A year behind and one ahead

Hmmmm what to write about 2015 that I havent already written and put out there for you to read. What is there that I still need to say out loud.....

One year just passed and one is ahead of me. So many experienecs I received in 2015, so many emotions popped out, so many people I've met, words which have been said out loud. So many messages sent, blogs and emails written, so many wishes and fears expressed. So many solo evenings and dates with my friends. I don't think I would have ever said this a few months ago, but 2015 was one of the best years in my life. One that made me grow up and started to love myself. Yes, I think this was the biggest lesson, to accept me for who I am. With all my flaws and screwed up editions and cried out hours, but then again me, with my soft soul and this urging need to help people and just be there for them when no body else is and when they don't even know how to be alone with themselves. 2015 was a vivid year. I had to stand up for myself. Every day, every hour and every moment. I fell many many times, but then again I got up many many times too. I started to make my dreams come true and even though I still dont quite know how will I get there, I know that my intution knows the way and I'm learning how to be patient and wait. And sometimes also stop and not just wait. I felt disappointed and surprised, betrayed and loved, sexy and ugly, capable and incapable. I felt like queen and like the ugly duck, I was on the stage and on my kneews sometimes to get there. Yet I never gave up. I needed help, I admit. I wouldn't be able to do it on my own, I'm not allmighty - thank god, I have the guts to admit that too. I met Jack the bear and my two wolves. They're alway here when I need them and Jack has all the answers. Friends showed their true colours. Each and every one of them. I'm endlessly grateful for that.

Yeah, I doubt one has many 2015-s in a lifetime.

As a difference to last year, I start 2016 calmer. Very calm actually. Stronger. Much more confident. Again in love with life. With a renewed faith in God. With strange wishes: I wish to climb a certain mountain which ever since I was a little girl seemed as unreachable to me and in 2016 I will stand on top of it and shout I can do it. I can climb up there. I wish to again sit in a plane and leave the life to seduce me and never let me go! And my biggest wish is to help more people realise they're not alone. To make them feel they have life to live, to show it's okay to be weak, to cry and not to have all the answers. I wish to be there for them, when they start walking. Baby steps.

So in 2016 I wish you all to walk - not to stand still or run, but to do as many baby steps as you need to meet yourself and smile with your heart. I wish you the courage to start walking and persistance never to give up. You will stumble, you will fall, you will rest and on the way you will meet many different creatures from life and imagination, but never ever stop, because the view from top is worth it. At least that's what I was told, you see, I'm walking too, just by your side.


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My Friends - My All

This is the song which reminds me of you

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2VbODnX0dVs

For a while now I wanted to write this blog, however timing or feelings weren't right and now they are. One has friends in life and one has FRIENDS. This one is for FRIENDS. For who you make me and how I feel when I'm with you. It's becuse you were my first or at least parallel therapy and listeners and it's because you stayed and didn't run away in my rough times. It's becuase you drove half a country to wish happy birthday. It's because you listen and surprise me. And it's mostly beucase you just love me, even when I don't love myself. My whole crazy package. Not just one version of me, and we all know there's a quite a few different editions of me. One for work, one for party, one for yoga, one for family, one for men, one for kids, one for sports, one for housekeeping, one for culture, one for art, one for music, one for dancing, quite a few for the rest of the world and yet, you respect all of me. Just me.

Throughout the last few years you have been my rock, my port, my all. There were moments:

• when I really wasn't myself,  and you were here for me
• when I was talking over and over and over again about one single issue and you listend for days, weeks or even months
• when I was me, but for sure not the best edition, and you were here for me
• when it was tough and I was cranky, and you were here for me
• when you wiped my tears
• when you made me laugh and when we lauged together
• when you shared big long hugs
• when we cooked and sang and danced
• when we had long soul-deep sonversations
• when you took me to places I have never been before
• when you called just in the moment when I needed them the most
• when even if we were seas and oceans apart you cared
• when you surprised me the way I alway wished for
• when we shared our fears and fought them
• when we giggled like in high school 
• when I was alone and lonely and you came - despite the late or early hour
• when you sent small crazy messages I will never forget
• you cooked me meals just to spoil me a little bit
• you brought me cookies for a nice day

 I could go on and on and on. And you my dear rare people are my soul mates.You know who you are, cause you're the first I share all of me with. You're my family, my all. Each and every one of you is special and I love you for who you are, just the way you are and I wouldn't change a thing on you!

It's because I know I can turn to you, trust you with my life and know that you will always stand by me and protect me. It's because I can trust you all my feelings and thoughts and plans and dreams and even though you know I want to do thousand things at the same moment, you wait for me to decide or sometimes you decide for me. It's simply because you have been here for me when I needed you. When this transformation thing went on and yet, you were still next by me. And trust me, a lot of people weren't by my side, when all I needed was somebody to talk to, express what I feel and what's going on in my crazy head and lean on, get a hug. It's because you are happy for me and all the little steps I have made. It's because you always encourage me to go, try, do. And it's mostly becuase you all take me for who I am. Simple.

It's becuase you know I know plenty of people, but it's mostly because you know, there's only a few I will stick to forever. Each and every one of you basically met me in one of the phases of my life: when we were 3 and played in our grandparents' gardens, when we shared toys at kindergarten, when we were falling in love for the first time in primary school, when Friday night was THE day of the week at high school, when we danced quite some nights away at the University, when I was settling in a new country and you took me places and shared your home, when I actually hated you at the beginning, yet you are one of my dearest people in this world and you helped my find my first job, when you simply knew who I am after looking at me and always will know how I feel after just one look, when you gave me advice I will always cherish and you were right and naive me was wrong. And throughout all these years we went thorugh storms and rainbows only life can paint and it's because of you, I am who I am today.

It's because I can be myself with you and be calm. And even when I'm not calm, you understand. It's because you didn't go away when I was searching for myself and mostly because I feel each and every one of you. It's because you were with me during all the important events of my life, especially my birthdays and it's because you never miss it. It's because we sent packages to each other when we're 10 time zones apart and it's because sometimes you know who I am, when I forget.

And it's because I know what is ahead of us is great! We'll laugh, we'll cry, we'll travel, we'll settle, we'll move, we'll change, we'll grow, we'll fall, we'll get up, we'll cook, we'll chill, we'll work and what's important we'll be here for each other!

What I really want to say is, that I'm endlessly greatful for each and every one of you and I love you till the end of the world and back. And it's because you have been there for me I promise I will always try my best to be there for you too.

26.11.2014 : 26.11.2015

I would say it was the most difficult thing to admit to myself. Sometimes when some heavy feelings come back it still is. It had to cut my body. I cried laying on the floor. Pretending like they're not here could not last any more. It seems strange to me today how scared I was of confrontation with myself. It's me, just me. I remember like it was yesterday. It was two days before I had plans to go for backpack travel with my friend. It was almost like today, when things slightly calmed down and the hectic every-day with adrenalin pumping in my veins. I broke down. I cried. I cried a lot. It hurt my whole body, my soul, tears just pouring out and no way to stop them. My solar plexus was hot as summer sun, legs hurt, eyes tired and swollen. I did not know what more to do. And then it was evening and I was switching TV channels and I really rarely watch TV. And there it was. The sign, when all was clear to me: a short TV clip on how therapy can change your life. And at first I thought to myself, ok this is it. I'm officially crazy, I lost it, that's it.

I still feel like this sometimes. Just today actually, when it was overload of everything, but this time I left my legs to shake, tears to fall, soul to speak, hands to write. I admit that just now in this very moment I miss a hug. Someboday to say, all will be okay, so I'm saying it to myself. #allisaokay

My main purpose actually isto say, It's exactly a year since my first therapy. I chose my therapist as always by coincidence. My mum suggested a few good ones and then I I trusted my instinct. It took a month from my decision to the first visit. It was a month like from hell. Then I went. I stepped into this old flat in the midst of the city. Floor was bending, everything smelled of old. Dark red curtins are hung before I entered. I felt almost like I'm going to enter to a magician's room...well in some ways he has been my magician. It was 20min of polite conversation, in which we exchanged basic information. What's wrong, how it gets fixed. Honestly I had no idea what to expect. And then our second meeting, the first full hour. I was crying after 20min, but finally somebody was there for me. Just for me. It was my 50min, just mine. For the first time I felt like somebody is listening. I felt somebody is there for me, just me. He has elaborated what I couldn't comprehend. He gave me the credit I never got. He has slowly been giving me the feeling I am special. And I am, I know now I am. And you are too.

