1 year

It's been a year on top of 5 previous ones. Exactly 1+5special years since.....hmm since what? I'm looking for a word to describe what started a year ago. I think  personal mystical experience would be the proper word. Indian philosophy puts it nicely when they say that such experience is the core of the inner self and development as contradiction to the Western mind. So yes, I believe especially this last 12 months were all about personal mystical experience. The kind when you regularly ask yourself about your sanity. And so today, I'm sitting in my rented flat which I really do love, just now listening to Rolling Stones on my fav radio station, sipping coffee, eating warm croissants with apricot jam and thinking to myself, what has changed? What new is there inside me? Have I really changed something? Myself?

Well I can't not-see the obvious. I live alone and on my own. Completely and 100%. Something I have wished for, for a veeeery long time. After thinking of buying a flat, I dismissed my ego as my servant and promoted intuition as my special advisor. And it's my special sanctuary, my sacred space, my secure safe spot, my second yoga studio and cooking laboratory. It might not have the perfect colour scheme or the size of kitchen, but it's a place where I can find my peace and decide who will come for a visit and who won't. And living alone came with this special sense of responsibility, self-responsibility. When all of a suddent it's perfectly clear that I am responsible for my own actions, feelings and most of all attitude. It's up to me how my day will look like, if I'll be cranky or not, if smell of morning coffee will bring a smile on my face, if I'll cherish every day like it's the last one. And this at first was a rather shoking realisation, yet a necessary one. So yes, all this is completely new.

I stopped wearing dark blue. I just realised this. I can't see it anymore! It's been with me for three years I think now. Black is back and colours are here too. Gold has a special place in my wardrobe. Brown took over on the casual-level.

I started to feel and no longer run away from emotions. Yep, feelings wanted to introduce themselves in the 5y but as I wouldn't let them, they all came out in the +1 period. Heavily. And it was, still is, relieving. Feels great to allow myself to have a great cry and then also a great laugh. And I started to tell people around me what I feel and show this. I guess it might be intimidating, but I can't change how I feel and what I feel. A very sad event in my life showed me, dare to always show how you feel, cause you never know if you'll still be here tomorrow or if the other person will be. Life is too short to waste it for not trying or knowing. This is the greatest courage one can show, to give yourself out there. To show emotions, to say I care for you or I love you. To have the courage to be hurt, but knowing that one day, by doing so, you'll twist your and somebody elses world upside down. So yes, I dare.

Showing myself "I can". I'd say this is the most powerful part of my transformation. I can: be strong, be weak, cry, feel vulnerable, stop being tough on myself, choose people around me, teach yoga, face my fears, admit myself I need help, be completely honest, die a little in the middle of the day, say to people I love them, show affection....many many I can-s which I never dared to show in the past.

I became deeply religous. Religious without an institution or praying scheme or rituals. Just me and awarness that I am not alone.

I dare to say no. Loudly, clearly, to whoever or whatever I don't feel right about.

I have learned as much as I can about family patterns. Decided to keep the rare ones I like and threw away the others.

I am still realizing who are people who cherish me, respect me, love me for who I am in my full-crazy-package. Many many are no longer part of my life. Were great companions, but our paths parted. And new people came into my life, new teachers, new friends. I stick to a few dear ones.

I grew strong. Physically, psychologically and emotionally. I hope I have. I still get scared. And I still sometimes look for a saviour and in the end, each and every time come to a conclusion I need to save myself. I learn to love myself and put myself to first spot, before everybody else. If I loose myself, I loose everything.

Hmmmm this is what crosses my morning mind just now. I guess things have changed. The way I feel, react, think, do, express transformed. I wouldn't use the word changed, it just transformed. I'm still the same me, who'd do 100 things at the same time, who has dreams of living happily ever and after, who wants to travel the world, who believes in good in people, who wants to help people around, who loves animals, who feels enormously and who is completely and utterly straighforward with words and emotions.

Feelings

Last weeks made me think of our feelings. So many people around me struggle to express feelings or to ignore them or not to accept them or not to admit them to themselves. So many friends are lost and hurt and suffer, because they don't admit to themselves who they trully really are. Human kind is most likely the only species in this world which has two things other living creatures don't: free will and feelings. Can you imagine your world if you felt reluctant to people, events in you life, gifts, travel, job, family, friends, food, music...if all would be the same, sunny weather, heavy rain, listening to rock music or going to opera. If you never fell in love or experience a broken heart. If you would not care who you talk to, drink coffee with or sleep with. How would the world be, how would we live and talk to each other? No laughter and no tears. No anger and no love. No excitment and no disappointment.

I'm sure the first thing that crosses your mind is boring. I agree, I would be bored to death. Not to feel. My second question to you is, why do you then struggle so much, not to feel? Not to let all the emotions kick in, goosebumps spread over your body. Why do you hold back tears and don't shout when you know this is all you wanna do? Why don't you express what you feel to people around you? Sincerely and honestly say and show how you feel. At home, at work, when exercising or watching a movie.

For a long time I didn't know how to feel. Or maybe I only knew how to feel the "positive" emotions and made a dam for the heavy feelings, the negative ones, the ones I didnt even know that existed. And then the dam crashed, exploded, too much pressure was created from my inner river of life. And I will be endlessly grateful for this. Cause now I dare to cry in public, to laugh in the middle of a restaurant so that every one hears. I dare to say light or heavy words, cause there is no more positive or negative in my vocabulary. I dare to say "I love you" to people who I feel I want to say this. And I show and say when I'm disappointed. I shout out loud when I can't take it no longer and I simply stay silent, when there's nothing to express. I feel gratitude for all feelings in my life, cause they make me feel alive. Cause I know I'm not a machine or a robot. I know I am human being.

So my advice to you is to tell, show and express. It can't go wrong. You can't feel wrong. You just feel yourself. Even if it might not end up the way you imagined, you will always know deep down in your side, that your truth was sent out there. And Universe values highly our honesty. So use your free will wisely and just feel, it's the best two tools you will ever handle.