1 year

It's been a year on top of 5 previous ones. Exactly 1+5special years since.....hmm since what? I'm looking for a word to describe what started a year ago. I think  personal mystical experience would be the proper word. Indian philosophy puts it nicely when they say that such experience is the core of the inner self and development as contradiction to the Western mind. So yes, I believe especially this last 12 months were all about personal mystical experience. The kind when you regularly ask yourself about your sanity. And so today, I'm sitting in my rented flat which I really do love, just now listening to Rolling Stones on my fav radio station, sipping coffee, eating warm croissants with apricot jam and thinking to myself, what has changed? What new is there inside me? Have I really changed something? Myself?

Well I can't not-see the obvious. I live alone and on my own. Completely and 100%. Something I have wished for, for a veeeery long time. After thinking of buying a flat, I dismissed my ego as my servant and promoted intuition as my special advisor. And it's my special sanctuary, my sacred space, my secure safe spot, my second yoga studio and cooking laboratory. It might not have the perfect colour scheme or the size of kitchen, but it's a place where I can find my peace and decide who will come for a visit and who won't. And living alone came with this special sense of responsibility, self-responsibility. When all of a suddent it's perfectly clear that I am responsible for my own actions, feelings and most of all attitude. It's up to me how my day will look like, if I'll be cranky or not, if smell of morning coffee will bring a smile on my face, if I'll cherish every day like it's the last one. And this at first was a rather shoking realisation, yet a necessary one. So yes, all this is completely new.

I stopped wearing dark blue. I just realised this. I can't see it anymore! It's been with me for three years I think now. Black is back and colours are here too. Gold has a special place in my wardrobe. Brown took over on the casual-level.

I started to feel and no longer run away from emotions. Yep, feelings wanted to introduce themselves in the 5y but as I wouldn't let them, they all came out in the +1 period. Heavily. And it was, still is, relieving. Feels great to allow myself to have a great cry and then also a great laugh. And I started to tell people around me what I feel and show this. I guess it might be intimidating, but I can't change how I feel and what I feel. A very sad event in my life showed me, dare to always show how you feel, cause you never know if you'll still be here tomorrow or if the other person will be. Life is too short to waste it for not trying or knowing. This is the greatest courage one can show, to give yourself out there. To show emotions, to say I care for you or I love you. To have the courage to be hurt, but knowing that one day, by doing so, you'll twist your and somebody elses world upside down. So yes, I dare.

Showing myself "I can". I'd say this is the most powerful part of my transformation. I can: be strong, be weak, cry, feel vulnerable, stop being tough on myself, choose people around me, teach yoga, face my fears, admit myself I need help, be completely honest, die a little in the middle of the day, say to people I love them, show affection....many many I can-s which I never dared to show in the past.

I became deeply religous. Religious without an institution or praying scheme or rituals. Just me and awarness that I am not alone.

I dare to say no. Loudly, clearly, to whoever or whatever I don't feel right about.

I have learned as much as I can about family patterns. Decided to keep the rare ones I like and threw away the others.

I am still realizing who are people who cherish me, respect me, love me for who I am in my full-crazy-package. Many many are no longer part of my life. Were great companions, but our paths parted. And new people came into my life, new teachers, new friends. I stick to a few dear ones.

I grew strong. Physically, psychologically and emotionally. I hope I have. I still get scared. And I still sometimes look for a saviour and in the end, each and every time come to a conclusion I need to save myself. I learn to love myself and put myself to first spot, before everybody else. If I loose myself, I loose everything.

Hmmmm this is what crosses my morning mind just now. I guess things have changed. The way I feel, react, think, do, express transformed. I wouldn't use the word changed, it just transformed. I'm still the same me, who'd do 100 things at the same time, who has dreams of living happily ever and after, who wants to travel the world, who believes in good in people, who wants to help people around, who loves animals, who feels enormously and who is completely and utterly straighforward with words and emotions.