He is older, of course. He is special, just like me. He doesn't live a life he should, the kind I imagine people would expect from him, at least that's what I fell when Im next to him. I wrote in one of my blogs he was my port in the wildest storm of my life. He really has been, still is here and there. I don't really know how this therapy-relationship should look like, have no idea, but I have a feeling this one isn't just quite a common one. He always knows how to get rid of all my own expectations of how I should be, cause he somehow knows that's not who I am. I can be angry or sad or dissapointed there. I can also be happy and joyful. I grew up in this old room, sitting on the sofa. I fell apart, left my old me there. With his help I realised things I knew but were burried under too many emotions, I grew strong. I got myself back.

At the beginning I didn't dare to say to anyone I'm seeing a therapist. I didnt want to admit this to myself. It made me strange, not adequate, not fitting in, being different, not like the crowd. Today I'm saying to the world.: yes I have needed help. I couldn't be this strong tough me, and I can't be. Not even today and not like that, but stronger differently. I've needed somebody to hear me, cause this was the only way I started to hear myself. My thoughts, emotions. My higher self, my soul. To see and feel my dreams. To follow intuition and not what other people say around me. I am enough.

And so today it's me, and my bear and my wolves. I'm still not ready for to meet the bull. And I respect my emotions, my soul and my dreams. Even tough sometimes I still catch myself trying to fit in and not to experience all this. Yet I have. As my dreams showed me the other day, I went thorugh initiation. I saw myself as an Indian shaman, sitting next to a fire, eagle was my spirit.

That travel in Fall 2014 was beginning of the travel into the depths of my soul and its biggest lesson was materialisation. Exactly what was inside me, appeared on the outside. Chaotic traffic, hot sun, steamy stinky air, something new and unknown yet beautiful behind every corner. Climbing to a rock I will never ever forget. Signes from God sent every morning and every day. A driver whose name is Good Karma, feathers all round - angels where there with me.

And I haven't done any travelling basically outside my country since then, but I made the most important travel in my life so far - I travelled to meet me. And there were rocks and steamy air, fire and bombs all around...some days they still are, but this is the path of rebirth and it's never easy and sometimes you think like you're going to die.

Ha interesting enough, I always dreamed of going for a year-long travel....I guess my dreams came true #allisaokay

"The most beautiful jewel is tempered in the hottest fire and dipped in the coldest water." 

(Leilah Tiesh)

Why?

How many times have you asked this question in your life? Three letters...W H Y. Probably million times...

If I wanted to explain, what has been hapenning to me in last weeks, I could write a book. Happening around me and inside me. Events, emotions, people, relations, relationships. But I know it's all okay. I feel it. All is happening for a purpose, to check my reactions. Have I learned anything or haven't I. And this time I choose me. Just me. For the first time in my life.

There's so much I'd want to write out just now, yet it's too much too soon. When some things should be right, but aren't. Can't be. Not yet. When all seems right. And then why pops out. Why is this even happening then? Why such events when for the first time I'm letting it be, letting it all go with the flow. Maybe some times life just wants me to see, it can happen. It's is out there. Not just yet ready for me, but it does exist. So that I can see, what I wish for, can happen, but it's not yet ready, not in a form ready for me.

But in life it doesn't all depend on us. In any kind of relation, being at work, with friends, lovers, family, it's always somebody else on the other side. And all you can do is follow your own truth, your own intution and have faith, trust. Knowing that it's all here to teach me, us, something.

So maybe this is the time, to stop asking myself why, but to simply accept everything as it is. Simple as that. Just like it is. And wait some more, to see what life has prepared for grand finale of year 2015. So perhaps you should also just wait and see. Put yourself out there and have faith. Trust God it sees the big picture.

Remember, you can't connecting the dots looking forward, you can only connect them looking backwards. Just be honest to yourself and trust yourself.

1 year

It's been a year on top of 5 previous ones. Exactly 1+5special years since.....hmm since what? I'm looking for a word to describe what started a year ago. I think  personal mystical experience would be the proper word. Indian philosophy puts it nicely when they say that such experience is the core of the inner self and development as contradiction to the Western mind. So yes, I believe especially this last 12 months were all about personal mystical experience. The kind when you regularly ask yourself about your sanity. And so today, I'm sitting in my rented flat which I really do love, just now listening to Rolling Stones on my fav radio station, sipping coffee, eating warm croissants with apricot jam and thinking to myself, what has changed? What new is there inside me? Have I really changed something? Myself?

Well I can't not-see the obvious. I live alone and on my own. Completely and 100%. Something I have wished for, for a veeeery long time. After thinking of buying a flat, I dismissed my ego as my servant and promoted intuition as my special advisor. And it's my special sanctuary, my sacred space, my secure safe spot, my second yoga studio and cooking laboratory. It might not have the perfect colour scheme or the size of kitchen, but it's a place where I can find my peace and decide who will come for a visit and who won't. And living alone came with this special sense of responsibility, self-responsibility. When all of a suddent it's perfectly clear that I am responsible for my own actions, feelings and most of all attitude. It's up to me how my day will look like, if I'll be cranky or not, if smell of morning coffee will bring a smile on my face, if I'll cherish every day like it's the last one. And this at first was a rather shoking realisation, yet a necessary one. So yes, all this is completely new.

I stopped wearing dark blue. I just realised this. I can't see it anymore! It's been with me for three years I think now. Black is back and colours are here too. Gold has a special place in my wardrobe. Brown took over on the casual-level.

I started to feel and no longer run away from emotions. Yep, feelings wanted to introduce themselves in the 5y but as I wouldn't let them, they all came out in the +1 period. Heavily. And it was, still is, relieving. Feels great to allow myself to have a great cry and then also a great laugh. And I started to tell people around me what I feel and show this. I guess it might be intimidating, but I can't change how I feel and what I feel. A very sad event in my life showed me, dare to always show how you feel, cause you never know if you'll still be here tomorrow or if the other person will be. Life is too short to waste it for not trying or knowing. This is the greatest courage one can show, to give yourself out there. To show emotions, to say I care for you or I love you. To have the courage to be hurt, but knowing that one day, by doing so, you'll twist your and somebody elses world upside down. So yes, I dare.

Showing myself "I can". I'd say this is the most powerful part of my transformation. I can: be strong, be weak, cry, feel vulnerable, stop being tough on myself, choose people around me, teach yoga, face my fears, admit myself I need help, be completely honest, die a little in the middle of the day, say to people I love them, show affection....many many I can-s which I never dared to show in the past.

I became deeply religous. Religious without an institution or praying scheme or rituals. Just me and awarness that I am not alone.

I dare to say no. Loudly, clearly, to whoever or whatever I don't feel right about.

I have learned as much as I can about family patterns. Decided to keep the rare ones I like and threw away the others.

I am still realizing who are people who cherish me, respect me, love me for who I am in my full-crazy-package. Many many are no longer part of my life. Were great companions, but our paths parted. And new people came into my life, new teachers, new friends. I stick to a few dear ones.

I grew strong. Physically, psychologically and emotionally. I hope I have. I still get scared. And I still sometimes look for a saviour and in the end, each and every time come to a conclusion I need to save myself. I learn to love myself and put myself to first spot, before everybody else. If I loose myself, I loose everything.

Hmmmm this is what crosses my morning mind just now. I guess things have changed. The way I feel, react, think, do, express transformed. I wouldn't use the word changed, it just transformed. I'm still the same me, who'd do 100 things at the same time, who has dreams of living happily ever and after, who wants to travel the world, who believes in good in people, who wants to help people around, who loves animals, who feels enormously and who is completely and utterly straighforward with words and emotions.

Feelings

Last weeks made me think of our feelings. So many people around me struggle to express feelings or to ignore them or not to accept them or not to admit them to themselves. So many friends are lost and hurt and suffer, because they don't admit to themselves who they trully really are. Human kind is most likely the only species in this world which has two things other living creatures don't: free will and feelings. Can you imagine your world if you felt reluctant to people, events in you life, gifts, travel, job, family, friends, food, music...if all would be the same, sunny weather, heavy rain, listening to rock music or going to opera. If you never fell in love or experience a broken heart. If you would not care who you talk to, drink coffee with or sleep with. How would the world be, how would we live and talk to each other? No laughter and no tears. No anger and no love. No excitment and no disappointment.

