14 January 2018

What has changed?

Ending my last blog saying that my life is different, you are probably asking yourself, well how? What has changed? What has happened? And my answer to this would be nothing and everything. Everything came step by step, although I knew it, I felt it inside of me. So my first step was to take 5 days off and go on short holidays alone. Just me and it was in the midst of the mountains, where there is no telephone signal. In the evening, there are no lights, nothing. You hear all the animals there are in the forest. It was quite a test but I loved it. It gave me strength to show myself I can go somewhere alone without a problem. That I do not need a company of ten people, actually being alone in the nature is the best way to recover. And at the time I needed my personal soul recovery from the hospital. This was again something I needed to face alone as nobody can be me and live my life. The second thing which is a kind of an obvious one is that I completely changed my outfit style. I started with my underwear and shoes. Why underwear and shoes? Well think a little. Shoes are a symbol of how you walk through your life. How you move and step. Is it comfortable? Do you have a confident step or a shy one? Do you get any blisters? Which materials are shoes made from? Which colors? All these questions tell something about you and how you walk through your life. And then underwear. Something were intimate which is not to be shown to everybody. Something which defines how you feel even though it is not seen. Something soft and tender and something which shows how much do you appreciate yourself. Something which defines your attitude to intimacy. Do you care? How much do you care? And then came the jeans, shirts, sweaters, jumpers and in the end also coats. I have two new magical coats. Which change completely how I want to present myself to the world. How I choose the world to see me. So clothes are a symbolic transformation of me, coming from the inside and most definitely showing on the outside. The third thing was my job. I am still at the same company, yet it feels like I would start a new job. I have a new boss, new co-workers and a completely new content I'm working on. It's like my dreams came true. I am truly doing something which I believe in and is matched with my value system. It is something which can and I am sure will change the world we live in for the better and is at the same time helping to protect the nature. My new boss and all the people I work with help me, we work as a team. More experienced and higher level people help me to develop, to change how I think, how I approach topic and tasks. And I on the other hand, have complete freedom on how I will handle my responsibilities. The fourth change is that I no longer wait but and I go and do. I don't wish for somebody to come and something to happen. Life is too short not to live it to the fullest every minute, every day. So don't be afraid, go and do things alone and I promise you, that you actually never will be alone. Sit in your care and go for a trip. Treat yourself with a fancy lunch at a table for one. Go to the movies, concerts, theater. Nothing bad will happen, I promise you! The next very important thing which has changed is my relationship with my body. I cherish it more than anything. If it says to me it wants rest, I take over my sofa. I took up some new exercises, to make my body strong and fit, to have the stamina to enjoy life. Go on that short trek, ride horses, swim, do yoga. I found a massage studio close by where I live and once a month I'm there. I spoil by body as much as I can. It went through so much in the last decades, I hurt it not knowing by just holding in all the pain and fears and it is time I pamper it, as this is the only one I will have. The sixth thing on my list is more or less incomprehensible. It's the feeling inside of me, without chains and luggage. I can breathe, I say no without hesitation, I speak up when needed, I am no longer afraid to stand by myself, I don't care what other people say about me, I admitted to myself my pre-written scenarios of how I thought my life should be and threw them away, I choose with whom I spend my free time, I do things which make me happy. This changed the circle of people around me yet again. I have to be honest it's not the most easiest thing, but it was needed. I needed to make room for all the new adventures coming my way.
So yes, a lot has changed and I hope this post serves as something you can look forward to if you get up every time you stumble, if you continue to explore yourself, if you decide to get rid of fears and "should be-s" in your life. A new life awaits for you.

