27 September 2015

When my strongest enemy is myself

I'm not sure if it's the eclipse happening tomorrow, my PMS mood swings, Pluto/Saturn tranzits messing with me, or just continuation of my soul searching, but for sure, a new chapter is opening just now and I can feel it it's gonna be fun fun fun. If until now I have been cleaning out emotions, patterns and healing old wounds on the account of facing the realtionships around me, now my job is to face myself...really myself. Possibly even hardest job than then ones I was faced with until now. And why do I believe this might be true? Cause for the past week in my dreams I was carrying out dead bodies, searching for deadly bacteria and viruses in basments and confronting some large, loud and stinky beastes - one on one, me and them, shouting and being angry - Them of me and I of them, seriously angry. And scared.

What I relized in the past days or maybe weeks was, that I have never been soft to myself. It probably goes in line with my discovery, that I always had to be serious and strong and people expected this of me. Well them and I expected this of myself. I never cut myself any slack in any aspect of life and my hardest and toughest judge is myself. Me versus myself. It is I who always wants to be 100%, top grades, best, quickest, smartest, strongest, always on top, leading...it is I who has the highest possible standards of everything towards myself. It's me who doesn't let myself to fail, well it slowly does now and that's why all the beasts. Wanting to change this, to be soft and gentle and to stop constantly demanding something from myself, brings out a massive defence line of my subconsciousness. And what's the biggest paradox here - I have a defence line in front of myself!

What I would like to do now, is to face this new challanging chapter slightly different. I will try or at leat have no intention to constantly fight all the emotions, but to let them be. I'll try to say "hello there, please come in" to them and embrace them. See what do they have to tell me, even if this means that my body will be shaking and vibrating. I feel that much of myself, to know, that all is going to be okay. I know I'll have many moments when again I'll die a little (or even a lot), I know I'll be fighting my beasts on the highway or climbing up this hill I'm looking in front of me. But most of all I'll be patient to myself, I'll give myself as much love and understanding I possibly can. I'll speak my emotions and feelings out loud and won't keep them in as I have in the past. What I need to do know is to accept myself, to again admit myself who am I and what's down there in the basmenet, next to all the bodies. To have trust in myself and know that this is just another phase of cleaning my soul. I finally understand and know what the following proverb is all about:



18 September 2015

When I die a little

You see, after this peaceful nirvana in my life for some weeks, I think I opened another chapter of my soul searching and stepped on a path of finding the woman within. Too many every-day situations happened, when all I kept hearing was that Im very straighforward and direct and not soft or tender. That I clearly say what I think and do the same thing. Tha I have a lot of masculine energy and when do I have time to calm down......

All this made me think....really think and mostly feel. I started to feel what I feel about all this. And after some evening when tears poured down my cheeks and I was holding on to my blanket, I came to somestrong conclusions in my life. The kind which brought heavy dreams of me climbing up mountains again in my life and waking up in the middle of the night sweating like I ran a marathon. And even now there's so many things I want to share with you, but have no idea how to start....maybe with my title.

So, sometimes I die a little. There are moments when I can't take it no more, when there's too much stuff going on around me, too many projects, coordination, too much help given, too many energy shared to people around me, too much questions, not enough hours in a day.... When people keep on demand something from me and when all I do is give give give and nobody asks me, hey you, how can I help you today? Are you ok? Are you going to make it? Cause you know, it's okay also not to always make it! And then, when I admit to myself I won't make it, it's too much, everybody always say, heeey, you're super-you, if somebody, then you can make it! Or sth like: I have no doooubt and am not worried a single second! Well you know what you smart people around me, I'm worried!!! I'm worried I'm going to turn into this working machine and forget about myself. My soft inside, which even now is hidden somewhere deep down and even I have to have a long deep look to find it. And when I do find it, I hold like like the most fragile glass in the whole wide world, cause people still keep on demand something from me and the world just is as it is. And then I die a little.

When there's too much of everything I die a little. This means I first start to feel heavy weight around my heart....I stop talking and move away from crowds and people. I have my alone times, maybe I even run away a little bit, but when I feel like that I don't want to be in a way...my heart beat rises then and in the past I got scared and bascially experienced some hard core anxiety, now I know they're just feelings knocking on my heart, wanting to go out. Then my legs start to shake and I need to move it. I rarely can sit still....and then I fight with myself for some time - timeline depends on where I am and specially who I'm with...and then I try to describe my feelings with words and when this happens, I start crying. I cry out my pain and emotions, cause so far, this is the only way I know. For a long time I didn't cry at all...I think I started to cry maybe some three years ago..before I was a rock. Cause you know, if anyone, then I'm "allmighty and can do anything"...people expected this of me and I didn't want to let them down so I sucked it up and it passed. That was before 2014 and old me.

It hasn't happened to me in a while now, but last Saturday, on a perfect sunny day in the midst of mountains with two very special people around me, I died a little. Strong tough me, broke down. I was walking up hill when I finally admitted to myself one of my biggest fears. That for the rest of my life, I won't have the chance to be soft, that I won't have opportunity to be gentle me, cause you see, I need to feel safe that this comes out. And just now I can do this when I'm alone and for the last year one very very special friend is allowed in my world, when I crash and can't take it no more. And I have had two experiences now, when two other people were there when this happpend. They both know me really well and I have shared many of my intimate stories to them. And guess what I felt - shame. I was ashamed of myself, crying and thinking I can't take it anymore and that probably these special people around me will think...well what would they think I have no idea, but in my head, this just wasn't allowed. To cry and admit I'm weak is not on my map...wasn't, I'm drawing it on my map just now, writing this, admitting again...and again and again. And this made me observe myself even more....