I'm sure the first thing that crosses your mind is boring. I agree, I would be bored to death. Not to feel. My second question to you is, why do you then struggle so much, not to feel? Not to let all the emotions kick in, goosebumps spread over your body. Why do you hold back tears and don't shout when you know this is all you wanna do? Why don't you express what you feel to people around you? Sincerely and honestly say and show how you feel. At home, at work, when exercising or watching a movie.

For a long time I didn't know how to feel. Or maybe I only knew how to feel the "positive" emotions and made a dam for the heavy feelings, the negative ones, the ones I didnt even know that existed. And then the dam crashed, exploded, too much pressure was created from my inner river of life. And I will be endlessly grateful for this. Cause now I dare to cry in public, to laugh in the middle of a restaurant so that every one hears. I dare to say light or heavy words, cause there is no more positive or negative in my vocabulary. I dare to say "I love you" to people who I feel I want to say this. And I show and say when I'm disappointed. I shout out loud when I can't take it no longer and I simply stay silent, when there's nothing to express. I feel gratitude for all feelings in my life, cause they make me feel alive. Cause I know I'm not a machine or a robot. I know I am human being.

So my advice to you is to tell, show and express. It can't go wrong. You can't feel wrong. You just feel yourself. Even if it might not end up the way you imagined, you will always know deep down in your side, that your truth was sent out there. And Universe values highly our honesty. So use your free will wisely and just feel, it's the best two tools you will ever handle.

When my strongest enemy is myself

I'm not sure if it's the eclipse happening tomorrow, my PMS mood swings, Pluto/Saturn tranzits messing with me, or just continuation of my soul searching, but for sure, a new chapter is opening just now and I can feel it it's gonna be fun fun fun. If until now I have been cleaning out emotions, patterns and healing old wounds on the account of facing the realtionships around me, now my job is to face myself...really myself. Possibly even hardest job than then ones I was faced with until now. And why do I believe this might be true? Cause for the past week in my dreams I was carrying out dead bodies, searching for deadly bacteria and viruses in basments and confronting some large, loud and stinky beastes - one on one, me and them, shouting and being angry - Them of me and I of them, seriously angry. And scared.

What I relized in the past days or maybe weeks was, that I have never been soft to myself. It probably goes in line with my discovery, that I always had to be serious and strong and people expected this of me. Well them and I expected this of myself. I never cut myself any slack in any aspect of life and my hardest and toughest judge is myself. Me versus myself. It is I who always wants to be 100%, top grades, best, quickest, smartest, strongest, always on top, leading...it is I who has the highest possible standards of everything towards myself. It's me who doesn't let myself to fail, well it slowly does now and that's why all the beasts. Wanting to change this, to be soft and gentle and to stop constantly demanding something from myself, brings out a massive defence line of my subconsciousness. And what's the biggest paradox here - I have a defence line in front of myself!

What I would like to do now, is to face this new challanging chapter slightly different. I will try or at leat have no intention to constantly fight all the emotions, but to let them be. I'll try to say "hello there, please come in" to them and embrace them. See what do they have to tell me, even if this means that my body will be shaking and vibrating. I feel that much of myself, to know, that all is going to be okay. I know I'll have many moments when again I'll die a little (or even a lot), I know I'll be fighting my beasts on the highway or climbing up this hill I'm looking in front of me. But most of all I'll be patient to myself, I'll give myself as much love and understanding I possibly can. I'll speak my emotions and feelings out loud and won't keep them in as I have in the past. What I need to do know is to accept myself, to again admit myself who am I and what's down there in the basmenet, next to all the bodies. To have trust in myself and know that this is just another phase of cleaning my soul. I finally understand and know what the following proverb is all about:

When I die a little

You see, after this peaceful nirvana in my life for some weeks, I think I opened another chapter of my soul searching and stepped on a path of finding the woman within. Too many every-day situations happened, when all I kept hearing was that Im very straighforward and direct and not soft or tender. That I clearly say what I think and do the same thing. Tha I have a lot of masculine energy and when do I have time to calm down......

All this made me think....really think and mostly feel. I started to feel what I feel about all this. And after some evening when tears poured down my cheeks and I was holding on to my blanket, I came to somestrong conclusions in my life. The kind which brought heavy dreams of me climbing up mountains again in my life and waking up in the middle of the night sweating like I ran a marathon. And even now there's so many things I want to share with you, but have no idea how to start....maybe with my title.

So, sometimes I die a little. There are moments when I can't take it no more, when there's too much stuff going on around me, too many projects, coordination, too much help given, too many energy shared to people around me, too much questions, not enough hours in a day.... When people keep on demand something from me and when all I do is give give give and nobody asks me, hey you, how can I help you today? Are you ok? Are you going to make it? Cause you know, it's okay also not to always make it! And then, when I admit to myself I won't make it, it's too much, everybody always say, heeey, you're super-you, if somebody, then you can make it! Or sth like: I have no doooubt and am not worried a single second! Well you know what you smart people around me, I'm worried!!! I'm worried I'm going to turn into this working machine and forget about myself. My soft inside, which even now is hidden somewhere deep down and even I have to have a long deep look to find it. And when I do find it, I hold like like the most fragile glass in the whole wide world, cause people still keep on demand something from me and the world just is as it is. And then I die a little.

When there's too much of everything I die a little. This means I first start to feel heavy weight around my heart....I stop talking and move away from crowds and people. I have my alone times, maybe I even run away a little bit, but when I feel like that I don't want to be in a way...my heart beat rises then and in the past I got scared and bascially experienced some hard core anxiety, now I know they're just feelings knocking on my heart, wanting to go out. Then my legs start to shake and I need to move it. I rarely can sit still....and then I fight with myself for some time - timeline depends on where I am and specially who I'm with...and then I try to describe my feelings with words and when this happens, I start crying. I cry out my pain and emotions, cause so far, this is the only way I know. For a long time I didn't cry at all...I think I started to cry maybe some three years ago..before I was a rock. Cause you know, if anyone, then I'm "allmighty and can do anything"...people expected this of me and I didn't want to let them down so I sucked it up and it passed. That was before 2014 and old me.

It hasn't happened to me in a while now, but last Saturday, on a perfect sunny day in the midst of mountains with two very special people around me, I died a little. Strong tough me, broke down. I was walking up hill when I finally admitted to myself one of my biggest fears. That for the rest of my life, I won't have the chance to be soft, that I won't have opportunity to be gentle me, cause you see, I need to feel safe that this comes out. And just now I can do this when I'm alone and for the last year one very very special friend is allowed in my world, when I crash and can't take it no more. And I have had two experiences now, when two other people were there when this happpend. They both know me really well and I have shared many of my intimate stories to them. And guess what I felt - shame. I was ashamed of myself, crying and thinking I can't take it anymore and that probably these special people around me will think...well what would they think I have no idea, but in my head, this just wasn't allowed. To cry and admit I'm weak is not on my map...wasn't, I'm drawing it on my map just now, writing this, admitting again...and again and again. And this made me observe myself even more....

Of course Universe wouldn't be my sacred friend if it wouldn't bring me the week I have had. When many of brave strong women and excellent friends I have in my life, died a littel die too. Broke down crying, that it's too much and can't fake it anymore. Can't keep up with the look that they're these strong tough women who have everything under contral and can handle it all, cause guess what - we can't and what's more importan we can't when we feel alone or are alone or don't have right people around us - and we can have excellent girl friends and they know how we feel, know what to say, but all we crave for is strong man's hug and simple words: It's all going to be okay! Yep, honest confession, we need somebody. We're also just simple souls, who can take up any challange, but need to hear these few words, need to know where our safe spot is and which hands can wipe away this heavy tears. What I wanted to tell is, that I really hope that people will stop asking of women to be tough and strong and brave and can do just about anything. Don't get me wrong here, I still think we can do things we have never imagined, but not alone and under all circumstances, because we lost ourselves. Every woman I talked to lately, gave the same exact answer what do they miss and don't get: hug, compassion and words it's all going to be OK and all that while feeling safe.

I'm not sure what I'd write for the end....maybe the fact that this world really is crazy, cause we lost ourselves in men's world. But then again luckily we're on the path of finding ourselves again. We just need some encouragement and feeling of security. And we need to be kept in hug even if at the beginning it seems we're refusing it. Try holding us and don't let us go for 30s...count it and then tell me what happens. And we need time and honest words, safe spot to share our emotions. And yes, we need to know we can die a little, cause then, knowing all this, we'll let down our guards too.

So on Saturday, I died a litlle. And I still feel exposed and confused....kind of naked actually. Cause there's someone new who got an insight into broken me...and I don't like to be broken and to see broken myself, what even for this somebody to see me like this...And I'm still thinking where's this line between cheeky, flirty and energetic me, who wants to do everything and try everything and do everything and me, being the same me, but because that's my shield, my protection in front of the crazy world we live in and who scares people around and then this 3rd version of me, this soft, scared and gentle me, who only comes out when she feels safe and cherished and undestood and accepted...can she be around more often? Can she be around also in the Office, when this 4th version of me comes out? All I know is, that I'll try to die a little some more, cause this will mean I'm more in contact with my emotions and my inner me...and then after some time, maybe I won't need to die a little, but have a nap instead...

Expectations

There are two major topics just now in my life that I'm dealing with, one is feeling and going with the flow and the second one are expectations. I think that a vast majority of conflicts in our lives we have is simply just becuase of expectations, the ones we have towards each other and towards ourselves. Shakespear put it nicely: "Expectation is the root of all heartache."

I remember exactly how this challange as my friend would say, came into my life. I was in my flat, having lunch with my somebody (if you don't know who somebody is, check my past blog ;)). And I was complaining over a certain situation with some people, how they don't understand, how they want me to act a certain way and do something I currently really don't feel and can't do, when all of a sudden it dawned on me, I'm completely the same. I have and have had many (way too many looking back now) expectations which only brought me pain. Actually they were wishes I pictured in my head for which I craved they would come true and by pushing them so far and so much, I more or less lost it all. Wishes turned into expectations which never were realised and only caused me pain, I then put it out on others and all I was left with, was regret and "what if-s".

I know now that expectations are all around us. Your boss has expectations of how you'll work and you have expectations of how things will be done. We have expectations of how food will taste and how advertised perfume will smell. We even have expectations of how the weather will be like, when they say it's gonna be sunny and warm tomorrow. But we never go so far to ask ourselves what is warm for me, is not necessarily warm for you. What I expect to happen and wish for, is most likely not something you wish for too. What I want to do on vacations is not how you picture you'll wander around this beautiful world of ours. We are surronded with expectations 24/7. Just be aware of all the commercials you see, all the adds you're surronded with, all the advices you read and "must-dos" you see on social media. All the signals of pressure we keep on receiving on a very subconsious and unaware way. It happens constantly! Expectations of how we need to look like, what to do to be happy, what a "percet" realationship is, even what a proper life these days looks like. Well you know what, stop watching TV, buying magazines and look straight when driving on the highway!

And now the big questions, what to do? How not to expect anything ever again?

Well let's be honest, unless we're Buddha or Jezus, I highly doubt we'll be able to live life completely withouth expectations, but we can try. I'm sure you know your inside and how it feels, when you have expectations. What I do is try to be in the moment. Try not to wish for to much or actually do wish for it but then wait for the cosmic kitchen to cook it and bring it to me. Or at least when I am disappointed over something or somebody, I ask myself why: is it becuase I pictured something in my head and this person didn't do/say/feel/react the way I pictured it's going to be or do I really have ground to be mad at somebody or something. I think you can imagine what the most common answer to this questions would be.

So as of today, I'll try even more not to expect, not to have any script written down in this head of mine, cause commonly I'd be just disappointed and I think that life in the end still is way too beautiful to treat it this way. And I'm also sure, well actually this was proved for several times in my life already, that if I trully really want something, it'll come to me, when i'll least expect it and in a form I never thought it could be materialised - and by this I think even more beautiful.

And yes, I'm sure if we'd all have one expectiation less per day in our life, doesn't matter about what, the world would be a much happier place to live in and what's more, we, each and every one of us, would be a much nicer and happier person. And don't you wanna be happy?

Gratitude

I love reading. That's part of me which I adore the most. My curious nature, keeps on wanting to explore everything and next to travelling and talking to people my favourite way to do, it is to read. Already when I was a little girl, my dad took me to his school's library and I picked books. Books to read. I don't quite know how I chose them in the past, I know I need to feel it now. And after strolling around library for about an hour I picked so many books my dad had problems carrying them back to the car. I always smelled them, touched them and they had a special place in my room, so I could look at them. And although I moved around a lot, I always took books with me. It's books that remind me who I am and what I love. The problem was when returning home and my luggage was always over-weighted just because of all the new book I bought. And I know exactly where I bought each book I have or whose gift is it. Lately what I read most are all kind of spiritual books and guides and self-help and ezotheric reading. All kinds, from every part of the world. And you know when you read a book and while doing so you think to yourself, OK I have this figured out, hmmmm this is an interesting point, yes I do understand this, ok this part lost me and I guess I'm not ready yet etc etc etc...And I always came to a point which I didnt really believe or I had no idea how on earth all religions of this world and greatest spiritual leaders write about and it's called universal love and eternal gratitude. There two concepts were always a mistery to me and I though that only great minds have the ability to really feel it and understand. To have this endless feeling of love just by sitting somewhere, being alone and not doing anything.

And today I'm grateful. I'm endlessly grateful that actually I can feel a tear of pure joy on my cheek just now, because of what I can feel in this very moment. It's called unconditional gratitude and yes, this special feeling of universal love. In my mind that's called "feeling life". And I feel life and gratitude for it. I have this easy smile on my face, feeling in my heart and no questions in my head. When miracles have been happening in my last week. When I have a feeling that all the good things I did in my life for others are somehow coming back to me. When I just feel the universe in me and I'm endlessly grateful for all my life experiences and challanges and obstacles. I think that for the first time in my life I'm actually proud of myself and who I am. I feel the love to live and life itself and the more I spread my love and energy around, the more I get it in return when I least expect, actually don't expect at all.

Ever since I can remember I had this feeling inside me, when I felt if people need me and how do they feel and what do they need. Lately of course and with the development of my being it's easier for me to understand what's been going on, but in the past I just helped people. My intuition and sense of morality have been highly developed. I had to curve it a bit to know why am I doing something, but helping people in any possible way I can, is what i love the most and what I know will be doing all my life. In the past month I was faced with many situations when people called me, came into my life when needed me...anyhow I helped them. I didn't really do much, I was just there for them, talked to them, took time and listened. And I really mean listened. And what i got in return was gratitude and love. Maybe they're not even aware of it, but when receiving the messages and sincere thanks, all I felt was love and gratitude. And I have experienced some of the most beautiful moments with people around me, when again I felt grateful to have the opportunity to enjoy the nature and talks and laughs and also cries...because we are made of all this. Good moments and bad ones. And I am grateful for those as well. And all this was expressed without anything in return. Nobody wanted anything in return - neither I nor people around me. In the end there are always two words which have been changing me lately and my sould and what I do and what I want to do in the future: thank you.

Thank you Life. I'm grateful for my friends who stayed in my life when I was at my lowest, I'm grateful for new relationships at my work which are sincere I can again have some people around me to whom I can turn to. Thank you for sporty days and lazy afternoons, cooking dinners and being invited to some. Thank you for listening to me and sharing your deepest thoughts and emotions in the middle of the night. Thank you for sticking with me, when I know I took your energy and didn't give anything in return. Thank you for the supportive words and honest hugs. Thank you for helping me moving boxes and reparing the little things in my apratment. Thank you for being there at me when I was shouting and crying and thought I'm going to die when driving on the highway and  you didn't run away. Thank you for watching sunsets and sunrises with me. Thank you for being part of my life and making me who I am now so I can write this blog. Thank you also for the tough times, cause without this I couldnt feel what I feel just now.

What I actually wanted to say in the first place is that I know this very moment what all the books were about. What do they mean when they write about universal love and gratitude as the most important ingredients of life. I feel it. So in the end, when you don't know why you're fighting for or feeling low, know that this is a very unique path you're on, nobody has yours, we each have our own, but in the end it's worth it. I'm just a human being, go to work, have to cook and clean and pay the bills, yet a living proof it can happen, one moment you can feel gratitude and love. And trust me, it's such a feeling I'll remember for the rest of my life. And this is also why I will keep on going...for this moment and this feeling.

I feel me. I feel love. I feel Universe. I feel Life.I feel thank you.

And it came

Listen.

And it came. I craved for it for a long time, for so many months, maybe even years and now it's been here for some weeks. This unbelievable feeling of peace and serenity in my heart. It feels surreal and I dare to hope and believe it's here to stay a while.

