30 July 2017

Brave new world

I haven't been around much in the last months, but you have to forgive me, I was on an important mission, actually I still am. I wanted to go all the way. I felt life inside of me boiling, yet still there was something inside of me, which kept me from spreading my wings. So I decided to go deep down yet again, in the world which by now, is already familiar to be, somewhat known. A part of me, which I was avoiding for so long, yet it has such a profound effect on me I can no longer ignore. So yes, all in or nothing. To be honest, I thought I have already faced my inner fears in the past years, but as I was taught, the big ones were yet to come. So in a sense I was facing my demons,  the big two, for which I had no "solid proves", only emotional memory and my body, showing me, how strong impact they made on me. Yep, my body and I made a bond which I cherish more and more. I actually started to talk to it and loving it, like it deserves. It became my best friend, as it shows me, what's inside me way before I realise it. Or maybe even more important, even if I try to convince myself rationally on something, my body always shows me, what is the truth inside me. And just a note before I continue, I am fully aware of the fact, that some of you might consider me, well kind of crazy, but I don't quite care, it's just my story. And maybe some of you feel a little less crazy because of me.

The first fear was that of being left alone, being left behind, staying alone. Something which after quite some sessions of counselling and offering support to people around me, is deeply rooted in each and every one of us. With me, this was done on an especially twisted way, stemming from my first months of life, when I was left in a hospital as a baby. Hospitals back then weren't like today, when a parent is allowed to be with his child 24/7, but you had two visiting hours a day. Now, if you know a little bit of child psychology, you can imagine, that in the first year of life, a baby feels like it is one with his mother, hence when she is away, he literally feels like he is dying. Who will take care of him? Who fill feed him, protect him, love him, comfort him? Now, these were all the feelings boiling inside me and which I decided to let out to the Light. Now you are probably asking yourselves, how did I do this? I booked a flight to London. There is a confession I have to make here, I didn't go there alone. It would be too much for me. I went there with a person, who has been my port in the last years wildest storms. Somebody I trusted completely and could be with him just the way I am. Well, of course in the end I had to fight my deepest battles alone, Life somehow made it happen, that my emotional cocktail was there for me to consume in the moments, when I was walking London alone. And I knew this would happen, I felt it in my guts. And if there's a word to describe my 48 hrs there, it would be "hermetically closed". All the situations, starting from fully packed air plane, delays on the runway, hostel so small, that one can't even turn around etc were there to make me realize, I can no longer run away, but need to face myself, be with my most terrible inside feelings I could imagine. Just sit with them and let them be. Hug them and accept them. I made it, I went to hell and back, sweated through the nights, my body shaking, but I survived. And again travel is on my agenda.

And the second big thing was facing the hospital, basically for the exact same reason mentioned above. Add on top of this also my eternal fear of cancer, which was very profoundly transmitted from my grandmother to my mother and to me. Fear cancer! No other illness exists but this, you are threatened by it, because of XY reasons. Well no wonder, this one came up as well. Precancer cell change, urgent operation, 6 weeks of recovery. It took about a month from the fist tests to the operation. I barely recovered from the London "adventure", when I had to go through another storm. Funnily, what I dreamed the day before I got a letter I need to have a surgery, was that I was watching a large whale from a tiny wooden boat, when all of a sudden, the whale hit the boat with his head and I fell into the water. It was actually a pool and I was already reaching for the steps to climb out, when a monster pulled me back inside of something, which wasn't water anymore, as I couldn't move, it was too thick. And the last thing I remember, was that I decided to loose control and let it take me down to the ground. I knew in my dreams that loosing control over Life was one of my biggest lessons here. And for this one, I am eternally grateful, really. Not that I learned who loves me in my life and stands by me, even when I am plugged to all sort of monitors, or I cry 3 days in a row, for no reason I can elaborate right now, maybe just because this way my way of digesting hospital, but mostly because I had to learn to trust life and my god 100%. There was no other way of me going through what I went in this year. 99% of the people around me haven't understood what am I facing here, and even having the 1% around, in the darkest moments I was alone. I was alone,  walking into the surgery room, laying down on the table, naked, spreading my arms like Jesus and fearing to death, what if I don't wake up. I was alone walking up and down the aisle next to my recovery room, with all the bottles and fluids running in and out of my body. I was alone falling a sleep and waking up in the same moment when I fell asleep because of my fear of surrender. My prayers saved me. Simple as that. It was just me, naked and revealed to my last inch of inner being, and god. Us two, relating into a completely new story, where many things are no longer important.

So these two experiences gave me inner strength, which is still mixing inside me, which is why I don't have much to write about just now. In between shaking hands and dancing with the devil inside, I was celebrating life. Celebrating, laughing, crying from joy and happiness...just simply being what I have always striven to become. And to be honest, I never quite thought I will be able to be where I am and who I am just now. I became so much more. I think what I'm most proud of is my honesty. Not to have walls around me anymore. Not to have the need to be with someone, but to simply let people go. Not to have the fear of falling and making a mistake. To have the courage to speak from my heart. To have the power to choose the good over the bad and try to see a lesson in every situation I don't like. To try and see good in people, even though they hurt me - love disarms even the biggest enemy. To help people around me, by simply being sympathetic and a human being. Simply being me, sometimes happy, sometimes sad, sometimes crying and sometimes laughing, but in the end aren't we all the same? We all want the exact same things: to be loved and cherished, happy and healthy, despite the race, sex or social status. And in the end, what I feel like as the most important lesson in my first 30 years of life was to find faith. To truly feel the connection with somebody up there and trusting him/her completely. With my very last breath. In every situation possible. This is how I made it through all the hardship - with faith, and in my brave new world, I can not longer imagine living my life in any other way.

My brave new world is different. I am different. My life is different.