Feelings

Last weeks made me think of our feelings. So many people around me struggle to express feelings or to ignore them or not to accept them or not to admit them to themselves. So many friends are lost and hurt and suffer, because they don't admit to themselves who they trully really are. Human kind is most likely the only species in this world which has two things other living creatures don't: free will and feelings. Can you imagine your world if you felt reluctant to people, events in you life, gifts, travel, job, family, friends, food, music...if all would be the same, sunny weather, heavy rain, listening to rock music or going to opera. If you never fell in love or experience a broken heart. If you would not care who you talk to, drink coffee with or sleep with. How would the world be, how would we live and talk to each other? No laughter and no tears. No anger and no love. No excitment and no disappointment.

I'm sure the first thing that crosses your mind is boring. I agree, I would be bored to death. Not to feel. My second question to you is, why do you then struggle so much, not to feel? Not to let all the emotions kick in, goosebumps spread over your body. Why do you hold back tears and don't shout when you know this is all you wanna do? Why don't you express what you feel to people around you? Sincerely and honestly say and show how you feel. At home, at work, when exercising or watching a movie.

For a long time I didn't know how to feel. Or maybe I only knew how to feel the "positive" emotions and made a dam for the heavy feelings, the negative ones, the ones I didnt even know that existed. And then the dam crashed, exploded, too much pressure was created from my inner river of life. And I will be endlessly grateful for this. Cause now I dare to cry in public, to laugh in the middle of a restaurant so that every one hears. I dare to say light or heavy words, cause there is no more positive or negative in my vocabulary. I dare to say "I love you" to people who I feel I want to say this. And I show and say when I'm disappointed. I shout out loud when I can't take it no longer and I simply stay silent, when there's nothing to express. I feel gratitude for all feelings in my life, cause they make me feel alive. Cause I know I'm not a machine or a robot. I know I am human being.

So my advice to you is to tell, show and express. It can't go wrong. You can't feel wrong. You just feel yourself. Even if it might not end up the way you imagined, you will always know deep down in your side, that your truth was sent out there. And Universe values highly our honesty. So use your free will wisely and just feel, it's the best two tools you will ever handle.

When my strongest enemy is myself

I'm not sure if it's the eclipse happening tomorrow, my PMS mood swings, Pluto/Saturn tranzits messing with me, or just continuation of my soul searching, but for sure, a new chapter is opening just now and I can feel it it's gonna be fun fun fun. If until now I have been cleaning out emotions, patterns and healing old wounds on the account of facing the realtionships around me, now my job is to face myself...really myself. Possibly even hardest job than then ones I was faced with until now. And why do I believe this might be true? Cause for the past week in my dreams I was carrying out dead bodies, searching for deadly bacteria and viruses in basments and confronting some large, loud and stinky beastes - one on one, me and them, shouting and being angry - Them of me and I of them, seriously angry. And scared.

What I relized in the past days or maybe weeks was, that I have never been soft to myself. It probably goes in line with my discovery, that I always had to be serious and strong and people expected this of me. Well them and I expected this of myself. I never cut myself any slack in any aspect of life and my hardest and toughest judge is myself. Me versus myself. It is I who always wants to be 100%, top grades, best, quickest, smartest, strongest, always on top, leading...it is I who has the highest possible standards of everything towards myself. It's me who doesn't let myself to fail, well it slowly does now and that's why all the beasts. Wanting to change this, to be soft and gentle and to stop constantly demanding something from myself, brings out a massive defence line of my subconsciousness. And what's the biggest paradox here - I have a defence line in front of myself!

What I would like to do now, is to face this new challanging chapter slightly different. I will try or at leat have no intention to constantly fight all the emotions, but to let them be. I'll try to say "hello there, please come in" to them and embrace them. See what do they have to tell me, even if this means that my body will be shaking and vibrating. I feel that much of myself, to know, that all is going to be okay. I know I'll have many moments when again I'll die a little (or even a lot), I know I'll be fighting my beasts on the highway or climbing up this hill I'm looking in front of me. But most of all I'll be patient to myself, I'll give myself as much love and understanding I possibly can. I'll speak my emotions and feelings out loud and won't keep them in as I have in the past. What I need to do know is to accept myself, to again admit myself who am I and what's down there in the basmenet, next to all the bodies. To have trust in myself and know that this is just another phase of cleaning my soul. I finally understand and know what the following proverb is all about:

When I die a little

You see, after this peaceful nirvana in my life for some weeks, I think I opened another chapter of my soul searching and stepped on a path of finding the woman within. Too many every-day situations happened, when all I kept hearing was that Im very straighforward and direct and not soft or tender. That I clearly say what I think and do the same thing. Tha I have a lot of masculine energy and when do I have time to calm down......