30 July 2017

Brave new world

I haven't been around much in the last months, but you have to forgive me, I was on an important mission, actually I still am. I wanted to go all the way. I felt life inside of me boiling, yet still there was something inside of me, which kept me from spreading my wings. So I decided to go deep down yet again, in the world which by now, is already familiar to be, somewhat known. A part of me, which I was avoiding for so long, yet it has such a profound effect on me I can no longer ignore. So yes, all in or nothing. To be honest, I thought I have already faced my inner fears in the past years, but as I was taught, the big ones were yet to come. So in a sense I was facing my demons,  the big two, for which I had no "solid proves", only emotional memory and my body, showing me, how strong impact they made on me. Yep, my body and I made a bond which I cherish more and more. I actually started to talk to it and loving it, like it deserves. It became my best friend, as it shows me, what's inside me way before I realise it. Or maybe even more important, even if I try to convince myself rationally on something, my body always shows me, what is the truth inside me. And just a note before I continue, I am fully aware of the fact, that some of you might consider me, well kind of crazy, but I don't quite care, it's just my story. And maybe some of you feel a little less crazy because of me.

The first fear was that of being left alone, being left behind, staying alone. Something which after quite some sessions of counselling and offering support to people around me, is deeply rooted in each and every one of us. With me, this was done on an especially twisted way, stemming from my first months of life, when I was left in a hospital as a baby. Hospitals back then weren't like today, when a parent is allowed to be with his child 24/7, but you had two visiting hours a day. Now, if you know a little bit of child psychology, you can imagine, that in the first year of life, a baby feels like it is one with his mother, hence when she is away, he literally feels like he is dying. Who will take care of him? Who fill feed him, protect him, love him, comfort him? Now, these were all the feelings boiling inside me and which I decided to let out to the Light. Now you are probably asking yourselves, how did I do this? I booked a flight to London. There is a confession I have to make here, I didn't go there alone. It would be too much for me. I went there with a person, who has been my port in the last years wildest storms. Somebody I trusted completely and could be with him just the way I am. Well, of course in the end I had to fight my deepest battles alone, Life somehow made it happen, that my emotional cocktail was there for me to consume in the moments, when I was walking London alone. And I knew this would happen, I felt it in my guts. And if there's a word to describe my 48 hrs there, it would be "hermetically closed". All the situations, starting from fully packed air plane, delays on the runway, hostel so small, that one can't even turn around etc were there to make me realize, I can no longer run away, but need to face myself, be with my most terrible inside feelings I could imagine. Just sit with them and let them be. Hug them and accept them. I made it, I went to hell and back, sweated through the nights, my body shaking, but I survived. And again travel is on my agenda.

And the second big thing was facing the hospital, basically for the exact same reason mentioned above. Add on top of this also my eternal fear of cancer, which was very profoundly transmitted from my grandmother to my mother and to me. Fear cancer! No other illness exists but this, you are threatened by it, because of XY reasons. Well no wonder, this one came up as well. Precancer cell change, urgent operation, 6 weeks of recovery. It took about a month from the fist tests to the operation. I barely recovered from the London "adventure", when I had to go through another storm. Funnily, what I dreamed the day before I got a letter I need to have a surgery, was that I was watching a large whale from a tiny wooden boat, when all of a sudden, the whale hit the boat with his head and I fell into the water. It was actually a pool and I was already reaching for the steps to climb out, when a monster pulled me back inside of something, which wasn't water anymore, as I couldn't move, it was too thick. And the last thing I remember, was that I decided to loose control and let it take me down to the ground. I knew in my dreams that loosing control over Life was one of my biggest lessons here. And for this one, I am eternally grateful, really. Not that I learned who loves me in my life and stands by me, even when I am plugged to all sort of monitors, or I cry 3 days in a row, for no reason I can elaborate right now, maybe just because this way my way of digesting hospital, but mostly because I had to learn to trust life and my god 100%. There was no other way of me going through what I went in this year. 99% of the people around me haven't understood what am I facing here, and even having the 1% around, in the darkest moments I was alone. I was alone,  walking into the surgery room, laying down on the table, naked, spreading my arms like Jesus and fearing to death, what if I don't wake up. I was alone walking up and down the aisle next to my recovery room, with all the bottles and fluids running in and out of my body. I was alone falling a sleep and waking up in the same moment when I fell asleep because of my fear of surrender. My prayers saved me. Simple as that. It was just me, naked and revealed to my last inch of inner being, and god. Us two, relating into a completely new story, where many things are no longer important.

