Scent

It was yesterday, when listening to a marvelous concert playing Dalla's Caruso that I smelled a familiar, well known, soft scent....scent that reminded me of summer days in Provence, smell of pine trees in the evening breeze....scent of first love and escape. When nothing mattered, when all was allowed and the world was ours. The smell of freedom and days spent without food, just thinking of him. Memories of giggling, holding hands, slow and unsure kisses, shy looks and old towns, evenings spent talking about dreams over a bottle of French bordeaux. All of a sudden during the concert pictures were rolling in front of my eyes...colours, words, feelings, emotions. And I wonder where is he? What is he doing? Is he still a Parisian gentleman with a simple soul and green eyes that I know? But then, do I really want to know all this...aren't memories too precious to spoil them with new, grown up, reality?


How come have I not thought of him earlier? It has been 9 years, yet after our goodbye, there haven't been many moments of me thinking of him, especially lately. Interesting how we link smell to a certain event or a person. Is then all what remains in time and can really bring all emotions back the smell? Has scent such power over oud mind?


It made me think that from now on, it is not going to be pictures that I will wish to memorize, but scent of a place, of a person, of food. Even now when writing this, I can smell him and it brings a smile to my face. A grateful smile proving how lucky I am to experience all this, how there is no need to settle for less, when you know that such moments can, do and will continut to happen.

Failure

Life is interestig. When we think we have it all figured out, there comes a new "first time" which  normally shakes us a bit, makes us think differently and hopefully we learn from it. People who know me are familiar with me living life at 120%...I don't know how to do a thing 80%, I either do it or don't. And then comes a time, when you try to do something 120% and you screw things up...and you need to pick yourself up and go on. And it's hard, when you are used to doing things 120% and succseeding...and then you do it 120%  and you fail.

I guess there has been quite a few first times in my last year. A few first times in family, at work, with friends, lovers... A few which made me win the game and a few where I failed. And I love them all! I love every single one of them, becuase they've made me grow up...every time just a little bit more. I had to face myself, things I don't like about myself, which is always the hardest thing, and things I love about myself. But then once you do this, once you admit things to yourself, once you learn how to fail and learn how to get up, better and stronger, life becomes a nicer place to live in.

And it is also interesting, how we are becoming interconnected. Some might say it's just crap when you read about world becoming one big entitiy, which breaths together, feels together and works together. At least my life has become like this. All people who are no longer in line with my dreams, values and mindset simply left. No words were needed, no fighting, they just left. And I don't miss them, I don't feel the need to call them neither do they. And observing the same current of events and life with others, have showed me, that this is the right direction. Some people grow old with you, some are part of your life for certain period, some just to make your day and some never will be. The most important thing is, that we follow our intuition...as Steve Jobs once said, you always have to trust it, it somehow always knows what you trully want. I would add on top of it: it knows what you trully want and where you need to be at a certain moment in life.

That is why failures are great. They show a clear picture of who is there with you and supports you, and who doesn't even know that you failed at something or with someone.

It doesn't get easier, you just get stronger!