22 October 2016

Almost at the top

It's been a while now, I know, but there were so many unfamiliar yet positive things happening inside and outside of me, that I just needed to take this break. My last blog, which is about missing parents although they were standing next to me, released a heavy burden and created me wings to fly. Even for this post, there's so many things I want to share with you, encourage you to keep on going, to observe yourself, yet I don't quite know how to start and what to write...

After my time off at the seaside in August, I came back changed. I've always known that seaside cleans soul, but this time it made a profound impact to me. I was there with my girls and we know how to listen to each other, challenge each other, yet leave ourselves alone. It was time of deep dives and chillaxed days under pine trees. For sure the most important thing in that week was that I surrendered. Such a simple and innocent thing, but I gave control to others. I didn't drive back home. I could, but I refused, I wanted that four hours that somebody else took control and I could relax. I left my tears to fall and wounds to open. All that heavy feelings when it was expected of me, I expected of me to be strong, to take care of everything and to solve everything. I couldn't do it anymore, it was too much. I was sick and tired of always holding everything together, leading, managing, healing. I felt the deep loneliness which was with me ever since I was a kid I think, the need for someone, just for once, to take care of schedules, to-do lists etc. And this simple thing, when a friend of mine drove back home, caused an explosion inside me. I was shaking with tears in the middle of a beautiful drive...

I'm not the same since then. Allowing this sort of deep loneliness come out, changed my need to be with someone. Don't get me wrong, I still wish for that to happen, but on a completely different terms and from different standing point. Before I was scared and wanted to be with some body in order not to be alone and not to feel scared. Now I feel like a tree, a pretty stable and old tree. A tree with rather deep roots which hold together its core even in storms. In self-reflection I have seen what all my men in life taught me. I've realized that every pain in relationships brought me one step closer to myself. With the help of the weekly talks I realized what each person is teaching me, which wounds are healing. And how do you really know you've changed for good? When the world around you is starting to change.

I said no to many things I believed even two months ago are my satisfaction. I met new people and old people who are renewed came back to my life. I set a price under which I'm not willing to go. I spend time alone and I love it. I cook and dance, differently. The mountain I've been climbing for the past four years, well I'm almost at the top. I always go alone. Just me and my backpack. Normally I get up early, to avoid people. I sweat and I cry and lately I enjoy. Legs hurt no more, my lungs are filled with love and freedom and interestingly enough, every time I go up there, I come back stronger. I don't pressure myself that much anymore but just let it be. Things changed at work also, but I don't really want to go into details, not yet.

One of the most important things which happened to me in the past months, is that past came to visit me. The past I thought will stay there, but literally people found me again. It's been four years since then and I was a bit scared of what I'll hear. But then again, even here I've changed. I don't care how the Past is and what's been going on. I know that my story is much different to the collective one the Past is living. I've decided for a different step, a step towards me. But I have to admit, hearing about the Past was difficult, painful. Filled with feelings of fault. But I also am strong enough to confront this front, although here it's not completely up to me, but up to the Past also. Regardless of the result, I am proud of myself. I know that 6 months ago I would react from that almost 30 years old wound, now I always do my best to react from love. Pure innocent love, because I believe it always comes back, in one shape or another.

I know that these months now, are an important transition period. A very specific transition period, where I'm letting things to go their own way and during which my roots will grow deeper and stronger. I learned not to compare and judge, but also to stand tall and feel proud of myself. I learned that each and every one of us only deserves the best. I learned that will not settle for less than I can give and will not care about what others think. There were many months lately when I felt I was judged by people around me for one reason or another. But none of them is me and never will be, so I think for the first time in my life I didn't care and I still don't. Having the power to look into our hearts for what we really want, not what we think we want, and stand behind the decision is for me one of the courageous things you can do in your life.