When my strongest enemy is myself

I'm not sure if it's the eclipse happening tomorrow, my PMS mood swings, Pluto/Saturn tranzits messing with me, or just continuation of my soul searching, but for sure, a new chapter is opening just now and I can feel it it's gonna be fun fun fun. If until now I have been cleaning out emotions, patterns and healing old wounds on the account of facing the realtionships around me, now my job is to face myself...really myself. Possibly even hardest job than then ones I was faced with until now. And why do I believe this might be true? Cause for the past week in my dreams I was carrying out dead bodies, searching for deadly bacteria and viruses in basments and confronting some large, loud and stinky beastes - one on one, me and them, shouting and being angry - Them of me and I of them, seriously angry. And scared.

What I relized in the past days or maybe weeks was, that I have never been soft to myself. It probably goes in line with my discovery, that I always had to be serious and strong and people expected this of me. Well them and I expected this of myself. I never cut myself any slack in any aspect of life and my hardest and toughest judge is myself. Me versus myself. It is I who always wants to be 100%, top grades, best, quickest, smartest, strongest, always on top, leading...it is I who has the highest possible standards of everything towards myself. It's me who doesn't let myself to fail, well it slowly does now and that's why all the beasts. Wanting to change this, to be soft and gentle and to stop constantly demanding something from myself, brings out a massive defence line of my subconsciousness. And what's the biggest paradox here - I have a defence line in front of myself!

What I would like to do now, is to face this new challanging chapter slightly different. I will try or at leat have no intention to constantly fight all the emotions, but to let them be. I'll try to say "hello there, please come in" to them and embrace them. See what do they have to tell me, even if this means that my body will be shaking and vibrating. I feel that much of myself, to know, that all is going to be okay. I know I'll have many moments when again I'll die a little (or even a lot), I know I'll be fighting my beasts on the highway or climbing up this hill I'm looking in front of me. But most of all I'll be patient to myself, I'll give myself as much love and understanding I possibly can. I'll speak my emotions and feelings out loud and won't keep them in as I have in the past. What I need to do know is to accept myself, to again admit myself who am I and what's down there in the basmenet, next to all the bodies. To have trust in myself and know that this is just another phase of cleaning my soul. I finally understand and know what the following proverb is all about: