Life and the Game

 

Now, when Im starting to write this post, I don't really know what I want to say, what the message of this blog will be, but I felt I need to write it, so I'll just follow the flow of writing. Right now I'm reading a book I randomly picked in the library. This is how I choose books. I don't have a reading list, I just love libraries and book shops and when I go through, touching books, opening them, checking pages, cover, I pick random ones. And reading for sure is something I can't live without. It's a world that pulls me away from reality when I need an escape, or a source of new knowledge, comfort, shelter, a place where sometimes I can live the life I'd wish to happen in reality. It's with travel books that I've experienced some of the best moments of my life, cured my soul when reading some others.....My flat is full of shelves having pretty much nothing on but books. Travel books, cooking books, novels, exercise books, soul searching, philosophy, soap operas, poems....I love poems lately, more and more actually. All the emotions poems can express...Im just speechless.

Anyway, my point is to share with you, that just now I'm reading a book I randomly chose. It's Title is "Me Before You". It's a story about a young man, my age, full of life, "joie de vivre". Until one common day, he gets hit by a motorbike and becomes a tetraplegic. Stuck on a wheelchair with no possibility to move legs or hands. Meaning he can't live without a 24-hr care of somebody...helping him to eat, drink, go to toilet, dress, undress, give pills to reduce undescribed pain. So basically, what I asked myself is, what if tomorrow, I become him? What if tomorrow I wouldn't be able to do thing which I take for gratend. Living on my own, cooking Turkish coffee twice a day, yoga on my old rather used a bit smelly orange mat, walks in my forest to my magic oak tree, cooking for my friends, holding a glass of wine I love. Not being able to feel anything on my body, from chest down. The hell, no more pain of the Brazilian wax, aching feet from a night, danced away, no more shiver when somebody kisses my belly. Not being able to strech in the bed in the morning, taking a hike to my favourite top, diving in the ocean and let the waves carrying me. Not feeling goose bumps when I like some one or something. I wouldn't be able to ride horses or carry around my nephew.

And then my next question is, what kind of a life do I live now? What are the things I don't do, cause I'm afraid I won't look good in the eyes of others, or maybe look ridiculous while I stroll around in my dad's old jeans, torn t-shirt and messy curls of mine. Why the hell would I even be in any relationship, where I don't feel loved and cherished. Why waisting a minute of watching TV, when I can be reading about something possibly chaning the current of my life. Why not trying to enroll into every crazy stupid classes I ever wanted. But this means no more excuses of having no time, or energy. No more wondering what somebody else might say, think or do. It means we need to discover what do we want from life, what makes us happy, what causes our heart to jump up and down from happines. It also means we need to sit down with ourselves to have a talk, whether the life we live, is something we really like? Do we really want to head into the direction we are heading? I'm not saying, you're not. I'm just suggestion you check your coordinates.

And the what also pops into my mind is, the conversation I had the other day with a rather good friend. He took me out for a dinner and we were chatting about random things, when all of a suddon, he starts explaining how I lost touch with reality, If i really think, I can do things in life, which make me happy. How I need to "play the game". Yes, this was something which really was interesting for me to listen. So, here it goes. Aparently I'm the looser in all relationships I have in my life in advance, being work, romantic, friendly etc, because I don't play the game. Because I don't bargain and blackmail when it comes to geting a raise, or becuase I dont play "hard to get" with men, or because I dont do roles in friendship. And it went on, I live in an illusion, believing I can make a difference and thinking life can be something more than just "time we need to pass by". You know what, screw you! This is your reality and your pathetic small town life, please be "real", cause me, I'll chase my dreams till the day I die! And who are you to say to me, or speaking of which, who ever from us to tell others, how to live their life? How do we know, what all have they been through, but maybe we just don't know all their life details (yet)? How can we even think to know what's best for others and how we know what's the trick behind it?

I admit, I tried to play the game, but seemed more and more stupid to myself every day! Why on Earth would I want to play the game with life and God and think I'll beat it?! Who am I to play on people's emotions? And you know what? Where I am today, is a result of being honest and NOT playing the game. All the promotions in any part of my current or past careers, came because of hard work, dedication and honesty. All the beautiful relationships I've been in, were never based on faking, playing games or trying to be/do/ something I'm not. And I have never ever regretted any single thing I've done or said. You can say I'm naive, but since when is honest prohibited by law? You can say, I'm a dreamer, but then who's made any changes in the past: the ones who conform or the ones who follow their dreams? And what is even more, I feel a bit sorry for this person. Cause I know he'll never use his ful potential, I hope he'll love and be loved as he wishes for.