It didn't come without a fight. A very intimate and deep fight even in my dreams, when black and dirty beasts fought between each other. And then there was the largest snake possible, trying to bite me and yet it was dry and my best friends told me, it's dead, gone.....it was dry like fall leaves. And the beasts rolled down the hill. And then I was standing in the middle of the highway, a place which brought out the deepest emotions I had inside me, became wide and sunny. There was a voice behind me, saying I've made it. I came to an end and it's all okay. Awful storm behind me and peaceful clear sunset infront of me. And then I jumped from a cliff 7m deep into the sea and opened my eyes. And I wasnt at the bottom, but on the surface, and all I had to do was breathe. These were the crucial dreams I believe. A sign sent from up above and saying "hey you, you've made it. on to the next one".

And I became grateful that I can again have relaxed dinner with my friends and laugh until my bones hurt. That I can go out to a concert and not feel like i'm going to faint anytime. Go jogging and love it. Stroll around town and be a funky city girl who the next moment walks around forest barefoot and do all this while having a gentle smile on my face. And all this I can do free. Free of heavy emotions, shaking, tears, "what-ifs". Just me, but this time, a brand new me. And I cherish all these moments now. I no longer take them for granted, something that happens to everyone and is here to stay. And to remind me, that in life you need to keep on fighting. Fighting for moments, when you can watch shooting stars relaxed on top of a hill you've never been before, climbing up this special spots, which open a brand new perspective and with new people around. When random cooking in the middle of the week make an evening special, surronded by people you barely know, but feels like you've been friends forever.

I learend a lot from this chapter. I got to know the brave and strong me, the kind I never knew it actually exists. I know now, who my true friends are and I don't have any particular wish to socialize with the other ones. And what's the most important, I learned how to feel. Feel happy, sad, dissapointed, hurt, devastated, lonely, exciting, grateful, proud, scared and much much more. I learned what I believe each and every person needs to learn, especially before being a parent, cause the path to express feelings when you're three decades older is not something you'd crave for. This is a lesson, which made a profound impact to my being, my soul and my heart. It's something which changed me and fixed my broken inside. And I realised many of our family patterns, my parents traumas, cause I craved the most, what I couldn't get from them. And it gave me the courage to say out loud what I feel and think, to no longer keep it inside, "cause some people might not like it". Hey, you know what, I don't care anymore! I don't care if people don't like what I feel or think or how i'm dressed or what I do. If I feel it and I don't hurt people along doing it, I'm gonna swim naked and dance around and cry in public and sing out loud!

I still feel insecure sometimes though. Thinking all might come back, but then I always remember the dreams. The beasts and dry snake and I'm okay. Sometimes I still wish for that long comforting hug, but I learned that I first had to give it to myself. Put myself upfront before anybody else, before I can again give and accpet any other hug(s). And maybe, just maybe, that other special hug isn't far away...

Me, myself and I

How many times have you asked yourself who are you? And I don't mean labels like, a daughter, a friend, a lover, a sister, a grandmother, a mother, a colleague, a boss etc etc etc. And I also don't mean who you think you should be, who the world around thinks you are or who you plan to be in the future. Just answer to a simple questions: who am I?

For me having no asnwer to this questions at first came as a shock! How can I not have an answer to a question? And trust me, there are rare moments when I have nothing to say. How can I not know to the most basic questions there is in this world - who am I? And for a change I didn't start to dig in by using brains and elaborating all possible relationships and positions and memberships...nope, I used a different method, I started to realize what and how I feel? What were the first emotions popping up when asking this questions which I remembered and where were I, when this occurred?

Interestingly my intuition brought me abroad....it brought me to times, when I lived alone in a foreign country. When I allowed myself to be me. To walk around in a black hat, red lipstick and feel free. When there was no pressure of who knows you and who doesn't. When I was 20 and the world was mine. It brought me to Turkey, London, Berlin, rest of UK and the USA. It brought me to green trousers, pink laced socks and golden high heels. It brought me to Turkish-Greek gay-lesbian parties and shaking that bootie of mine. It brought me to undergournd Berlin parties and long tube stairways to clubs in London. It brought me to Turkish seaside and long travels around lonesome borders with end of Europe. It brought me New York bookshops and cafes, art galleries and concerts. It brought me to parks and lying on the grass and staring at clouds. It brought me to the jungle and lonely islands. Reading books and listening to crickets, eating dinners with friends. It brought me to the nature and my magic oak-tree. It brought me to horses and dogs. It brought me to kitchens and wine cellars. It brought me home.

So now my homework is to discover, which things I'm doing just now in life make me feel this way.

Fear of being successful and enjoying life

Well by now I kind of got used to living three different lives in parallel: one being the serious, responsible boss who needs to work under constant time-pressure and facing unknow and unpredictable situations, second when I'm just a friend, sister, daughter and living the family-role and then there's the third side, when lately it's all about exploring my innerside, emotions, family patterns and karma, learing on my reactions and actions.


For some time now I've been noticing strange feelings inside of me when all is okay and right and not under stress and I just cant relax completely. And then the same feelings come when I achieve something... I can't really say I'm feeling like it's prohibited, but constantly after I feel good or achieve my personal goal, I have a feeling something bad will happen. Something to kill my happines and smile on my face. Something to remind me, that life is about lessons and suffering and nothing comes without sacrifaction. And I hate it. I hate this creepy feeling which weighs my body down, which raises my heartbeat, which makes me go home early, which makes me feel I can't do something, I can't climg that stupid mountain I've been looking my whole life, which numbles my hands and legs when climbing up a horse! I hate it and I finally realised that fear from enjoying life and success does exist. I knooow, it sounds really stupid, but hey, if you're a reader of my blogs, then something like this can't really surprise you, right? :)

And so as of July 2nd, 2015 I decided to face yet another of my personal obstacles and this time start enjoying and being proud of myself. Start going out on long summer nights and enjoy sleeping in in the morning, to laugh at all the stupid things going on around me and let life seduce me again. Cause you see, I knew how to enjoy in the past. I was queen of living a dolce vita 24/7, but then something happened and I lost myself.

So you see, this summer will be all about seducing myself again. Brining out this fearless, flirty me, who loves cold with wine and long summer nights, watching shooting stars and listening to portuguese music, eating long dinenrs full of calories with friends, riding from sunlight to dawn, reading under a pine tree and sunbathing at 8pm when the beach is empty, the one that dances the night away and just is. This summer will be only and exclusively about me.

Different

For the last few months I am often confronted with some very specific questions: why am I different to sense everyone around me? Why do have to face emotional roller coasters aged 28? Why can't I have a normal relationship and a lot of people is scared of me? Why my  job isn't a simple classis when what you get on a desk is predictable? Why do I sometimes have to feel all these heavy emotions? Why is it difficult to even feel what I feel, what even to explain it to somebody who will understand? Will somebody understand? Why do I love being in nature and sleeping in and reading and not partying outside? Why is it sometimes so difficult to keep on moving and moving alone, when everyony around has somebody they can hold on to? Why so many whys?

And it goes back to my child years. Even then I was different, I never fitted in. And this is what I wanted so much, I still do actually - to fit in. I can't really tell why, probably because being one of them, makes me feel accepted, safe, confirmed, acknowledged, not alone. For some time I acted in a way to be accepted and was surronded by crowds not to feel alone and yet I ran away from myself and my own emotions.

You see and now I have to confront this feelings again and again and again. There are days when I feel great, when I  feel me, different me. But then there are days when all I wanna do is fit in. When I feel small and scared and lone. When facing what I have to face means a huge jump to me. And yet again Life was very straightforward and showed me, I can no longer fit in. I need to face this one more challange and admit to myself, that my life will never be like everybody elses. It never has so far, then why should it be now? This is something I will probably have to remind myself day by day:

 

Every end has a new beginning or why cleaning your closet means making space for new styling in your life

I think world is in a phase of an end and a very powerful begininng. This E&B began I'd say around 2009ish, for some a bit earlier and for some, it's here just now. And it's all okay. Human race has destroyed so much and caused so much pain and suffer and yet it still searches for relief on the wrong side of the story. You see, we have two sides of the same picture. You can either say that the big picture went wrong the moment we started to praise money and power and shopping and looks. When what you look like, became more important that what you feel and do and are. When you can buy people and sell them like a piece of meat. When power and money became the piedestal of the the most important value in people's lives. And then you can look from the other side, when people started to believe that what they wear and have is the most important thing in life. That owning and having and craving and demanding are the new daily motos. When end justifying any possible means is stepping on and over human being and its feelings and soul.

