12 August 2016

Adult kid

Now this one is completely unexpected and it hit me one day before leaving on holidays with my girls. I haven't really craved for it you know and I can't really tell how it came, but surely it has been preparing for the past weeks. All I wanted was to be alone and I was perfectly fine with it! Finally, after basically a year, I was all alone and happy with myself, at peace...spent time in the forest, walking, running, cooking delicious dinners. And I couldn't speak. To nobody. It was time of silence. I needed this time to recover from, well from the crazy world and myself I guess. From all the earthquakes inside me which changed my surface, on the outside and on the inside. And then again I died a little. Well, a lot actually. I can't say I haven't seen it coming, it's been up in the air, I was just waiting for it to come - as this is how a storm of revelation comes in my Life. It's never easy and lately it's getting deeper and deeper and hence harder and harder, but that's personal growth.

So, to cut to the point. Again I am about to go away, on short holidays. Very nice holidays actually, with people I love and who know me deep down, yet I felt like my world is tearing apart. And this time I really let it feel, feel what's inside me and all I could feel was that I miss my parents dearly! I though I was being nuts seriously! Living on my own, paying bills, responsible serious job and then I miss my parents. And what's more, in the last weeks I was sick and tired of taking care of everything. You see, all my life I was treated older than I actually was. The reason behind is, because actually I kind of am not a very typical for my age, responsible but soon (looking back now) I though this is not just being expected of me, but am me. Well guess again! It's not that it's not me, it's just that underneath, there comes time, when I want to feel 5 again. But this time, without thinking of when the next fight of my parents will be and taking care of everything just that we'll all be okay. There is another thing about me, I'm very sensitive. The moment a vibration changes in a relationship I feel it. So it was really very hard for me to be there when my parents were in a fight. But I only know this now. And what also helped was being around my nephew. He's the little angel of the family and when seeing how my parents are great with him and how cool it is to be just around, when the little one is around. How I basically missed being a kid.

Anyhow, the turning point, connecting all these feelings, was minutes ago, when I described all this to my friends, thinking myself I really am crazy and she simply said: "You know, sometimes you fight so much being an adult. It's okay to miss parents". And it hit me. It hit me deep and I realized this theme in my life actually. Trying to be an adult. A lot. It's not that my family expected this of me, I put this role on myself. Always being the responsible, grown up me, having all figured out. And then take a look at me now. Going on holidays and the little me inside would just like to stay at parent's house and hang around.

So you know, maybe in the next weeks I'll be an adult kid. I'll be adult where I really just really have to be. But in other areas, I'll be the kid again. I'll let my dad drive me around, going shopping with my mum and will just hang around with my parents. Because I never allowed myself this ten to twenty years back and I luckily and hopefully have some time to catch up. Don't get me wrong, I'm not talking about putting the responsibility for decisions to my parents and not leaving the nest, not at all. I'm taking about admitting to myself, I don't always have to be the grown up 24/7, there will be plenty of years to come.

And again, I'm grateful for the pain of last days, solitude days which brought me back to me and especially the little Me, who needs a hug, some encouragement and just doesn't have to be all grown up all the time. I guess I just saved the kid inside - some innocence and this free little girl who believes in happy endings.

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