I really believe that all this again comes from our fears to really live our life. That playing "the game" is just a framework where we think we can control the situation but in reality and from Life's perspective we look stupid. Sorry, to say so, but we really do. And it also means, we don't trust life to take care of us. And especially bacause I went through, what I went through in the last few years, I hope through the life I will be able NOT to ever ever play the game. Even if this means I live in illusions and am a looser in advance. But guess what, if I ever am a tetraplegic, I never ever want to wonder "what if"...Screw everything, I just want to live my life and have no regrets!

The battle of the Heart and the Head

It's been exactly a week ago, when I spent two days with very special people in my life. People I actually don't know for a very long time, yet they always make me laugh, I guess they accept the whole package of me and my "never ending stories of energies and faith etc etc", I trust them, I think I can easily say completely trust them. I knew something like this would happen, even before we met...I felt it that day and just wanted to see how deep our talks will go. Three guys, two girls. And sometime between 10pm and 2am, a very important debate start. One about the battle of our heart and head, soul and mind. a very very important debate and since I keep on hearing sentences that one can't tell what's the voice of the heart and the one of head, and more importantly which one to trust, I decided I really need to write about this, about what I reckon as the most important guidance in our life. For me, knowing the difference and following my heart and intuition is like a lighthouse in the darkest storm. For me, this is not just philosophy or theory, but way of living. One that makes me strange in other people's eyes, one that scares people around me easily, but I don't think I'll even give it up. Why? Because it calms me, it makes me feel secure, I don't have second doubts, I dont questions my life moves, deeds, words...I rarely have "what if" moments. So here it goes.

The voice of the head always has scenarios. If I do this (let's name it X), then what can happen are opetions A, B and C. The story goes on, by us thinking that option A for sure if correct, cause this is the advice I got from very "wise" people, it needs to work! But then, option B, is what is actually expected from me, what I think I need to do! After all, I read about this, this how I was raised and this is what one needs to do, period, no questions asked. But then again, this option C would give me stability/is simple/the easiest was for sure etc etc. Head always takes other people's opinion into the story, it's never just about you, but more importantly, how you are going to look on the out side. How are you going to argument your decisions. The voice of the head is never quiet. It keeps on talking and talking and talking and for head it's never easy! How?!?!?! Good things are never easy, because this is just not how it's suppose to be. Good things in life are surely complicated and need at least ten people to solve them. Head will never bring you peaceful sleeping, but will cause waking up in the middle of the night asking and wondering the same thing over and over again...questions like "Am I doing this right?" are constantly by your side. Head gives you restnessless, doubts, stomach ache, you stop trusting yourself. Head follows the crowd, because that means safety and acceptance. Head is afraid of changes, of doing something differently and needs to have argumentation. Argumentation is key for head. Everything needs to be reasoned and supported by arguments. And what Head also very afraid of is failure. What if I don't make it...what then? It's best I don't even try! Really? Are you really sure about it?

But then there's heart. Heart is light and fluffy. You feel it where it is, your heart. Heart always always knows the answer even before heads starts to think, it gives you answer even before you actually comprehend it in your mind. The moment a questions pops up in your head, heart already has the asnwer. Heart doesnt need approval of others, or following everyone around. Normally it even deviates from this, because heart always knows what's best for you. Heart makes you feel happy and full of energy, you smile when you think of what heart wants. And the decision is instinctive. It fast and strong. It doesnt need 10 hours of conversation with 10 different people to figure it out. Heart knows. And note this, if you wonder about something over and over again, this is not heart's decision, this is mind playing tricks on you. Heart jumps in, because sometimes you need to jump and see what happens. Following your heart means you always give yourself out there and see what happens. Sometimes it can hurt, but it's never as bad as when following your head. And you never ever wonder what if...and wondering "what if" for the rest of your life is slow painful torture. What if I asked her out? What if I stayed? What if I told him he means the world to me? What if I quit my job and start my own business? What if I went out on my own tonight? What if I booked tickets to Australia? What if once for a change I would speak my heart out? Heart doesnt do that. If you feel it, you don't need arguments, you don't need to explain it to nobody why you decided like you have....it's just becuase you felt it, felt it close to your heart. Not in your stomach, but near heart, and the feeling is warm, it tickles a bit, gives you goose bumps. And your body can shiver a bit, but shiver in a good way, not like you're going to throw up. When people say, they've done something instinctive or following their guts, well that's heart talking. If you ignore your heart for too long, you get sick. At first it's just a cold, telling you, stop, take a break, see what's going on around you, but then it can grow into something more serious.

