simple classis when what you get on a desk is predictable? Why do I sometimes have to feel all these heavy emotions? Why is it difficult to even feel what I feel, what even to explain it to somebody who will understand? Will somebody understand? Why do I love being in nature and sleeping in and reading and not partying outside? Why is it sometimes so difficult to keep on moving and moving alone, when everyony around has somebody they can hold on to? Why so many whys?

And it goes back to my child years. Even then I was different, I never fitted in. And this is what I wanted so much, I still do actually - to fit in. I can't really tell why, probably because being one of them, makes me feel accepted, safe, confirmed, acknowledged, not alone. For some time I acted in a way to be accepted and was surronded by crowds not to feel alone and yet I ran away from myself and my own emotions.

You see and now I have to confront this feelings again and again and again. There are days when I feel great, when I  feel me, different me. But then there are days when all I wanna do is fit in. When I feel small and scared and lone. When facing what I have to face means a huge jump to me. And yet again Life was very straightforward and showed me, I can no longer fit in. I need to face this one more challange and admit to myself, that my life will never be like everybody elses. It never has so far, then why should it be now? This is something I will probably have to remind myself day by day:

 

Every end has a new beginning or why cleaning your closet means making space for new styling in your life

I think world is in a phase of an end and a very powerful begininng. This E&B began I'd say around 2009ish, for some a bit earlier and for some, it's here just now. And it's all okay. Human race has destroyed so much and caused so much pain and suffer and yet it still searches for relief on the wrong side of the story. You see, we have two sides of the same picture. You can either say that the big picture went wrong the moment we started to praise money and power and shopping and looks. When what you look like, became more important that what you feel and do and are. When you can buy people and sell them like a piece of meat. When power and money became the piedestal of the the most important value in people's lives. And then you can look from the other side, when people started to believe that what they wear and have is the most important thing in life. That owning and having and craving and demanding are the new daily motos. When end justifying any possible means is stepping on and over human being and its feelings and soul.

And now an end came. An end which for sure will not start from the top, but it will be a bottom-up process, for which I'm very certain is in its strongest phase just now. So many ends have happened in the past years, which were very painful yet brought relief. So many people around me have been crying their souls out to clean all the mess from the past decades. So many companies went bankruptcy beacuse they wanted to trick natural processes of life and many many more will follow. 

What I actually want to say today is, that every end brings a new beginning. And we are lucky enough to be born in a very special time. Time when powerful changes are happening, shaking the whole globe and every cell of our being. For better. Never forget this. Universe is very straightforward when it has enough. And ends are never pleasant. Every end brings many emotions, which we do not express daily and come in enormous quantities, if you can even quantify emotions. And all this is okay. My dear readers, be happy if your life has exprienced some ends in the past few years. It just means you're in line with the global process of cleaning. And be sincere to yourself, take some time and then ask yourself, aren you really better off now? Don't you really breathe more easily? And what's important it, it's okay to grieve. Actually it's a must! You need to cry out every end in your life, shout, scream, write....take all the time in this world you need. The magic formulae here is to know, that every person has a differing time-line of grieving and secondly, don't push it. Do whatever it takes, but don't push it to end as soon as possible. Take it really in, feel it, go deep...only then you will soon realise it doesn't hurt anymore. And it's not important if we talk about grieving for a relationship, job, favourite pair of jeans, travel you didnt go, concert you couldnt hear...just feel it, grieve it and you will automatically let it go.

You know, when your closet if full of clothes and when you still wannna put some new shirts in, at first they are all wrinkled and then you start pushing it it, and all of a sudden 10 other things fall out and you're face with nothing but cleaning out your closet. You take everything you have and throw it on the bed. And then slowly piece by piece you take a look at what you actually have! Surely you've forgotten you have so many nice clothes, but then on the other side there's sooooo many things you will never ever wear agian and you donate them to charity. And then you take time and put things in order, by colour and clothes type or just how it suits you. Of course, all of a sudden there's so much room in your wardrobe and why not do some small shopping and try out a new styling!

See, just like the closet example, the end works. You get rid of old habits, feelings, situations, work-load and make space for new challanges. But you can't really see, what's there that doesn't fit you, if you're not faced with an end or with a full closet. Why re-organizing everything if there's no need to?! Well Universe is just now in the middle of its season-changing cleaning and throwing out all the garbage there is and this is reflected also in our lives. And if cleaning out your closet, brings new styling you have been wanting for some time now, why accepting ends happening just now, wouldn't bring new beginnings which actually fit your perfectly?