So these two experiences gave me inner strength, which is still mixing inside me, which is why I don't have much to write about just now. In between shaking hands and dancing with the devil inside, I was celebrating life. Celebrating, laughing, crying from joy and happiness...just simply being what I have always striven to become. And to be honest, I never quite thought I will be able to be where I am and who I am just now. I became so much more. I think what I'm most proud of is my honesty. Not to have walls around me anymore. Not to have the need to be with someone, but to simply let people go. Not to have the fear of falling and making a mistake. To have the courage to speak from my heart. To have the power to choose the good over the bad and try to see a lesson in every situation I don't like. To try and see good in people, even though they hurt me - love disarms even the biggest enemy. To help people around me, by simply being sympathetic and a human being. Simply being me, sometimes happy, sometimes sad, sometimes crying and sometimes laughing, but in the end aren't we all the same? We all want the exact same things: to be loved and cherished, happy and healthy, despite the race, sex or social status. And in the end, what I feel like as the most important lesson in my first 30 years of life was to find faith. To truly feel the connection with somebody up there and trusting him/her completely. With my very last breath. In every situation possible. This is how I made it through all the hardship - with faith, and in my brave new world, I can not longer imagine living my life in any other way.

My brave new world is different. I am different. My life is different.

23 February 2017

My Teachers

School has always had a special place in my Life. I remember even when I was a little girl and there were summer vacations, starting June 25th, well on June 30th, I already had all the books and new pencils and pens and notebooks ready for a new school year, starting in September. And throughout the summer, I was showing the full set to every visitor, neighbor or a friend. I loved school, I still do and I always will. No wonder I have always been spending all my savings for extra education, course or a program, giving me new skills, new perception on life and world around me, and what's best - nobody could even take education away from me. I never gave anyone the right to tell me, what I think is wrong. It is what I think (or feel for that matters), and who are you, to tell me what is right and what is wrong. Always and I really mean always I had to come to a certain decision or opinion on my own. I never believed others, ever. Even if this means I had to stumble and fall, well then I stumbled and fell. Anyhow what I want to say is that school is my safe spot, it is one of the things I enjoy doing the most - learn. It is a place I always want to return to. Reading, studying, coloring the paragraphs in green and blue and pink, making notes, thinking, sharing, writing and lately also teaching. It could be that it runs in the family, since there are three teachers and one lecturer I am surrounded with.School gave me confidence to talk to anybody I meet in my life. I never felt I am less than anybody, because I could get a grip in every situation I found myself in, being a discussion with a priest on a philosophy of religion or a CEO on the latest stock markets change, well not to mention my beloved topics such as personal growth and Light spreading - here I am ruthless with values and integrity and willing to fight till the very end.

So, taking all this into consideration, you can imagine that also my perception of Teacher is rather profound. For me a teacher has always been somebody who earns by respect, has the sacred knowledge, which you can't find in books, gives me space and advice for me to take my own decisions and steps and surely and definitely doesn't think he/she is god, but has learned from Life's lessons. It is somebody with whom you feel safe and guarded in some way. It is somebody who has always provoked me and my mind, yet knows the boundaries. For me, having a degree doesn't make you a Teacher, but having the right attitude does. All my true teacher have always been in my life for a certain period of my Life, until they gave me what I needed to receive from them and learn from them, then I was left on my own until the very next challenge, which was too much for me alone.

My first and most important Teacher has of course been my family. My parents and my brother, my cousins, grandparents and then my friends. Yes, I call my friends my family as they really are my family. Anyhow, I could write one single blog post, a very long one indeed, just about them. But this is not, what I want to focus on today, so let me just say, that my family gave my values, self-esteem, confidence that I can make it, I can do it if only I wished for. It is both, what they have and haven't taught me, that actually gave me lessons and caused me to be where I am today. My parents gave me my freedom to travel and see the world, to go out and spread my wings, to choose on my own. I have never heard from them, you should do/go/make this and this. Never. I always heard from them, listen to yourself, it is your life and you will have to live with your decisions. Of course this was the most difficult I could hear from them, yet the most rewarding for bringing me to where I am today.