So now, we know in theory, what the head says and what the heart. And then the big question, which is the great mistery to 99% of people, how do you separate between the two? What's heart talking and what the head? How do I know which of them is telling me what. One of the greatest advices I ever received at a leadership seminar and which explains very simpl, how you need to decide (especially the big decisions in life) is like being a kid again. All you need is a coin. One side of the coin, says yes I'll do X and the other side of the coin, says no, I won't do X. Now sit down, take a deep breath and think of one thing you don't know what you want to do and you can't decide. Choose which side of the coin is yes and which side of the coin is no. Now throw the coin, but before you do so, be aware of your emotions. Be aware of your inside....just be aware of it, of your stomach and your heart, of your muscles. Now throw the coin and the very split of second when you see the result, be aware of what you felt....before your head plugs in...waaaay before. Do you want to throw that coin again, to get the decision you really want? Or are you reeeally happy, that you got the rights side of the coin? Now feel (don't think, I repeat, don't think) of what went on inside you...this feeling around your heart, saying yeeees, it's just what I wanted and you head hasn't started to doubt this. Or is it this painful feeling in your stomach, saying, uuuuugh I didn't really want to get this. So this is it...this is the first step taking you to what heart feels like and what head. The same thing is when we were kids and took a daisy and went "he loves me, he loves me not" or "she loves me, she loves me not", and in the end you knew exactly whether you liked the end or not. So you see, these emotiones haven't changes. You still have them inside you, you just don't wanna hear them. And you can, it's in it.

This very special sound of heart or intuition is what makes us special and different from other species in this free world. That's why we have a thing called free will and that's also why we are, where we are, faced each and every one with our own lessons. To start listening to ourselves and our heart. Hear is never wrong, how can it be, if it's connected to our soul and something greater. Now, I know you're asking yourself, uuu what does she know, there's no real argument that following the hear is what is right. And my answer to this would be, do an experiment. Do things one month by following your head and then do things for one month, by listening your heart and you tell me, what has made you happy? And more importantly, where has life brought you? And I have to warn you, it might be tough at the beginning, head (ego) doesn't like to be moved from its throne, some people might not like you anymore, because you won't follow then like a heard of sheep, some people can even leave your life, but looking from a distance, you will finally become free. You will finally start listening to yourself and step on the path of your real life. And what I also want to point out here is, the more suppressed feelings you have, the more difficult will it be to start hearing your heart. And at the beginning you will often have bad conscience about doing  what you're doing, becuase this is not, how you've been taught. But trust me, eventually when you'll learn to listen to your heart, you would just die, if you'd follow any other path. And you will be happy, trully happy. Not just on the outside.

Another question a dear friend, who's started to question his life path, decisions, point where he's at, at the moment, has also asked me is, how do I know I haven't done everything in my life, because I was told so or because it was expected of  me? And the answer is quite simple. Do you know, how you feel, when you were a kid and they made you eat broccoli or salad which you hated? Yes? I'm sure you know :). My question to you now is, when you have made decisions in life, did you ever felt like that? If you have, then some of them might have been wrong, if you haven't you're just where you need to be. And it's only up to you, how you're going to live for the rest of your life. I really have no slightest doubt, that we all know when we do something wrong and how we feel at that very moment. And this should be your starting point. Build it from there. Take baby steps and be aware of your feelings and inside every day when you take decisions even like choosing which cheese to buy at a supermarket, becacuse this is a great exercise for the big thing. And with the big thing, always always remember the very first feeling you got, when you hear a certain (commonly) a questions. Before you start questioning a million thing. The feeling, if you had to decide in half a second. That's your heart. And that's what you need to follow.