I would say it was the most difficult thing to admit to myself. Sometimes when some heavy feelings come back it still is. It had to cut my body. I cried laying on the floor. Pretending like they're not here could not last any more. It seems strange to me today how scared I was of confrontation with myself. It's me, just me. I remember like it was yesterday. It was two days before I had plans to go for backpack travel with my friend. It was almost like today, when things slightly calmed down and the hectic every-day with adrenalin pumping in my veins. I broke down. I cried. I cried a lot. It hurt my whole body, my soul, tears just pouring out and no way to stop them. My solar plexus was hot as summer sun, legs hurt, eyes tired and swollen. I did not know what more to do. And then it was evening and I was switching TV channels and I really rarely watch TV. And there it was. The sign, when all was clear to me: a short TV clip on how therapy can change your life. And at first I thought to myself, ok this is it. I'm officially crazy, I lost it, that's it.
I still feel like this sometimes. Just today actually, when it was overload of everything, but this time I left my legs to shake, tears to fall, soul to speak, hands to write. I admit that just now in this very moment I miss a hug. Someboday to say, all will be okay, so I'm saying it to myself. #allisaokay
My main purpose actually isto say, It's exactly a year since my first therapy. I chose my therapist as always by coincidence. My mum suggested a few good ones and then I I trusted my instinct. It took a month from my decision to the first visit. It was a month like from hell. Then I went. I stepped into this old flat in the midst of the city. Floor was bending, everything smelled of old. Dark red curtins are hung before I entered. I felt almost like I'm going to enter to a magician's room...well in some ways he has been my magician. It was 20min of polite conversation, in which we exchanged basic information. What's wrong, how it gets fixed. Honestly I had no idea what to expect. And then our second meeting, the first full hour. I was crying after 20min, but finally somebody was there for me. Just for me. It was my 50min, just mine. For the first time I felt like somebody is listening. I felt somebody is there for me, just me. He has elaborated what I couldn't comprehend. He gave me the credit I never got. He has slowly been giving me the feeling I am special. And I am, I know now I am. And you are too.
He is older, of course. He is special, just like me. He doesn't live a life he should, the kind I imagine people would expect from him, at least that's what I fell when Im next to him. I wrote in one of my blogs he was my port in the wildest storm of my life. He really has been, still is here and there. I don't really know how this therapy-relationship should look like, have no idea, but I have a feeling this one isn't just quite a common one. He always knows how to get rid of all my own expectations of how I should be, cause he somehow knows that's not who I am. I can be angry or sad or dissapointed there. I can also be happy and joyful. I grew up in this old room, sitting on the sofa. I fell apart, left my old me there. With his help I realised things I knew but were burried under too many emotions, I grew strong. I got myself back.
At the beginning I didn't dare to say to anyone I'm seeing a therapist. I didnt want to admit this to myself. It made me strange, not adequate, not fitting in, being different, not like the crowd. Today I'm saying to the world.: yes I have needed help. I couldn't be this strong tough me, and I can't be. Not even today and not like that, but stronger differently. I've needed somebody to hear me, cause this was the only way I started to hear myself. My thoughts, emotions. My higher self, my soul. To see and feel my dreams. To follow intuition and not what other people say around me. I am enough.
And so today it's me, and my bear and my wolves. I'm still not ready for to meet the bull. And I respect my emotions, my soul and my dreams. Even tough sometimes I still catch myself trying to fit in and not to experience all this. Yet I have. As my dreams showed me the other day, I went thorugh initiation. I saw myself as an Indian shaman, sitting next to a fire, eagle was my spirit.
That travel in Fall 2014 was beginning of the travel into the depths of my soul and its biggest lesson was materialisation. Exactly what was inside me, appeared on the outside. Chaotic traffic, hot sun, steamy stinky air, something new and unknown yet beautiful behind every corner. Climbing to a rock I will never ever forget. Signes from God sent every morning and every day. A driver whose name is Good Karma, feathers all round - angels where there with me.
And I haven't done any travelling basically outside my country since then, but I made the most important travel in my life so far - I travelled to meet me. And there were rocks and steamy air, fire and bombs all around...some days they still are, but this is the path of rebirth and it's never easy and sometimes you think like you're going to die.
Ha interesting enough, I always dreamed of going for a year-long travel....I guess my dreams came true #allisaokay
"The most beautiful jewel is tempered in the hottest fire and dipped in the coldest water."
(Leilah Tiesh)