All this made me think....really think and mostly feel. I started to feel what I feel about all this. And after some evening when tears poured down my cheeks and I was holding on to my blanket, I came to somestrong conclusions in my life. The kind which brought heavy dreams of me climbing up mountains again in my life and waking up in the middle of the night sweating like I ran a marathon. And even now there's so many things I want to share with you, but have no idea how to start....maybe with my title.

So, sometimes I die a little. There are moments when I can't take it no more, when there's too much stuff going on around me, too many projects, coordination, too much help given, too many energy shared to people around me, too much questions, not enough hours in a day.... When people keep on demand something from me and when all I do is give give give and nobody asks me, hey you, how can I help you today? Are you ok? Are you going to make it? Cause you know, it's okay also not to always make it! And then, when I admit to myself I won't make it, it's too much, everybody always say, heeey, you're super-you, if somebody, then you can make it! Or sth like: I have no doooubt and am not worried a single second! Well you know what you smart people around me, I'm worried!!! I'm worried I'm going to turn into this working machine and forget about myself. My soft inside, which even now is hidden somewhere deep down and even I have to have a long deep look to find it. And when I do find it, I hold like like the most fragile glass in the whole wide world, cause people still keep on demand something from me and the world just is as it is. And then I die a little.

When there's too much of everything I die a little. This means I first start to feel heavy weight around my heart....I stop talking and move away from crowds and people. I have my alone times, maybe I even run away a little bit, but when I feel like that I don't want to be in a way...my heart beat rises then and in the past I got scared and bascially experienced some hard core anxiety, now I know they're just feelings knocking on my heart, wanting to go out. Then my legs start to shake and I need to move it. I rarely can sit still....and then I fight with myself for some time - timeline depends on where I am and specially who I'm with...and then I try to describe my feelings with words and when this happens, I start crying. I cry out my pain and emotions, cause so far, this is the only way I know. For a long time I didn't cry at all...I think I started to cry maybe some three years ago..before I was a rock. Cause you know, if anyone, then I'm "allmighty and can do anything"...people expected this of me and I didn't want to let them down so I sucked it up and it passed. That was before 2014 and old me.

It hasn't happened to me in a while now, but last Saturday, on a perfect sunny day in the midst of mountains with two very special people around me, I died a little. Strong tough me, broke down. I was walking up hill when I finally admitted to myself one of my biggest fears. That for the rest of my life, I won't have the chance to be soft, that I won't have opportunity to be gentle me, cause you see, I need to feel safe that this comes out. And just now I can do this when I'm alone and for the last year one very very special friend is allowed in my world, when I crash and can't take it no more. And I have had two experiences now, when two other people were there when this happpend. They both know me really well and I have shared many of my intimate stories to them. And guess what I felt - shame. I was ashamed of myself, crying and thinking I can't take it anymore and that probably these special people around me will think...well what would they think I have no idea, but in my head, this just wasn't allowed. To cry and admit I'm weak is not on my map...wasn't, I'm drawing it on my map just now, writing this, admitting again...and again and again. And this made me observe myself even more....

Of course Universe wouldn't be my sacred friend if it wouldn't bring me the week I have had. When many of brave strong women and excellent friends I have in my life, died a littel die too. Broke down crying, that it's too much and can't fake it anymore. Can't keep up with the look that they're these strong tough women who have everything under contral and can handle it all, cause guess what - we can't and what's more importan we can't when we feel alone or are alone or don't have right people around us - and we can have excellent girl friends and they know how we feel, know what to say, but all we crave for is strong man's hug and simple words: It's all going to be okay! Yep, honest confession, we need somebody. We're also just simple souls, who can take up any challange, but need to hear these few words, need to know where our safe spot is and which hands can wipe away this heavy tears. What I wanted to tell is, that I really hope that people will stop asking of women to be tough and strong and brave and can do just about anything. Don't get me wrong here, I still think we can do things we have never imagined, but not alone and under all circumstances, because we lost ourselves. Every woman I talked to lately, gave the same exact answer what do they miss and don't get: hug, compassion and words it's all going to be OK and all that while feeling safe.