And now an end came. An end which for sure will not start from the top, but it will be a bottom-up process, for which I'm very certain is in its strongest phase just now. So many ends have happened in the past years, which were very painful yet brought relief. So many people around me have been crying their souls out to clean all the mess from the past decades. So many companies went bankruptcy beacuse they wanted to trick natural processes of life and many many more will follow. 

What I actually want to say today is, that every end brings a new beginning. And we are lucky enough to be born in a very special time. Time when powerful changes are happening, shaking the whole globe and every cell of our being. For better. Never forget this. Universe is very straightforward when it has enough. And ends are never pleasant. Every end brings many emotions, which we do not express daily and come in enormous quantities, if you can even quantify emotions. And all this is okay. My dear readers, be happy if your life has exprienced some ends in the past few years. It just means you're in line with the global process of cleaning. And be sincere to yourself, take some time and then ask yourself, aren you really better off now? Don't you really breathe more easily? And what's important it, it's okay to grieve. Actually it's a must! You need to cry out every end in your life, shout, scream, write....take all the time in this world you need. The magic formulae here is to know, that every person has a differing time-line of grieving and secondly, don't push it. Do whatever it takes, but don't push it to end as soon as possible. Take it really in, feel it, go deep...only then you will soon realise it doesn't hurt anymore. And it's not important if we talk about grieving for a relationship, job, favourite pair of jeans, travel you didnt go, concert you couldnt hear...just feel it, grieve it and you will automatically let it go.

You know, when your closet if full of clothes and when you still wannna put some new shirts in, at first they are all wrinkled and then you start pushing it it, and all of a sudden 10 other things fall out and you're face with nothing but cleaning out your closet. You take everything you have and throw it on the bed. And then slowly piece by piece you take a look at what you actually have! Surely you've forgotten you have so many nice clothes, but then on the other side there's sooooo many things you will never ever wear agian and you donate them to charity. And then you take time and put things in order, by colour and clothes type or just how it suits you. Of course, all of a sudden there's so much room in your wardrobe and why not do some small shopping and try out a new styling!

See, just like the closet example, the end works. You get rid of old habits, feelings, situations, work-load and make space for new challanges. But you can't really see, what's there that doesn't fit you, if you're not faced with an end or with a full closet. Why re-organizing everything if there's no need to?! Well Universe is just now in the middle of its season-changing cleaning and throwing out all the garbage there is and this is reflected also in our lives. And if cleaning out your closet, brings new styling you have been wanting for some time now, why accepting ends happening just now, wouldn't bring new beginnings which actually fit your perfectly?

I know my life just now loves dirty pink, which kicked out the dark blue and black. And dirty pink just needs to have some yellow and white. You see, I didn't only change spring-summer collection in my life, but put all I have in my life on the bed and did the finest selection ever. And my new start in life came. After quite a struggle and a very interesting journey indeed, this year I feel this summer again. No coincidence I'm writting this on the 1st day of meteorological summer. My month. My time of the year. Time when daisies bloom and grass has the most vivid shade of green. It's time of new people and events in my life.

It's all okay to have ends in life, cause they really do bring new beginnings. Always.

"Don't cry when the sun is gone, because the tears won't let you see the stars" (V. Parra).

You

Today I will write about one very special person I had in my life and listen to this.

I felt you for the past few months that you are somewhere around and close. After all these years I still know how are you and when you think of me. I thought of calling you or writing you an email but as always I decided to wait and see what God has ready for me and of course we met. It's been almost three years now. Actually exactly three years since the beginning of an end, a certain type of end. End which was too painful and we needed three years.

We both know, that what we had was so intensive and strong and special and different and difficult and too fast. It was the best moments of my life which I will never ever forget and it was the worst moments of my life when I really felt such pain I though Im going to die and yet this end was beginning of who I am now. I felt you like I never thought Im going to feel anybody else in my life and I really think I always will feel you.

You showed me what it means to love and to be loved. And I really mean love, not just care, but love. That life-changing "I love you", which if lucky you maybe say to two people in your life. You made my life spinning around and were the first person in life that calmed me down. We travelled the world when it was just us and the universe - the pictures are saved deep in my memory.

You loved cooking for me and spoiling me and would do just anything for me. We had our life planned, dreams written down over glasses of excellent wine, eating small delicious specialties of the locals, it was rainy, in the middle of mountains  and the world was ours. You understood me and knew me just by looking at me. Weekend getaways were like from a romantic movie.

But this were the good times, the first year and half of fairy tale. Then came the dark side of the story. Pain and tears and regrets and apologies and trying. We really tried and it just wasnt meant to be. Life in the end wasn't there for us.

We  needed bumping into each other like this. Feeling no one is around for that minute or two. It was the last sentence of our chapter. And I will only take the positive out of it, you showed me what love is and isn't and what it should be. And I really hope that all the pain and regrets and "what-ifs" I saw in your eyes arent true and were just old memories of us, breaking up. There's something I felt when sseeing you I can't comprehend just now and theere are some strange feeling in me I cant describe.

I really wish you all the best in this crazy world. I hope you are happy with your life and where you are and haven't forgotten your dreams.....apartments on your island and living life under the water. I wish you all the love there is, a family which will complete you and your broken inside. That some one special to take care of you and love you and cherish you like I didn't know how three years ago.

Always Yours

Is it all destiny or do we create life with the power of will?

Do you ever have a feeling, like you life is already written down and you're just an actor in this foolish game? Like somebody or someone would move you like playing chess? Sometimes you jump three spaces, then you move backwards, you sacrifise something......and it's chess-mat when you die? Coincidences (if you believe in them) make you meet people, who just by looking at your birth chart, are able to tell you almost by a minute precise, what happened to you and more or less also why. And then you ask yourself, why even bother! Every moment worrying or being scared is wasted and God knows how it's going to move us anyway and there's nothing you can do about.

But then again you have to make thousands and thousands of decisions in life, meaning you can be or even better said are the captain of your life. For example you take a decision, on what you want to be or do in life and just this very moment you can take another one and change it. Or not! The whole current of events will then follow your decision. Meaning nothing is pre-destined and each and every one of us has the power of free will and make his or her own decisions.

Every time I opened this questions in my head and heart, it feels like asking myself the questions of what came sooner: chicken or an egg? What I choose as my faith and belief right now is that when our soul decided to come down from heaven it knew exactly what's it signing up for, hence the big events in our life are most certainly already written down, but what am I going to do with them and learn (or not) is entirely up to me. So yes, in some way shooting star brought soul down to Earth touching every planet in our solar system a little bit hence making me, just the way I am. But then living (this) life here on Earth, making decisions what to do, when being mad or loving or travelling or crying ... is my own decisions. And then one might ask, how do I know I'm doing it right? My guess is follow your heart and intuition, as Jobs also said, they somehow know what you really want. And wishes aren't something we came up with, but were sent from somebody...and yet again our circle of questions comes...

I guess sometimes there're no straightforward answers in our life and it's all okay. Sometimes there can be two correct answers.

Fighting for life

Current events in my life made me think, how do we consider fighting in life. Why some people fight for life even in situations where every normal person would give up and surrender and why some just cant find that special energy in themselves to keep on going? Is it the fact that it's not bad enough and ego plays tricks on us?

What I am facing right now is observing my own symptoms and feelings and thought on a person dearest to me in the world, yet I cannot help. I can give all the advice in this world, can put the feelings in words, suggest the best help one can imagine to get, yet I am useless and helpless unless this person decides to fight over and over again. Every day, every hour and every minute. I think this is one of the most difficult moments in life, when the ones you love are in pain and suffer and there's nothing you can do to help them - It's up to them. The decision to fight the pain lies on the shoulders of each individual. You can have all the money in the world, are surrendered with people who trully love you and basically have all the means possible to be "happy by the book", yet if you don't decide and I mean really deeply firmly decide, no one can help you.

My experiences showed me, I never really knew Life, or maybe not knew but appreciate. I took it for granted. I was fortuante enough for all my life to go just as I imagined. Best in class, great jobs, enough of money to travel the world and do the little shopping every girl needs, loving family, great friends...I wished and I received. I read plenty of spiritual books, though I have everything figured out. Of course I know what it means to have no expectations and live the life every moment. Being greatful for every moment I am here? Sureee I know it all. And then it came...slowly, firstly it appeared here and there. And then it was more and more often and could no longer be ignored. This unsteadiness in my heart. Heavy feeling which interupted my breathing, pain around the stomach. And then I faced some surface issues in my life, keep on blaming it on others and it was better. I thought again, ha i'm mastering this spiritual things. Yet it was still there, not cured at all and still very strange and unkown to me. And what surprised me is to have this feelings in moments of relaxation, when I left my guard down.

