You see, after this peaceful nirvana in my life for some weeks, I think I opened another chapter of my soul searching and stepped on a path of finding the woman within. Too many every-day situations happened, when all I kept hearing was that Im very straighforward and direct and not soft or tender. That I clearly say what I think and do the same thing. Tha I have a lot of masculine energy and when do I have time to calm down......
All this made me think....really think and mostly feel. I started to feel what I feel about all this. And after some evening when tears poured down my cheeks and I was holding on to my blanket, I came to somestrong conclusions in my life. The kind which brought heavy dreams of me climbing up mountains again in my life and waking up in the middle of the night sweating like I ran a marathon. And even now there's so many things I want to share with you, but have no idea how to start....maybe with my title.
So, sometimes I die a little. There are moments when I can't take it no more, when there's too much stuff going on around me, too many projects, coordination, too much help given, too many energy shared to people around me, too much questions, not enough hours in a day.... When people keep on demand something from me and when all I do is give give give and nobody asks me, hey you, how can I help you today? Are you ok? Are you going to make it? Cause you know, it's okay also not to always make it! And then, when I admit to myself I won't make it, it's too much, everybody always say, heeey, you're super-you, if somebody, then you can make it! Or sth like: I have no doooubt and am not worried a single second! Well you know what you smart people around me, I'm worried!!! I'm worried I'm going to turn into this working machine and forget about myself. My soft inside, which even now is hidden somewhere deep down and even I have to have a long deep look to find it. And when I do find it, I hold like like the most fragile glass in the whole wide world, cause people still keep on demand something from me and the world just is as it is. And then I die a little.
When there's too much of everything I die a little. This means I first start to feel heavy weight around my heart....I stop talking and move away from crowds and people. I have my alone times, maybe I even run away a little bit, but when I feel like that I don't want to be in a way...my heart beat rises then and in the past I got scared and bascially experienced some hard core anxiety, now I know they're just feelings knocking on my heart, wanting to go out. Then my legs start to shake and I need to move it. I rarely can sit still....and then I fight with myself for some time - timeline depends on where I am and specially who I'm with...and then I try to describe my feelings with words and when this happens, I start crying. I cry out my pain and emotions, cause so far, this is the only way I know. For a long time I didn't cry at all...I think I started to cry maybe some three years ago..before I was a rock. Cause you know, if anyone, then I'm "allmighty and can do anything"...people expected this of me and I didn't want to let them down so I sucked it up and it passed. That was before 2014 and old me.
It hasn't happened to me in a while now, but last Saturday, on a perfect sunny day in the midst of mountains with two very special people around me, I died a little. Strong tough me, broke down. I was walking up hill when I finally admitted to myself one of my biggest fears. That for the rest of my life, I won't have the chance to be soft, that I won't have opportunity to be gentle me, cause you see, I need to feel safe that this comes out. And just now I can do this when I'm alone and for the last year one very very special friend is allowed in my world, when I crash and can't take it no more. And I have had two experiences now, when two other people were there when this happpend. They both know me really well and I have shared many of my intimate stories to them. And guess what I felt - shame. I was ashamed of myself, crying and thinking I can't take it anymore and that probably these special people around me will think...well what would they think I have no idea, but in my head, this just wasn't allowed. To cry and admit I'm weak is not on my map...wasn't, I'm drawing it on my map just now, writing this, admitting again...and again and again. And this made me observe myself even more....
Of course Universe wouldn't be my sacred friend if it wouldn't bring me the week I have had. When many of brave strong women and excellent friends I have in my life, died a littel die too. Broke down crying, that it's too much and can't fake it anymore. Can't keep up with the look that they're these strong tough women who have everything under contral and can handle it all, cause guess what - we can't and what's more importan we can't when we feel alone or are alone or don't have right people around us - and we can have excellent girl friends and they know how we feel, know what to say, but all we crave for is strong man's hug and simple words: It's all going to be okay! Yep, honest confession, we need somebody. We're also just simple souls, who can take up any challange, but need to hear these few words, need to know where our safe spot is and which hands can wipe away this heavy tears. What I wanted to tell is, that I really hope that people will stop asking of women to be tough and strong and brave and can do just about anything. Don't get me wrong here, I still think we can do things we have never imagined, but not alone and under all circumstances, because we lost ourselves. Every woman I talked to lately, gave the same exact answer what do they miss and don't get: hug, compassion and words it's all going to be OK and all that while feeling safe.
I'm not sure what I'd write for the end....maybe the fact that this world really is crazy, cause we lost ourselves in men's world. But then again luckily we're on the path of finding ourselves again. We just need some encouragement and feeling of security. And we need to be kept in hug even if at the beginning it seems we're refusing it. Try holding us and don't let us go for 30s...count it and then tell me what happens. And we need time and honest words, safe spot to share our emotions. And yes, we need to know we can die a little, cause then, knowing all this, we'll let down our guards too.
So on Saturday, I died a litlle. And I still feel exposed and confused....kind of naked actually. Cause there's someone new who got an insight into broken me...and I don't like to be broken and to see broken myself, what even for this somebody to see me like this...And I'm still thinking where's this line between cheeky, flirty and energetic me, who wants to do everything and try everything and do everything and me, being the same me, but because that's my shield, my protection in front of the crazy world we live in and who scares people around and then this 3rd version of me, this soft, scared and gentle me, who only comes out when she feels safe and cherished and undestood and accepted...can she be around more often? Can she be around also in the Office, when this 4th version of me comes out? All I know is, that I'll try to die a little some more, cause this will mean I'm more in contact with my emotions and my inner me...and then after some time, maybe I won't need to die a little, but have a nap instead...
No comments:
Post a Comment