Then there were two Great ones until today. One came into my Life 5 and the other 3 years ago. It was during the most shattered times, and all in all how I met both, was one big coincidence- this is if you believe in them. The first one is almost 50 years older than I am, a very special somebody, sent from up above, there is no doubt in this. All the workshops and therapies I went through with him, well I felt peace, this inner content and gratitude. The way he says things, how he forms what he says is incredible. The biggest gift he gave to me, was my contact with my intuition, with my inner system of information. How to communicate with myself and how to  listen to myself. He taught me what is Light and what is Darkness and how to stay on the side of Light. He is one of a kind, and not just to me, but also to ten thousands he has helped so far. With him all the doubts are destroyed by the power of Great Love. So powerful yet so simple.

The second one, again, came to me, when I wasn't able to stand on my feet. The simplest way to tell what he caused in my life is to tell you a story. Once upon a time, there was ice everywhere. It was cold, grey, very windy and no light anywhere. Everywhere you could look was thick ice and in the midst of this ice a girl, naked and without clothes, was sitting and hugging her knees, shacking from cold. Didn't trust a single person in this world. And then a man came, dressed like a hiker and he sat next to her. He just sat there, then after some time gave her a warm blanket. And when he gained her trust, he gave her some chocolate and slowly helped her to get up on her feet. Then slowly the surroundings started to change. Ice started to melt, grass became green and flowers started to grow. Then the man took a few steps forward and patiently waited for the girl to follow. And so she walked behind him. They came to a huge hill which in one side dropped into cliffs and straight into the sea. It was so high that you couldn't hear the splash of the waves anymore. When the girl started to climb, she was already fully equipped with a backpack, walking poles and strong shoes. She looked the horizon and hear the words, that she will make it on her own, so she climbed up to the hill and watched a beautiful clear sunset over the sea... I believe that this story is self-evident and there's nothing more to add.

Maybe now, you're asking yourself how does a Teacher come into your life? Well with me it was in a way that I asked for it. I was silently praying for somebody to help me and the Universe was generous and send me two Teachers. There are many more of others, who are also giving me important lessons on a daily basis, in my daily life, but the true teachers come when you are faced with life challenges for which no book has ever been written. But the key answer is to just honestly ask for a Teacher and I don't see a reason, why one wouldn't appear in your life. And one more things, observe your life a little bit, maybe, just maybe, you yourself a Teacher to someone around you.

13 January 2017

A letter to myself

Dear me,

funny, but I knew that one day we will meet and I am grateful for this moment. For long 30 years we have been searching for each other which is why I am happy to have the privilege to write this letter to you, telling you how I feel and see ourselves. I bet you never thought you will be, where you are today! Your expectations took over your mind, not to mention that some years ago you didn't really know I exist. Well, you see, then our life happened and look at you today! I am so proud of you. You stand tall and are an independent young lady. I know, it's tough sometimes, when people try to shape you and put you in their way of living, but don't let them. Under no conditions, don't ever let somebody tell you who you should be and what's even worse, who they think it's acceptable for you to be. I told you many times, and I still have a feeling you're not fully trusting me, but people don't dare to live the life they have always dreamed of, it scares them. And then when they see you, how your fight for your dreams and yes, also struggle, they see a reflection on where they are in life. But this is their story you just keep on walking, you are on the right path. And no, you are not strange and thank god you are not normal and average! Maybe your life will not be as imagined and planned and it "should be", but this is just one life in the line of many more to come. So take it as an experience, possibility to grow, an adventure where day by day you are exploring the possibilities which were give to you.. Don't limit yourself by the expectations of others as this doesn't give you a room to grow. And I know, you know, you are not alone, and note that people will always come and go in your life. You said it your self that life is like a train, you have a destination, but then there are stops. Some will join you on your ride from the beginning till the end, and some will only be companions for a certain period. Not many can keep up your pace but this doesn't mean you should stop. No, no, take baby steps and you will be just fine. You know what makes me happy the most? To see that you are slowly learning about real you. What makes you happy and what doesn't and most of all that you are learning to let things go their own way in their own pace. I see know, that you no longer crave for people, things and events in you life, but just trust the process! I am guessing because we found each other. I promise I will do my best to always be with you, everywhere, all the time, but I am also asking you, not to forget about me. Even if it is going to look like there's no way out and during the rough times, I am with you. And especially, when things go well, keep me next to me. We are inseparable and only together we are whole. For the future I wish you to keep on trusting our heart, it really knows where it is taking you and life is on our side too. You can achieve many more so don't let anything stop you. You know you can give a lot to people around you, just be smart in sharing your inner wisdom and life energy as not everyone can understand you :-) yes, you are a little bit complex but this makes you unique and one of a kind. Whoever will be brave enough to see the real you, will not be disappointed by what you have to offer. Make sure you set boundaries in life but also learn even more to let your guards down, you will know when is the moment to do so. Keep on having faith into people and universal love, even if you will feel disappointed. Normally this will happen because you think people can see with their heart like you can. Here I have to disappoint you... it's just not given to everyone. You yourself know, that it was a long tough ride to come where you are today. This doesn't mean others around you are not capable of doing it, they just have their own pace and way of doing it. Again, just let it go. I am certain that your light will spread even more, but don't forget about the shadows. They are here and when giving them the chance, they will put you under their spell. When this happens, just go out to the nature, shadows hate nature because they fall apart there. I sincerely believe you are fully equipped to start the second 30 years completely differently, filled with empathy and understanding for others, heart full of love, fears surrounded by my love, our family and the ones who you will choose to be there.  Choose wisely. Don't compare yourself to others and try to loose those expectation you still have, life might surprise you, you know. And as for me, already now I am looking forward to receive your reply by watching you living your life to the fullest. You know you can.
                                                                                            Always yours, your Soul