I know my life just now loves dirty pink, which kicked out the dark blue and black. And dirty pink just needs to have some yellow and white. You see, I didn't only change spring-summer collection in my life, but put all I have in my life on the bed and did the finest selection ever. And my new start in life came. After quite a struggle and a very interesting journey indeed, this year I feel this summer again. No coincidence I'm writting this on the 1st day of meteorological summer. My month. My time of the year. Time when daisies bloom and grass has the most vivid shade of green. It's time of new people and events in my life.

It's all okay to have ends in life, cause they really do bring new beginnings. Always.

"Don't cry when the sun is gone, because the tears won't let you see the stars" (V. Parra).

You

Today I will write about one very special person I had in my life and listen to this.

I felt you for the past few months that you are somewhere around and close. After all these years I still know how are you and when you think of me. I thought of calling you or writing you an email but as always I decided to wait and see what God has ready for me and of course we met. It's been almost three years now. Actually exactly three years since the beginning of an end, a certain type of end. End which was too painful and we needed three years.

We both know, that what we had was so intensive and strong and special and different and difficult and too fast. It was the best moments of my life which I will never ever forget and it was the worst moments of my life when I really felt such pain I though Im going to die and yet this end was beginning of who I am now. I felt you like I never thought Im going to feel anybody else in my life and I really think I always will feel you.

You showed me what it means to love and to be loved. And I really mean love, not just care, but love. That life-changing "I love you", which if lucky you maybe say to two people in your life. You made my life spinning around and were the first person in life that calmed me down. We travelled the world when it was just us and the universe - the pictures are saved deep in my memory.

You loved cooking for me and spoiling me and would do just anything for me. We had our life planned, dreams written down over glasses of excellent wine, eating small delicious specialties of the locals, it was rainy, in the middle of mountains  and the world was ours. You understood me and knew me just by looking at me. Weekend getaways were like from a romantic movie.

But this were the good times, the first year and half of fairy tale. Then came the dark side of the story. Pain and tears and regrets and apologies and trying. We really tried and it just wasnt meant to be. Life in the end wasn't there for us.

We  needed bumping into each other like this. Feeling no one is around for that minute or two. It was the last sentence of our chapter. And I will only take the positive out of it, you showed me what love is and isn't and what it should be. And I really hope that all the pain and regrets and "what-ifs" I saw in your eyes arent true and were just old memories of us, breaking up. There's something I felt when sseeing you I can't comprehend just now and theere are some strange feeling in me I cant describe.

I really wish you all the best in this crazy world. I hope you are happy with your life and where you are and haven't forgotten your dreams.....apartments on your island and living life under the water. I wish you all the love there is, a family which will complete you and your broken inside. That some one special to take care of you and love you and cherish you like I didn't know how three years ago.

Always Yours

Is it all destiny or do we create life with the power of will?

Do you ever have a feeling, like you life is already written down and you're just an actor in this foolish game? Like somebody or someone would move you like playing chess? Sometimes you jump three spaces, then you move backwards, you sacrifise something......and it's chess-mat when you die? Coincidences (if you believe in them) make you meet people, who just by looking at your birth chart, are able to tell you almost by a minute precise, what happened to you and more or less also why. And then you ask yourself, why even bother! Every moment worrying or being scared is wasted and God knows how it's going to move us anyway and there's nothing you can do about.

But then again you have to make thousands and thousands of decisions in life, meaning you can be or even better said are the captain of your life. For example you take a decision, on what you want to be or do in life and just this very moment you can take another one and change it. Or not! The whole current of events will then follow your decision. Meaning nothing is pre-destined and each and every one of us has the power of free will and make his or her own decisions.

Every time I opened this questions in my head and heart, it feels like asking myself the questions of what came sooner: chicken or an egg? What I choose as my faith and belief right now is that when our soul decided to come down from heaven it knew exactly what's it signing up for, hence the big events in our life are most certainly already written down, but what am I going to do with them and learn (or not) is entirely up to me. So yes, in some way shooting star brought soul down to Earth touching every planet in our solar system a little bit hence making me, just the way I am. But then living (this) life here on Earth, making decisions what to do, when being mad or loving or travelling or crying ... is my own decisions. And then one might ask, how do I know I'm doing it right? My guess is follow your heart and intuition, as Jobs also said, they somehow know what you really want. And wishes aren't something we came up with, but were sent from somebody...and yet again our circle of questions comes...

