Fighting for life

Current events in my life made me think, how do we consider fighting in life. Why some people fight for life even in situations where every normal person would give up and surrender and why some just cant find that special energy in themselves to keep on going? Is it the fact that it's not bad enough and ego plays tricks on us?

What I am facing right now is observing my own symptoms and feelings and thought on a person dearest to me in the world, yet I cannot help. I can give all the advice in this world, can put the feelings in words, suggest the best help one can imagine to get, yet I am useless and helpless unless this person decides to fight over and over again. Every day, every hour and every minute. I think this is one of the most difficult moments in life, when the ones you love are in pain and suffer and there's nothing you can do to help them - It's up to them. The decision to fight the pain lies on the shoulders of each individual. You can have all the money in the world, are surrendered with people who trully love you and basically have all the means possible to be "happy by the book", yet if you don't decide and I mean really deeply firmly decide, no one can help you.

My experiences showed me, I never really knew Life, or maybe not knew but appreciate. I took it for granted. I was fortuante enough for all my life to go just as I imagined. Best in class, great jobs, enough of money to travel the world and do the little shopping every girl needs, loving family, great friends...I wished and I received. I read plenty of spiritual books, though I have everything figured out. Of course I know what it means to have no expectations and live the life every moment. Being greatful for every moment I am here? Sureee I know it all. And then it came...slowly, firstly it appeared here and there. And then it was more and more often and could no longer be ignored. This unsteadiness in my heart. Heavy feeling which interupted my breathing, pain around the stomach. And then I faced some surface issues in my life, keep on blaming it on others and it was better. I thought again, ha i'm mastering this spiritual things. Yet it was still there, not cured at all and still very strange and unkown to me. And what surprised me is to have this feelings in moments of relaxation, when I left my guard down.

And this went on and off for a couple of years. Couple of years which made me be on stand-by 24/7. Fear grew, being relaxed - what is that? I felt I'm the only person in this world who's feeling this way. Like I was crazy and different and kept on asking why on Earth is this happening to me? Why can't I be like everybody else? All I want is the life I read about in magazines...what should be normal for a girl of my age! And the more I tried to ignore it, the more these feelings were in front of my face. it wasn't that rare that I crashed on the floor crying out loud, when will this go away. What more do I need to do: meditation, yoga, books....Ha, but I forgot about the most important - human conversation about my feelings. All this were just my own emotions and fears and expectations and wishes that wanted to get out! For me to hear myself!!! Something which I was never thought like a child. Knowing that I know no more than 5 feelings, came like a shock to me! And then came a moment of enough hide and seek. I admitted to myself I can't do it no more. I can't live like this, I was shaking and drifting, felt like a stranger to myself and all i wanted was my old life and old me. In a second!  Or at least some sort of life and a little bit more of me! And I asked for help! Confrontation that I have a problem, which is socially stigmatized was one of the hardest things in my life. Simple confession to myself.

I dont believe in coincidences in life. I asked God for help and I received it. Signs were sent to me in a day and I saw them, sent a big thank you to God and this was a beginning of new me, new life and finally I think I know (Im still not sure about it) what some of the spiritual books are about. And I cherish Life and am no longer afraid of it. I know life is a battle. That's an axiom. But battles are here just to push us onwards, towards happines and new events and Im 100% sure, that what lies ahead of us is far better than what we leave behind, we just need to have the guts to make this first step, which will turn our life upside down.

So to anyone out there who reads this and has problems and faces difficult times and is afraid...not afraid, freaking scared! Trust me, when you surrender to life, life is there for you. It brings you things you couldn't imagined in your wildest dreams! And what is most important, you really really start living your life. Not by the book, not who you should or must, but simply like you want it. And im eternally thankful for all the years of fear and difficult moments and rough times and crying and shouting....cause now I cherish my Life. I no longer take it for granted, like something that is normal that we all have! I thank God each and every evening for what I have, even if I don't like it at the moment, because I know that when looking back in 5 years, I will know that it was necessary for me to grow, develop personality, be a better me and know what freedom is!

So know the big question: Why do we need suffering and fighting for life? That we don't take it for granted and start living it! So you know what, I think each and every one should have a battle in life, which we can win if we decide so, something to kick us out of our confort zone and face us with ourselves - only then we realize what life trully is about.

Choosig life and love

So after quite some time, when I was first of all going through pain and suffering from my last love, then struggling to surrender to my own feelings and when doing so, I met somebody. Somebody new, who came out of blue and made me feel again. And then he found me shattered and yet he still is here. On our first coffee actually on his birthday I fell apart crying and yet he stayed. He met me at my lowest, dressed in what I had to wear not to be naked, searching for myself and yet he stayed. Then came new year's and we knew each other quite well by then and still he was there next to me. And here came February and March and our dinners got longer, coffees more uniqe and friendly and although I got a grip of myself, there were still times when he was the only person who pulled me together in now time and yet he stayed. The last time I was listneing to my flaws, which I admit though, i.e. craving for knowing everything in advance and planning and not really surrendering to life and here he fails.

It was one evening we spent together...evening of laughing and fun times, full of intimate elaborations of old events, family gatherings, old lovers and sincere wishes. An evening I will most probably never forget, as It was of a kind. When we both put our masks down and were at our best. When we shared glasses and spoons and enjoyed that smoke outside on the balcony. When time stopped for us and all just was, was the very moment itself.

And then came a day when we said things out loud which we really meant. My deepeste wishes and his biggest fears. It was an afternoon when for the first time in my life I was proud of myself - I was actually capable of putting my heart out opened, saying I dont want to be just another friend, I want te be something more. Something I know we can create, cause neither of us is made and acts by social standards. We are both something special, and why not go for it. And for the first time in my life, I said, the hell with everything, let's see what faith has ready for me, I trust life!

And it's was a big strong no. Becuase what others might think. Because although he never tried something like this before, he knows what's going to happen - becuase he and I are just like everybod else! And here he faield, completely, utterly and perfectly failed.

It's beucase I trust life will be there for me, that I again dare to jump and see what happens. It's beacue I don't preach to others what im then not capable of doing. Its beacuse I say it out loud what I fear the most and yet I try my best to overcome it. Its because I trust my heart more than i trust my ego. It's beacuse comparing to others will never do it for me. It's beacuse I feel when something special is in the air and under no circumstances am willing to let it go.

That's why I always choose life and love over fear and what others will say. The moment I choose the other way, I become nothhing but the crowd. And I went through too much pain and suffering lately to choose ordinary again, when I just fell inlove in wierd and special. I know neither him nor I are ordinary, but this time it's no enough. And here again I choose life and love to know that all is okay and just the way it needs to be.

And yet again, never preach what you're not capable of doing. Choose silence, don't judge and grow and speak out only when you really mean what you're saying: all day, every day. That's integrity and that's how people will judge you.