I'm not sure what I'd write for the end....maybe the fact that this world really is crazy, cause we lost ourselves in men's world. But then again luckily we're on the path of finding ourselves again. We just need some encouragement and feeling of security. And we need to be kept in hug even if at the beginning it seems we're refusing it. Try holding us and don't let us go for 30s...count it and then tell me what happens. And we need time and honest words, safe spot to share our emotions. And yes, we need to know we can die a little, cause then, knowing all this, we'll let down our guards too.

So on Saturday, I died a litlle. And I still feel exposed and confused....kind of naked actually. Cause there's someone new who got an insight into broken me...and I don't like to be broken and to see broken myself, what even for this somebody to see me like this...And I'm still thinking where's this line between cheeky, flirty and energetic me, who wants to do everything and try everything and do everything and me, being the same me, but because that's my shield, my protection in front of the crazy world we live in and who scares people around and then this 3rd version of me, this soft, scared and gentle me, who only comes out when she feels safe and cherished and undestood and accepted...can she be around more often? Can she be around also in the Office, when this 4th version of me comes out? All I know is, that I'll try to die a little some more, cause this will mean I'm more in contact with my emotions and my inner me...and then after some time, maybe I won't need to die a little, but have a nap instead...

Expectations

There are two major topics just now in my life that I'm dealing with, one is feeling and going with the flow and the second one are expectations. I think that a vast majority of conflicts in our lives we have is simply just becuase of expectations, the ones we have towards each other and towards ourselves. Shakespear put it nicely: "Expectation is the root of all heartache."

I remember exactly how this challange as my friend would say, came into my life. I was in my flat, having lunch with my somebody (if you don't know who somebody is, check my past blog ;)). And I was complaining over a certain situation with some people, how they don't understand, how they want me to act a certain way and do something I currently really don't feel and can't do, when all of a sudden it dawned on me, I'm completely the same. I have and have had many (way too many looking back now) expectations which only brought me pain. Actually they were wishes I pictured in my head for which I craved they would come true and by pushing them so far and so much, I more or less lost it all. Wishes turned into expectations which never were realised and only caused me pain, I then put it out on others and all I was left with, was regret and "what if-s".

I know now that expectations are all around us. Your boss has expectations of how you'll work and you have expectations of how things will be done. We have expectations of how food will taste and how advertised perfume will smell. We even have expectations of how the weather will be like, when they say it's gonna be sunny and warm tomorrow. But we never go so far to ask ourselves what is warm for me, is not necessarily warm for you. What I expect to happen and wish for, is most likely not something you wish for too. What I want to do on vacations is not how you picture you'll wander around this beautiful world of ours. We are surronded with expectations 24/7. Just be aware of all the commercials you see, all the adds you're surronded with, all the advices you read and "must-dos" you see on social media. All the signals of pressure we keep on receiving on a very subconsious and unaware way. It happens constantly! Expectations of how we need to look like, what to do to be happy, what a "percet" realationship is, even what a proper life these days looks like. Well you know what, stop watching TV, buying magazines and look straight when driving on the highway!

And now the big questions, what to do? How not to expect anything ever again?

Well let's be honest, unless we're Buddha or Jezus, I highly doubt we'll be able to live life completely withouth expectations, but we can try. I'm sure you know your inside and how it feels, when you have expectations. What I do is try to be in the moment. Try not to wish for to much or actually do wish for it but then wait for the cosmic kitchen to cook it and bring it to me. Or at least when I am disappointed over something or somebody, I ask myself why: is it becuase I pictured something in my head and this person didn't do/say/feel/react the way I pictured it's going to be or do I really have ground to be mad at somebody or something. I think you can imagine what the most common answer to this questions would be.