2 January 2017

Past 366 days

Last day of year 2016 and just right now I'm suppose to be in a theater, watching the New Year's show and guess what, I walked away during it, because I couldn't cry in peace. And just now I have to cry. Nothing bad happened though, it's just that my soul needed this last cleaning of the year. At least for me it was an intense year. A year where I simply had enough. It was time to stop playing roles everywhere, be the good little girl in the last fields of life where I remained to follow. It was time to step up for myself and show I ain't that girl anymore, who just waits to be adored and gets a pet on the shoulder during every step she takes and be accepted by everyone and everywhere. I don't need it anymore. I found me and I have me and I am enough. I don't need somebody next to me to make me happy, but I am happy with that other somebody who is next to me.

2016 showed me another layer of my inner pain, where does it derive from and how deeps it really goes...it's so deep I don't and actually can't even remember, since I was too little. Where these deep feelings of loneliness and fear come from. But now I hold them dearly, because I am no longer afraid and I know that  all going to be a okay. I am not alone anymore. So this wound is in its healing process. Although I have been asking myself plenty of times, including now, how long will it take, I guess it has too. I still trust the process. Nothing happens without a purpose in our lives and so far Universe has known exactly where it's been taking me and why wouldn't it now, this very moment.

2016 showed me, again and again, who are the people who understand and accept me. Who really really understands me. I'm not sure I can explain it really. I know now, who are the people who don't pity me for what I am going through and who actually understand. Who share my values and believes and live it. Who know what integrity means. And this narrowed the circle of some of my dearest people to just a few. But during this time, Life brought me some nice surprises too. Some new people who made me think. And who I honestly like. And with whom I can walk in silence through forest of pine trees. And they just accept and don't judge.

2016 said enough of pretending. On all areas of Life, starting with professional one and continuing to others. I have had enough and said it loud and clear. Put my job at risk, had other offers and again I trusted the inner voice, although sometimes I don't quite know why. But I don't pretend. And I don't keep quiet anymore.

2016 was an intense year. A year for which my first thoughts will still be soul search, honesty, writing, searching, resting, digging. Happy moments and difficult moments. But all in all I followed my heart and this has never proved me wrong.

In 2016 I am leaving limits and limitations. I learned to only judge by deeds and not by words. And I will leave my reason behind, because there are moments, when it deceives me, just because I normally wish to believe that people think like me and wish the best to others...well sometimes they don't!