I guess sometimes there're no straightforward answers in our life and it's all okay. Sometimes there can be two correct answers.

Fighting for life

Current events in my life made me think, how do we consider fighting in life. Why some people fight for life even in situations where every normal person would give up and surrender and why some just cant find that special energy in themselves to keep on going? Is it the fact that it's not bad enough and ego plays tricks on us?

What I am facing right now is observing my own symptoms and feelings and thought on a person dearest to me in the world, yet I cannot help. I can give all the advice in this world, can put the feelings in words, suggest the best help one can imagine to get, yet I am useless and helpless unless this person decides to fight over and over again. Every day, every hour and every minute. I think this is one of the most difficult moments in life, when the ones you love are in pain and suffer and there's nothing you can do to help them - It's up to them. The decision to fight the pain lies on the shoulders of each individual. You can have all the money in the world, are surrendered with people who trully love you and basically have all the means possible to be "happy by the book", yet if you don't decide and I mean really deeply firmly decide, no one can help you.

My experiences showed me, I never really knew Life, or maybe not knew but appreciate. I took it for granted. I was fortuante enough for all my life to go just as I imagined. Best in class, great jobs, enough of money to travel the world and do the little shopping every girl needs, loving family, great friends...I wished and I received. I read plenty of spiritual books, though I have everything figured out. Of course I know what it means to have no expectations and live the life every moment. Being greatful for every moment I am here? Sureee I know it all. And then it came...slowly, firstly it appeared here and there. And then it was more and more often and could no longer be ignored. This unsteadiness in my heart. Heavy feeling which interupted my breathing, pain around the stomach. And then I faced some surface issues in my life, keep on blaming it on others and it was better. I thought again, ha i'm mastering this spiritual things. Yet it was still there, not cured at all and still very strange and unkown to me. And what surprised me is to have this feelings in moments of relaxation, when I left my guard down.

And this went on and off for a couple of years. Couple of years which made me be on stand-by 24/7. Fear grew, being relaxed - what is that? I felt I'm the only person in this world who's feeling this way. Like I was crazy and different and kept on asking why on Earth is this happening to me? Why can't I be like everybody else? All I want is the life I read about in magazines...what should be normal for a girl of my age! And the more I tried to ignore it, the more these feelings were in front of my face. it wasn't that rare that I crashed on the floor crying out loud, when will this go away. What more do I need to do: meditation, yoga, books....Ha, but I forgot about the most important - human conversation about my feelings. All this were just my own emotions and fears and expectations and wishes that wanted to get out! For me to hear myself!!! Something which I was never thought like a child. Knowing that I know no more than 5 feelings, came like a shock to me! And then came a moment of enough hide and seek. I admitted to myself I can't do it no more. I can't live like this, I was shaking and drifting, felt like a stranger to myself and all i wanted was my old life and old me. In a second!  Or at least some sort of life and a little bit more of me! And I asked for help! Confrontation that I have a problem, which is socially stigmatized was one of the hardest things in my life. Simple confession to myself.

I dont believe in coincidences in life. I asked God for help and I received it. Signs were sent to me in a day and I saw them, sent a big thank you to God and this was a beginning of new me, new life and finally I think I know (Im still not sure about it) what some of the spiritual books are about. And I cherish Life and am no longer afraid of it. I know life is a battle. That's an axiom. But battles are here just to push us onwards, towards happines and new events and Im 100% sure, that what lies ahead of us is far better than what we leave behind, we just need to have the guts to make this first step, which will turn our life upside down.

So to anyone out there who reads this and has problems and faces difficult times and is afraid...not afraid, freaking scared! Trust me, when you surrender to life, life is there for you. It brings you things you couldn't imagined in your wildest dreams! And what is most important, you really really start living your life. Not by the book, not who you should or must, but simply like you want it. And im eternally thankful for all the years of fear and difficult moments and rough times and crying and shouting....cause now I cherish my Life. I no longer take it for granted, like something that is normal that we all have! I thank God each and every evening for what I have, even if I don't like it at the moment, because I know that when looking back in 5 years, I will know that it was necessary for me to grow, develop personality, be a better me and know what freedom is!

So know the big question: Why do we need suffering and fighting for life? That we don't take it for granted and start living it! So you know what, I think each and every one should have a battle in life, which we can win if we decide so, something to kick us out of our confort zone and face us with ourselves - only then we realize what life trully is about.