So as of today, I'll try even more not to expect, not to have any script written down in this head of mine, cause commonly I'd be just disappointed and I think that life in the end still is way too beautiful to treat it this way. And I'm also sure, well actually this was proved for several times in my life already, that if I trully really want something, it'll come to me, when i'll least expect it and in a form I never thought it could be materialised - and by this I think even more beautiful.

And yes, I'm sure if we'd all have one expectiation less per day in our life, doesn't matter about what, the world would be a much happier place to live in and what's more, we, each and every one of us, would be a much nicer and happier person. And don't you wanna be happy?

Gratitude

I love reading. That's part of me which I adore the most. My curious nature, keeps on wanting to explore everything and next to travelling and talking to people my favourite way to do, it is to read. Already when I was a little girl, my dad took me to his school's library and I picked books. Books to read. I don't quite know how I chose them in the past, I know I need to feel it now. And after strolling around library for about an hour I picked so many books my dad had problems carrying them back to the car. I always smelled them, touched them and they had a special place in my room, so I could look at them. And although I moved around a lot, I always took books with me. It's books that remind me who I am and what I love. The problem was when returning home and my luggage was always over-weighted just because of all the new book I bought. And I know exactly where I bought each book I have or whose gift is it. Lately what I read most are all kind of spiritual books and guides and self-help and ezotheric reading. All kinds, from every part of the world. And you know when you read a book and while doing so you think to yourself, OK I have this figured out, hmmmm this is an interesting point, yes I do understand this, ok this part lost me and I guess I'm not ready yet etc etc etc...And I always came to a point which I didnt really believe or I had no idea how on earth all religions of this world and greatest spiritual leaders write about and it's called universal love and eternal gratitude. There two concepts were always a mistery to me and I though that only great minds have the ability to really feel it and understand. To have this endless feeling of love just by sitting somewhere, being alone and not doing anything.

And today I'm grateful. I'm endlessly grateful that actually I can feel a tear of pure joy on my cheek just now, because of what I can feel in this very moment. It's called unconditional gratitude and yes, this special feeling of universal love. In my mind that's called "feeling life". And I feel life and gratitude for it. I have this easy smile on my face, feeling in my heart and no questions in my head. When miracles have been happening in my last week. When I have a feeling that all the good things I did in my life for others are somehow coming back to me. When I just feel the universe in me and I'm endlessly grateful for all my life experiences and challanges and obstacles. I think that for the first time in my life I'm actually proud of myself and who I am. I feel the love to live and life itself and the more I spread my love and energy around, the more I get it in return when I least expect, actually don't expect at all.

Ever since I can remember I had this feeling inside me, when I felt if people need me and how do they feel and what do they need. Lately of course and with the development of my being it's easier for me to understand what's been going on, but in the past I just helped people. My intuition and sense of morality have been highly developed. I had to curve it a bit to know why am I doing something, but helping people in any possible way I can, is what i love the most and what I know will be doing all my life. In the past month I was faced with many situations when people called me, came into my life when needed me...anyhow I helped them. I didn't really do much, I was just there for them, talked to them, took time and listened. And I really mean listened. And what i got in return was gratitude and love. Maybe they're not even aware of it, but when receiving the messages and sincere thanks, all I felt was love and gratitude. And I have experienced some of the most beautiful moments with people around me, when again I felt grateful to have the opportunity to enjoy the nature and talks and laughs and also cries...because we are made of all this. Good moments and bad ones. And I am grateful for those as well. And all this was expressed without anything in return. Nobody wanted anything in return - neither I nor people around me. In the end there are always two words which have been changing me lately and my sould and what I do and what I want to do in the future: thank you.

Thank you Life. I'm grateful for my friends who stayed in my life when I was at my lowest, I'm grateful for new relationships at my work which are sincere I can again have some people around me to whom I can turn to. Thank you for sporty days and lazy afternoons, cooking dinners and being invited to some. Thank you for listening to me and sharing your deepest thoughts and emotions in the middle of the night. Thank you for sticking with me, when I know I took your energy and didn't give anything in return. Thank you for the supportive words and honest hugs. Thank you for helping me moving boxes and reparing the little things in my apratment. Thank you for being there at me when I was shouting and crying and thought I'm going to die when driving on the highway and  you didn't run away. Thank you for watching sunsets and sunrises with me. Thank you for being part of my life and making me who I am now so I can write this blog. Thank you also for the tough times, cause without this I couldnt feel what I feel just now.