In 2017 I will no longer do the "I have to-s", but instead I will continue to listen to that secret voice inside even if others don't like it and even if it means I might disappoint some people. I will follow the sun and keep on climbing to my top. Eventually I will reach it, I am certain of that. I will keep on talking to interesting people who can teach me something and I will continue to help people around me, but not blindly, my energy is too precious to give it to people who are fed by it to apologize their deeds somehow.

In 2017 I will spend even more time with my family, my grandparents and parents. Only by getting to know them, I will fully understand where I derive from and who I am. I will loose all the excuses for not taking that hour of my time and cook some tea or coffee and chit chat about who they were when they were my age. I will spend even more time in nature, because nature knows best. It always seeks harmony and knows when it's time to rest and when it's time to bloom and grow.

In 2017 I will continue to write for you. Honest words, my own life experiences. Maybe a little bit more, hopefully not less, but I think you learned it by know, that I only write when I have something to say straight from my heart. I will also be up to date on daily short messages on FB Allisaokay page - it's the daily position which we need to change. To put the theory which we learn from books into practice. That for me is true personal growth and soul progress. Just by being very smart and writing without any true life experience for me is nonsense. Good marketing without any content - anybody can do this, but sharing honest words of pain and love and troubles and rewards, that's what I feel is important.

And I feel 2017 is going to be a good year. For all of us on the path of soul search.

22 October 2016

Almost at the top

It's been a while now, I know, but there were so many unfamiliar yet positive things happening inside and outside of me, that I just needed to take this break. My last blog, which is about missing parents although they were standing next to me, released a heavy burden and created me wings to fly. Even for this post, there's so many things I want to share with you, encourage you to keep on going, to observe yourself, yet I don't quite know how to start and what to write...

After my time off at the seaside in August, I came back changed. I've always known that seaside cleans soul, but this time it made a profound impact to me. I was there with my girls and we know how to listen to each other, challenge each other, yet leave ourselves alone. It was time of deep dives and chillaxed days under pine trees. For sure the most important thing in that week was that I surrendered. Such a simple and innocent thing, but I gave control to others. I didn't drive back home. I could, but I refused, I wanted that four hours that somebody else took control and I could relax. I left my tears to fall and wounds to open. All that heavy feelings when it was expected of me, I expected of me to be strong, to take care of everything and to solve everything. I couldn't do it anymore, it was too much. I was sick and tired of always holding everything together, leading, managing, healing. I felt the deep loneliness which was with me ever since I was a kid I think, the need for someone, just for once, to take care of schedules, to-do lists etc. And this simple thing, when a friend of mine drove back home, caused an explosion inside me. I was shaking with tears in the middle of a beautiful drive...

I'm not the same since then. Allowing this sort of deep loneliness come out, changed my need to be with someone. Don't get me wrong, I still wish for that to happen, but on a completely different terms and from different standing point. Before I was scared and wanted to be with some body in order not to be alone and not to feel scared. Now I feel like a tree, a pretty stable and old tree. A tree with rather deep roots which hold together its core even in storms. In self-reflection I have seen what all my men in life taught me. I've realized that every pain in relationships brought me one step closer to myself. With the help of the weekly talks I realized what each person is teaching me, which wounds are healing. And how do you really know you've changed for good? When the world around you is starting to change.

I said no to many things I believed even two months ago are my satisfaction. I met new people and old people who are renewed came back to my life. I set a price under which I'm not willing to go. I spend time alone and I love it. I cook and dance, differently. The mountain I've been climbing for the past four years, well I'm almost at the top. I always go alone. Just me and my backpack. Normally I get up early, to avoid people. I sweat and I cry and lately I enjoy. Legs hurt no more, my lungs are filled with love and freedom and interestingly enough, every time I go up there, I come back stronger. I don't pressure myself that much anymore but just let it be. Things changed at work also, but I don't really want to go into details, not yet.