Of course Universe wouldn't be my sacred friend if it wouldn't bring me the week I have had. When many of brave strong women and excellent friends I have in my life, died a littel die too. Broke down crying, that it's too much and can't fake it anymore. Can't keep up with the look that they're these strong tough women who have everything under contral and can handle it all, cause guess what - we can't and what's more importan we can't when we feel alone or are alone or don't have right people around us - and we can have excellent girl friends and they know how we feel, know what to say, but all we crave for is strong man's hug and simple words: It's all going to be okay! Yep, honest confession, we need somebody. We're also just simple souls, who can take up any challange, but need to hear these few words, need to know where our safe spot is and which hands can wipe away this heavy tears. What I wanted to tell is, that I really hope that people will stop asking of women to be tough and strong and brave and can do just about anything. Don't get me wrong here, I still think we can do things we have never imagined, but not alone and under all circumstances, because we lost ourselves. Every woman I talked to lately, gave the same exact answer what do they miss and don't get: hug, compassion and words it's all going to be OK and all that while feeling safe.

I'm not sure what I'd write for the end....maybe the fact that this world really is crazy, cause we lost ourselves in men's world. But then again luckily we're on the path of finding ourselves again. We just need some encouragement and feeling of security. And we need to be kept in hug even if at the beginning it seems we're refusing it. Try holding us and don't let us go for 30s...count it and then tell me what happens. And we need time and honest words, safe spot to share our emotions. And yes, we need to know we can die a little, cause then, knowing all this, we'll let down our guards too.

So on Saturday, I died a litlle. And I still feel exposed and confused....kind of naked actually. Cause there's someone new who got an insight into broken me...and I don't like to be broken and to see broken myself, what even for this somebody to see me like this...And I'm still thinking where's this line between cheeky, flirty and energetic me, who wants to do everything and try everything and do everything and me, being the same me, but because that's my shield, my protection in front of the crazy world we live in and who scares people around and then this 3rd version of me, this soft, scared and gentle me, who only comes out when she feels safe and cherished and undestood and accepted...can she be around more often? Can she be around also in the Office, when this 4th version of me comes out? All I know is, that I'll try to die a little some more, cause this will mean I'm more in contact with my emotions and my inner me...and then after some time, maybe I won't need to die a little, but have a nap instead...

7 September 2015

Expectations


There are two major topics just now in my life that I'm dealing with, one is feeling and going with the flow and the second one are expectations. I think that a vast majority of conflicts in our lives we have is simply just becuase of expectations, the ones we have towards each other and towards ourselves. Shakespear put it nicely: "Expectation is the root of all heartache."

I remember exactly how this challange as my friend would say, came into my life. I was in my flat, having lunch with my somebody (if you don't know who somebody is, check my past blog ;)). And I was complaining over a certain situation with some people, how they don't understand, how they want me to act a certain way and do something I currently really don't feel and can't do, when all of a sudden it dawned on me, I'm completely the same. I have and have had many (way too many looking back now) expectations which only brought me pain. Actually they were wishes I pictured in my head for which I craved they would come true and by pushing them so far and so much, I more or less lost it all. Wishes turned into expectations which never were realised and only caused me pain, I then put it out on others and all I was left with, was regret and "what if-s".

I know now that expectations are all around us. Your boss has expectations of how you'll work and you have expectations of how things will be done. We have expectations of how food will taste and how advertised perfume will smell. We even have expectations of how the weather will be like, when they say it's gonna be sunny and warm tomorrow. But we never go so far to ask ourselves what is warm for me, is not necessarily warm for you. What I expect to happen and wish for, is most likely not something you wish for too. What I want to do on vacations is not how you picture you'll wander around this beautiful world of ours. We are surronded with expectations 24/7. Just be aware of all the commercials you see, all the adds you're surronded with, all the advices you read and "must-dos" you see on social media. All the signals of pressure we keep on receiving on a very subconsious and unaware way. It happens constantly! Expectations of how we need to look like, what to do to be happy, what a "percet" realationship is, even what a proper life these days looks like. Well you know what, stop watching TV, buying magazines and look straight when driving on the highway!

And now the big questions, what to do? How not to expect anything ever again?

Well let's be honest, unless we're Buddha or Jezus, I highly doubt we'll be able to live life completely withouth expectations, but we can try. I'm sure you know your inside and how it feels, when you have expectations. What I do is try to be in the moment. Try not to wish for to much or actually do wish for it but then wait for the cosmic kitchen to cook it and bring it to me. Or at least when I am disappointed over something or somebody, I ask myself why: is it becuase I pictured something in my head and this person didn't do/say/feel/react the way I pictured it's going to be or do I really have ground to be mad at somebody or something. I think you can imagine what the most common answer to this questions would be.

So as of today, I'll try even more not to expect, not to have any script written down in this head of mine, cause commonly I'd be just disappointed and I think that life in the end still is way too beautiful to treat it this way. And I'm also sure, well actually this was proved for several times in my life already, that if I trully really want something, it'll come to me, when i'll least expect it and in a form I never thought it could be materialised - and by this I think even more beautiful.

And yes, I'm sure if we'd all have one expectiation less per day in our life, doesn't matter about what, the world would be a much happier place to live in and what's more, we, each and every one of us, would be a much nicer and happier person. And don't you wanna be happy?