What I actually wanted to say in the first place is that I know this very moment what all the books were about. What do they mean when they write about universal love and gratitude as the most important ingredients of life. I feel it. So in the end, when you don't know why you're fighting for or feeling low, know that this is a very unique path you're on, nobody has yours, we each have our own, but in the end it's worth it. I'm just a human being, go to work, have to cook and clean and pay the bills, yet a living proof it can happen, one moment you can feel gratitude and love. And trust me, it's such a feeling I'll remember for the rest of my life. And this is also why I will keep on going...for this moment and this feeling.

I feel me. I feel love. I feel Universe. I feel Life.I feel thank you.

And it came

Listen.

And it came. I craved for it for a long time, for so many months, maybe even years and now it's been here for some weeks. This unbelievable feeling of peace and serenity in my heart. It feels surreal and I dare to hope and believe it's here to stay a while.

It didn't come without a fight. A very intimate and deep fight even in my dreams, when black and dirty beasts fought between each other. And then there was the largest snake possible, trying to bite me and yet it was dry and my best friends told me, it's dead, gone.....it was dry like fall leaves. And the beasts rolled down the hill. And then I was standing in the middle of the highway, a place which brought out the deepest emotions I had inside me, became wide and sunny. There was a voice behind me, saying I've made it. I came to an end and it's all okay. Awful storm behind me and peaceful clear sunset infront of me. And then I jumped from a cliff 7m deep into the sea and opened my eyes. And I wasnt at the bottom, but on the surface, and all I had to do was breathe. These were the crucial dreams I believe. A sign sent from up above and saying "hey you, you've made it. on to the next one".

And I became grateful that I can again have relaxed dinner with my friends and laugh until my bones hurt. That I can go out to a concert and not feel like i'm going to faint anytime. Go jogging and love it. Stroll around town and be a funky city girl who the next moment walks around forest barefoot and do all this while having a gentle smile on my face. And all this I can do free. Free of heavy emotions, shaking, tears, "what-ifs". Just me, but this time, a brand new me. And I cherish all these moments now. I no longer take them for granted, something that happens to everyone and is here to stay. And to remind me, that in life you need to keep on fighting. Fighting for moments, when you can watch shooting stars relaxed on top of a hill you've never been before, climbing up this special spots, which open a brand new perspective and with new people around. When random cooking in the middle of the week make an evening special, surronded by people you barely know, but feels like you've been friends forever.

I learend a lot from this chapter. I got to know the brave and strong me, the kind I never knew it actually exists. I know now, who my true friends are and I don't have any particular wish to socialize with the other ones. And what's the most important, I learned how to feel. Feel happy, sad, dissapointed, hurt, devastated, lonely, exciting, grateful, proud, scared and much much more. I learned what I believe each and every person needs to learn, especially before being a parent, cause the path to express feelings when you're three decades older is not something you'd crave for. This is a lesson, which made a profound impact to my being, my soul and my heart. It's something which changed me and fixed my broken inside. And I realised many of our family patterns, my parents traumas, cause I craved the most, what I couldn't get from them. And it gave me the courage to say out loud what I feel and think, to no longer keep it inside, "cause some people might not like it". Hey, you know what, I don't care anymore! I don't care if people don't like what I feel or think or how i'm dressed or what I do. If I feel it and I don't hurt people along doing it, I'm gonna swim naked and dance around and cry in public and sing out loud!

I still feel insecure sometimes though. Thinking all might come back, but then I always remember the dreams. The beasts and dry snake and I'm okay. Sometimes I still wish for that long comforting hug, but I learned that I first had to give it to myself. Put myself upfront before anybody else, before I can again give and accpet any other hug(s). And maybe, just maybe, that other special hug isn't far away...