And this went on and off for a couple of years. Couple of years which made me be on stand-by 24/7. Fear grew, being relaxed - what is that? I felt I'm the only person in this world who's feeling this way. Like I was crazy and different and kept on asking why on Earth is this happening to me? Why can't I be like everybody else? All I want is the life I read about in magazines...what should be normal for a girl of my age! And the more I tried to ignore it, the more these feelings were in front of my face. it wasn't that rare that I crashed on the floor crying out loud, when will this go away. What more do I need to do: meditation, yoga, books....Ha, but I forgot about the most important - human conversation about my feelings. All this were just my own emotions and fears and expectations and wishes that wanted to get out! For me to hear myself!!! Something which I was never thought like a child. Knowing that I know no more than 5 feelings, came like a shock to me! And then came a moment of enough hide and seek. I admitted to myself I can't do it no more. I can't live like this, I was shaking and drifting, felt like a stranger to myself and all i wanted was my old life and old me. In a second!  Or at least some sort of life and a little bit more of me! And I asked for help! Confrontation that I have a problem, which is socially stigmatized was one of the hardest things in my life. Simple confession to myself.

I dont believe in coincidences in life. I asked God for help and I received it. Signs were sent to me in a day and I saw them, sent a big thank you to God and this was a beginning of new me, new life and finally I think I know (Im still not sure about it) what some of the spiritual books are about. And I cherish Life and am no longer afraid of it. I know life is a battle. That's an axiom. But battles are here just to push us onwards, towards happines and new events and Im 100% sure, that what lies ahead of us is far better than what we leave behind, we just need to have the guts to make this first step, which will turn our life upside down.

So to anyone out there who reads this and has problems and faces difficult times and is afraid...not afraid, freaking scared! Trust me, when you surrender to life, life is there for you. It brings you things you couldn't imagined in your wildest dreams! And what is most important, you really really start living your life. Not by the book, not who you should or must, but simply like you want it. And im eternally thankful for all the years of fear and difficult moments and rough times and crying and shouting....cause now I cherish my Life. I no longer take it for granted, like something that is normal that we all have! I thank God each and every evening for what I have, even if I don't like it at the moment, because I know that when looking back in 5 years, I will know that it was necessary for me to grow, develop personality, be a better me and know what freedom is!

So know the big question: Why do we need suffering and fighting for life? That we don't take it for granted and start living it! So you know what, I think each and every one should have a battle in life, which we can win if we decide so, something to kick us out of our confort zone and face us with ourselves - only then we realize what life trully is about.

Choosig life and love

So after quite some time, when I was first of all going through pain and suffering from my last love, then struggling to surrender to my own feelings and when doing so, I met somebody. Somebody new, who came out of blue and made me feel again. And then he found me shattered and yet he still is here. On our first coffee actually on his birthday I fell apart crying and yet he stayed. He met me at my lowest, dressed in what I had to wear not to be naked, searching for myself and yet he stayed. Then came new year's and we knew each other quite well by then and still he was there next to me. And here came February and March and our dinners got longer, coffees more uniqe and friendly and although I got a grip of myself, there were still times when he was the only person who pulled me together in now time and yet he stayed. The last time I was listneing to my flaws, which I admit though, i.e. craving for knowing everything in advance and planning and not really surrendering to life and here he fails.

It was one evening we spent together...evening of laughing and fun times, full of intimate elaborations of old events, family gatherings, old lovers and sincere wishes. An evening I will most probably never forget, as It was of a kind. When we both put our masks down and were at our best. When we shared glasses and spoons and enjoyed that smoke outside on the balcony. When time stopped for us and all just was, was the very moment itself.

And then came a day when we said things out loud which we really meant. My deepeste wishes and his biggest fears. It was an afternoon when for the first time in my life I was proud of myself - I was actually capable of putting my heart out opened, saying I dont want to be just another friend, I want te be something more. Something I know we can create, cause neither of us is made and acts by social standards. We are both something special, and why not go for it. And for the first time in my life, I said, the hell with everything, let's see what faith has ready for me, I trust life!

And it's was a big strong no. Becuase what others might think. Because although he never tried something like this before, he knows what's going to happen - becuase he and I are just like everybod else! And here he faield, completely, utterly and perfectly failed.

It's beucase I trust life will be there for me, that I again dare to jump and see what happens. It's beacue I don't preach to others what im then not capable of doing. Its beacuse I say it out loud what I fear the most and yet I try my best to overcome it. Its because I trust my heart more than i trust my ego. It's beacuse comparing to others will never do it for me. It's beacuse I feel when something special is in the air and under no circumstances am willing to let it go.

That's why I always choose life and love over fear and what others will say. The moment I choose the other way, I become nothhing but the crowd. And I went through too much pain and suffering lately to choose ordinary again, when I just fell inlove in wierd and special. I know neither him nor I are ordinary, but this time it's no enough. And here again I choose life and love to know that all is okay and just the way it needs to be.

And yet again, never preach what you're not capable of doing. Choose silence, don't judge and grow and speak out only when you really mean what you're saying: all day, every day. That's integrity and that's how people will judge you.

A changed weekend

Just recently "somebody special" confronted me with quite some facts about myself and the majority of them were actually quite true. One of the things he pointed out was that if possible I would like to have my whole life planned out, know when and where will I get married and have children and how my career will go and in the end when and where will I die. And that it's time for me to really see that life isn't about planning and having everything under control all the time. And I do agree, to a certain point of course, but more than this he got me thinking why do I live my life the way I do.

And yet again I went deep inside my soul to see where and when has this started, to have a reality check why is it sometimes so difficult for me to surrender to life and loose control and maybe to nothing as a difference to always doing something! You see, with me, a day needs to be fully exploited! I mean it's sunny outside and there's not a machine in the world which could  tie me to spend the day inside! There's so much to do, to see, to read, to write in this life and to really have most out of everything! I want to keep on learning and reading and growing - If you take this away from me, you might just kill me!But then again if you want to have full days in life, this means some necessary planning and yes, control over time, otherwise one can never do sports, cook yummy lunch, meet friends, have the sweet afternoon nap, read a book, do some cleaning, visit family, yoga in the evening etc etc....

But then, this somebody was right....doing all this is great, sometimes - not every weekend! So you see, today, I wasn't sporty me, I did the necessary dishes and clothes washing, only went across town to friends' place for a long sunny sitting coffee and chitchat, i kept my afternoon nap, added lazy afternoon on the terrace reading and writing....not planning, just going with the flow of the day.

Another question popped up, do I do all the crazy things over the weekend because I really enjoy them, trully really completely? Or some of them are on my agenda just to simply fit in? To be able to say to myself ok my weekend was great, because during a weekend I NEED to do all these things, not because I want to...there's no clear answer up til now, which I think we all know what it means.

Fitting in our just being me - where's the thin line which makes us unique or just somebody who does things like everybody else just because you "ought to do" these things in this period of life. And doing this brings us safety, because we know we can identify with others, the crowd and can get approval. But do I really need so much approval? Well for the past some years I needed it, but now I'm slowly turning back to myself. Back to black hat and red lipstick, back to my roots of being me, back to the feeling when nothing in the world could scare me, cause I trust life - the thing is, it won't be back, it will be forward: forward to stronger me, towards to knowing myself and my shady side, towards to new challanges and towards to what my somebody special said: life isn't something we plan, life happens every minute. So I will try to be brave to get out of my comfort zone - for the n-th time in the past few months, and go on my second date with Life. My first one happened on January 2nd and so far it didn't get me disappointed! Let's see where Life will bring me over the weekends :).

Somebody

I hope that everybody has somebody special in life. Somebody is not just anybody and there is not a lot of somebodies in our life. Somebody changes and different periods of our life bring a different somebody to us.

My life just now has two somebodies. Two which were never on my schedule, well i don't even know if you can have a somebody on monthly or weekly agenda. Both somebodies know me inside out and with both I can trully be who I am. Both listen to me and are brutally honest. And they are really good listeners! They are completely different and yet both so close to me. And they both know me for very little time yet it feels like they've been with me for my whole life! Both were with me, wiping those heavy tears and both bring smile to my face which makes me feel beautiful. They both know when i really need them and when i need a kick in my last part of body with lovely curves!