One of the most important things which happened to me in the past months, is that past came to visit me. The past I thought will stay there, but literally people found me again. It's been four years since then and I was a bit scared of what I'll hear. But then again, even here I've changed. I don't care how the Past is and what's been going on. I know that my story is much different to the collective one the Past is living. I've decided for a different step, a step towards me. But I have to admit, hearing about the Past was difficult, painful. Filled with feelings of fault. But I also am strong enough to confront this front, although here it's not completely up to me, but up to the Past also. Regardless of the result, I am proud of myself. I know that 6 months ago I would react from that almost 30 years old wound, now I always do my best to react from love. Pure innocent love, because I believe it always comes back, in one shape or another.

I know that these months now, are an important transition period. A very specific transition period, where I'm letting things to go their own way and during which my roots will grow deeper and stronger. I learned not to compare and judge, but also to stand tall and feel proud of myself. I learned that each and every one of us only deserves the best. I learned that will not settle for less than I can give and will not care about what others think. There were many months lately when I felt I was judged by people around me for one reason or another. But none of them is me and never will be, so I think for the first time in my life I didn't care and I still don't. Having the power to look into our hearts for what we really want, not what we think we want, and stand behind the decision is for me one of the courageous things you can do in your life.

12 August 2016

Adult kid

Now this one is completely unexpected and it hit me one day before leaving on holidays with my girls. I haven't really craved for it you know and I can't really tell how it came, but surely it has been preparing for the past weeks. All I wanted was to be alone and I was perfectly fine with it! Finally, after basically a year, I was all alone and happy with myself, at peace...spent time in the forest, walking, running, cooking delicious dinners. And I couldn't speak. To nobody. It was time of silence. I needed this time to recover from, well from the crazy world and myself I guess. From all the earthquakes inside me which changed my surface, on the outside and on the inside. And then again I died a little. Well, a lot actually. I can't say I haven't seen it coming, it's been up in the air, I was just waiting for it to come - as this is how a storm of revelation comes in my Life. It's never easy and lately it's getting deeper and deeper and hence harder and harder, but that's personal growth.

So, to cut to the point. Again I am about to go away, on short holidays. Very nice holidays actually, with people I love and who know me deep down, yet I felt like my world is tearing apart. And this time I really let it feel, feel what's inside me and all I could feel was that I miss my parents dearly! I though I was being nuts seriously! Living on my own, paying bills, responsible serious job and then I miss my parents. And what's more, in the last weeks I was sick and tired of taking care of everything. You see, all my life I was treated older than I actually was. The reason behind is, because actually I kind of am not a very typical for my age, responsible but soon (looking back now) I though this is not just being expected of me, but am me. Well guess again! It's not that it's not me, it's just that underneath, there comes time, when I want to feel 5 again. But this time, without thinking of when the next fight of my parents will be and taking care of everything just that we'll all be okay. There is another thing about me, I'm very sensitive. The moment a vibration changes in a relationship I feel it. So it was really very hard for me to be there when my parents were in a fight. But I only know this now. And what also helped was being around my nephew. He's the little angel of the family and when seeing how my parents are great with him and how cool it is to be just around, when the little one is around. How I basically missed being a kid.

Anyhow, the turning point, connecting all these feelings, was minutes ago, when I described all this to my friends, thinking myself I really am crazy and she simply said: "You know, sometimes you fight so much being an adult. It's okay to miss parents". And it hit me. It hit me deep and I realized this theme in my life actually. Trying to be an adult. A lot. It's not that my family expected this of me, I put this role on myself. Always being the responsible, grown up me, having all figured out. And then take a look at me now. Going on holidays and the little me inside would just like to stay at parent's house and hang around.

So you know, maybe in the next weeks I'll be an adult kid. I'll be adult where I really just really have to be. But in other areas, I'll be the kid again. I'll let my dad drive me around, going shopping with my mum and will just hang around with my parents. Because I never allowed myself this ten to twenty years back and I luckily and hopefully have some time to catch up. Don't get me wrong, I'm not talking about putting the responsibility for decisions to my parents and not leaving the nest, not at all. I'm taking about admitting to myself, I don't always have to be the grown up 24/7, there will be plenty of years to come.

And again, I'm grateful for the pain of last days, solitude days which brought me back to me and especially the little Me, who needs a hug, some encouragement and just doesn't have to be all grown up all the time. I guess I just saved the kid inside - some innocence and this free little girl who believes in happy endings.