30 December 2015

A year behind and one ahead

Hmmmm what to write about 2015 that I havent already written and put out there for you to read. What is there that I still need to say out loud.....

One year just passed and one is ahead of me. So many experienecs I received in 2015, so many emotions popped out, so many people I've met, words which have been said out loud. So many messages sent, blogs and emails written, so many wishes and fears expressed. So many solo evenings and dates with my friends. I don't think I would have ever said this a few months ago, but 2015 was one of the best years in my life. One that made me grow up and started to love myself. Yes, I think this was the biggest lesson, to accept me for who I am. With all my flaws and screwed up editions and cried out hours, but then again me, with my soft soul and this urging need to help people and just be there for them when no body else is and when they don't even know how to be alone with themselves. 2015 was a vivid year. I had to stand up for myself. Every day, every hour and every moment. I fell many many times, but then again I got up many many times too. I started to make my dreams come true and even though I still dont quite know how will I get there, I know that my intution knows the way and I'm learning how to be patient and wait. And sometimes also stop and not just wait. I felt disappointed and surprised, betrayed and loved, sexy and ugly, capable and incapable. I felt like queen and like the ugly duck, I was on the stage and on my kneews sometimes to get there. Yet I never gave up. I needed help, I admit. I wouldn't be able to do it on my own, I'm not allmighty - thank god, I have the guts to admit that too. I met Jack the bear and my two wolves. They're alway here when I need them and Jack has all the answers. Friends showed their true colours. Each and every one of them. I'm endlessly grateful for that.

Yeah, I doubt one has many 2015-s in a lifetime.

As a difference to last year, I start 2016 calmer. Very calm actually. Stronger. Much more confident. Again in love with life. With a renewed faith in God. With strange wishes: I wish to climb a certain mountain which ever since I was a little girl seemed as unreachable to me and in 2016 I will stand on top of it and shout I can do it. I can climb up there. I wish to again sit in a plane and leave the life to seduce me and never let me go! And my biggest wish is to help more people realise they're not alone. To make them feel they have life to live, to show it's okay to be weak, to cry and not to have all the answers. I wish to be there for them, when they start walking. Baby steps.

So in 2016 I wish you all to walk - not to stand still or run, but to do as many baby steps as you need to meet yourself and smile with your heart. I wish you the courage to start walking and persistance never to give up. You will stumble, you will fall, you will rest and on the way you will meet many different creatures from life and imagination, but never ever stop, because the view from top is worth it. At least that's what I was told, you see, I'm walking too, just by your side.


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23 December 2015

My Friends - My All

This is the song which reminds me of you
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2VbODnX0dVs

For a while now I wanted to write this blog, however timing or feelings weren't right and now they are. One has friends in life and one has FRIENDS. This one is for FRIENDS. For who you make me and how I feel when I'm with you. It's becuse you were my first or at least parallel therapy and listeners and it's because you stayed and didn't run away in my rough times. It's becuase you drove half a country to wish happy birthday. It's because you listen and surprise me. And it's mostly beucase you just love me, even when I don't love myself. My whole crazy package. Not just one version of me, and we all know there's a quite a few different editions of me. One for work, one for party, one for yoga, one for family, one for men, one for kids, one for sports, one for housekeeping, one for culture, one for art, one for music, one for dancing, quite a few for the rest of the world and yet, you respect all of me. Just me.

Throughout the last few years you have been my rock, my port, my all. There were moments:
  • when I really wasn't myself,  and you were here for me
  • when I was talking over and over and over again about one single issue and you listend for days, weeks or even months
  • when I was me, but for sure not the best edition, and you were here for me
  • when it was tough and I was cranky, and you were here for me
  • when you wiped my tears
  • when you made me laugh and when we lauged together
  • when you shared big long hugs
  • when we cooked and sang and danced
  • when we had long soul-deep sonversations
  • when you took me to places I have never been before
  • when you called just in the moment when I needed them the most
  • when even if we were seas and oceans apart you cared
  • when you surprised me the way I alway wished for
  • when we shared our fears and fought them
  • when we giggled like in high school 
  • when I was alone and lonely and you came - despite the late or early hour
  • when you sent small crazy messages I will never forget
  • you cooked me meals just to spoil me a little bit
  • you brought me cookies for a nice day
 I could go on and on and on. And you my dear rare people are my soul mates.You know who you are, cause you're the first I share all of me with. You're my family, my all. Each and every one of you is special and I love you for who you are, just the way you are and I wouldn't change a thing on you!

It's because I know I can turn to you, trust you with my life and know that you will always stand by me and protect me. It's because I can trust you all my feelings and thoughts and plans and dreams and even though you know I want to do thousand things at the same moment, you wait for me to decide or sometimes you decide for me. It's simply because you have been here for me when I needed you. When this transformation thing went on and yet, you were still next by me. And trust me, a lot of people weren't by my side, when all I needed was somebody to talk to, express what I feel and what's going on in my crazy head and lean on, get a hug. It's because you are happy for me and all the little steps I have made. It's because you always encourage me to go, try, do. And it's mostly becuase you all take me for who I am. Simple.

It's becuase you know I know plenty of people, but it's mostly because you know, there's only a few I will stick to forever. Each and every one of you basically met me in one of the phases of my life: when we were 3 and played in our grandparents' gardens, when we shared toys at kindergarten, when we were falling in love for the first time in primary school, when Friday night was THE day of the week at high school, when we danced quite some nights away at the University, when I was settling in a new country and you took me places and shared your home, when I actually hated you at the beginning, yet you are one of my dearest people in this world and you helped my find my first job, when you simply knew who I am after looking at me and always will know how I feel after just one look, when you gave me advice I will always cherish and you were right and naive me was wrong. And throughout all these years we went thorugh storms and rainbows only life can paint and it's because of you, I am who I am today.

It's because I can be myself with you and be calm. And even when I'm not calm, you understand. It's because you didn't go away when I was searching for myself and mostly because I feel each and every one of you. It's because you were with me during all the important events of my life, especially my birthdays and it's because you never miss it. It's because we sent packages to each other when we're 10 time zones apart and it's because sometimes you know who I am, when I forget.

And it's because I know what is ahead of us is great! We'll laugh, we'll cry, we'll travel, we'll settle, we'll move, we'll change, we'll grow, we'll fall, we'll get up, we'll cook, we'll chill, we'll work and what's important we'll be here for each other!

What I really want to say is, that I'm endlessly greatful for each and every one of you and I love you till the end of the world and back. And it's because you have been there for me I promise I will always try my best to be there for you too.