My somebody is somebody who i can call in the middle of the night for an advice. It's somebody with whome I can talk about anything and admit my fears and the craziest things i have done in my life and nobody knows! My somebody is somebody who thinks i'm the most special and unique person in the world and loves me for it. My somebody is somebody where I don't need to fit in and can be myself. My somebody cracks jokes on my account and I love it and laugh along.

And the most important thing is that my somebody calms me down. Each and every time, doesn't matter if im angry or sad or disappointed or whatever....even when I feel whatever, my somebody is there. And somebody gives big strong hugs when I need them.

And I pray that everybody has a somebody!

Let it go

Letting go is the hardest thig in life and yet we circualarly need to let go of people, things, places, emotions, expectations, wishes, emotions...basically life is made out of "letting go-s" and the sooner we realize this the better for us. But can we really let things go? How do we know, that we actually let something go; is it a special feeling or maybe a sign send from up above?

It starts when we need to let go of mum and dad and make our first steps into this brave new world. When we experience freedom in line with heights of stairs and fences around where we walk.later on we loose our  first doll or truck and again we need to say goodbye to things we cherish the most. It might be moving away from grandparents or just waving farewell to our best friends who change houses that create lost in our heart and we don't quite know what to do with it. We then change freinds when we go to school and high school and university and change jobs. In between we have to let go of old lovers and friends and create space for new people. We go abroad for a while and first we let go of home town and all of a suddon it's letting go of our own country. Not to mention all the material things we let go in between: our favourite pair of jeans or sunglasses, old haircut which we decide to change for new one, first car is always a mileston on its own!

Then we have our wishes and emotions...for which I believe we shouldnt let go, at least not wishes. Emotions are here as the ocean...they move with us, sometimes they cause big long heavy waves and sometimes they splash in our heart. There are also moments of stillness, peace and quiet, well at least in my life they are pretty rare, but they do happen. Interestengly enough we normally let go of positive emotions much easier than sad ones...why cling to the bad, when we should hold on the good ones?

You see now, that every day we need to let go of ourselves when we fall a sleep...we let go of reality and surrender to our subconsiousness in which we yet again dream of having and letting things go. So why is it after all this time so difficult to let go? To leave life heading its own way, when we know, that in the end, we can't really do much against Faith and God's plans. Why don't we trust the course of events and let go of our constant planning and prejudice? And I am sure we all know the feeling when we courageously let go - it has a special name too, it's called freedom (!) and only our ego plays stupid games with our mind and wants us to stay still in our cave and not move or change or try something new!


A quote which always pops up in my mind when thinking about letting go is: Sometimes you just gotta trust, have faith, breath and let go and see what happens!

Signs or why you should always trust yourself!

I often hear people complaining, that they do not know what to do, what their next step should be, how to decide in this or that area, should they stay or should they go etc. Friends often come to me for a piece of advice and in the past I was all about giving advices and explaining what they should or shouldn't do, but this has changed in the past years. Who am I to tell people what to do? OK, I do feel very very well, how do they feel, but I am no God to have all the answers and in the end it needs to be us, who make the decision and take the responsibility.

Responsibility is yet another word, which I just recently re-discovered in a whole new aspect. Before it meant being on-time, doing what people tell you to do, respecting laws and also social norms, whereas lately I feel it. With me everything works in a way to feel. I need to feel people and I need to feel words, values...myself. So I felt responsibility towards myself and it's enormous and at first it freaked me out! But then it gave me strenght and made me feel free. It is difficult to choose correct words to describe this special moment, when my life got a new perspective. I realised, I don't need to do things for other people and I am doing them for myself. If I fight I am fighting for myself and otherwise I choose who I fight for. There is no "must-s" in life, there are only "I choose to-s". And then, when one really explors this feeling, the decisions we make are much less automatic, but this also means, that we are more uncertain and keep on searching for some arguments which in case of a bad decision would turn into excuse.

Well what happens to me is the following: I have noticed that whenever I feel like I am in a dead end, a sign comes. At first maybe I dont't really see it, but then one step later it comes as a huge add board, blinking at me! And then all is really really simple! What I suggest is this: 

1) Trust your guts! Really, trust them! As Jobs said, "Intuition somehow always knows what you trully want!" So observe yourself, give yourself a little time and always try to feel the very first moment, when you are faced with a question or a decision. That very first second, because after that, your mind turns on and it's too late! Your ego will always find excuses why it's much nicer and easier to stay in your comfort zone and just don't move! And if you start living your life like this, you can't make a bad decision! No way! All my best decisions in my life were made like this and they brought me happiness and joy and new experiences and people! So go out there and TRUST YOURSELF!

2) Look for signs! Ask God/Universe/Angels for a sign and you will receive it in no time! Normally, it appears as a song with very straighforward lyrics, billboard in front of your eyes, quotation on web, random conversation which your hear on the bus...and you know what they say, coincidence is God's way for staying annonymous. And don't doubt! That's the most important thing you need to know..never doubt!

3) If really necessary, ask people you trust for an advice. But then again, it won't be them who will bear with consequences of the decision and will be you, so be careful.

And know that in the end everything is just the way it needs to be for us grow and all is okay! Just always and no matter what, trust yourself!

Change

Play this and read.

And I'm back. It's been exactly one calendar year that I was not blogging. And All is Okay. Well....All is okay, was and always will be, it just depends on how I see the lessons. Last winter was nice, sunny, not so cold. I skied a lot. Spring was time for my girls and some crazy adventures. In summer I started to discover myself. Fall brought shattered times and soul searching. 2014 was an interesting year. I danced a lot. I love to dance...a dance I wished for a long time happened. It was short but sweet. A travel year I wished and a travel year I receveid. Travelling around Europe and Asia. And most of all I received a long, difficult never-ending travel into the depths of my soul. Somewhere I never have been before, in the dark caves and light open sky, where the biggest demon and best friend was myself. Just me. Nobody hurt me, nobody wanted anything from me. Just me, myself and I. I think 2014 was the most important year of my life, actually. I finally adimitted to myself my flaws, my fears, my demons, my old loves, my new loves, my loved-ones, my wishes, my dreams. I had to. Universe said it's enough of hide and seak.

A lot of people do not know what has been hapenning to me. And they are no longer part of my life. A few knew exactly what went on and I hold to them dearly. For some I know they felt me and some still do. Some were just next to me. Understood my alone-times and were perfectly fine with it. Some wiped my tears and brought a smile to my face. I met exactly one new person who has had important influence on me. Somebody who caused rock'n'roll inside me again in no-time....not even again, but just caused it as it appears, I never knew rock'n'roll so far...and met me when I was at my lowest. In my far far lowest moments, when all I did was breath in, breath out. And somehow is still here. And knows me like we knew each other for 25 years.

It was a year of challanges on how to put theory into practice. A year of honest words, sincere laughing, tears....many strong, sticky, tears which come with shaking. Tears crying out my pain, broken heart(s), old feelings and especially fears. Tears which brought new teachers in my life for whome I am endleslly greatful and know, will not leave. One special person was my port in the wildest storm of life. Showed me it's okay to be weak. It's okay to shout and laugh and cry. And December was dedicated to him. He knows how it is. From our first 20min, he feels me and I feel him. And his Christmas present was one of the best gifts I received in my life.

Then there were tears which showed me, who trully understands, and sometimes just listens. Doesn't judge, doesn't preach and just is. Next to me. I know know which hug comforts me, which one is honest and which one fake. And then there were tears of laughing....of sincere honest crazy laughing.

A year of "a first"s. First time in new land. First psychoanalysis. First honest confrontation with the Father. First "go to hell". First masterclass. First angry shout. First connection. Firstl feelings of other. First time being a boss. First "I can't do this any longer". First time admitting I am simply different. First chapter of my book. First search for my own new flat. First taking of my own responsibilities. First not-blaming you. First honest conversations. A lot of significant firsts for 365 days.

I begin 2015 different. Still a bit scared, unsecure, in a need of love - pure, honest, love. The kind of love I can feel will do me good. The kind which isn't scared of new paths. The kind that doesn't demand anything in return. The kind that respcets me.

The change is the only constant and all is okay.
I just need to put this change into practice. And this is what 2015 will be about.