A storm causing freedom

It's been a while now, I haven't written anything, but there was a storm in my life, well it's still here actually, but this time, I'm not fighting against it, but following its winds. A storm which caused some further objects to fall in my life, making space for something new. It started with two weeks which I took off. I needed it. I had to calm down myself, to really feel, to contemplate all what has been happening in my life in the past half a year. I needed feelings to settle, wishes to have space to come out and me to set my internal compass again. As it seems, this time into a whole new direction. It's too early to talk about that, but what I do want to share with you is what happened inside of me, that I know and feel I will be able to do this change in my life. Something for which I am sure will change the path of my life and something which can cause yours to shift too.

As said above, it started when I was at the seaside. Ever since I can remember, sea has had a special influence to me. It clears my soul and body, causes me to see things top-down, from a wider perspective. Strangely enough, all I could do during this vacations was rest. I was exhausted, still am I guess. And it went on from there. Why am I so tired? Who am I giving myself to? What do I get in return and do I get anything in return? I prayed, did some yoga but more than anything I rested and had long conversations with a person very dear to me. Actually I got to know this person from a whole new perspective, some new bonds tied us together even more. And during nights under the stars and long morning coffees, I felt it. It came slowly yet steadily and what is more important very differently - this feeling of freedom and self-love. I do not even know how to describe it...it is something different, something that made me feel much stronger, a force which torn down something old in me. Something which changed how I see some relationships in life, how I see what I do on a day-to-day basis. It didn't come over night, surely not! It was in me for a while now, yet every time until now I knelt down and couldn't manage it, couldn't make a step further. This time I can and I will.

It was coming together for more than a month, hence my delay in writings. I have much to write, but if I don't feel right about it, I can't really do it, for me it needs to come from my heart, be sincere. Anyhow, in this weeks, when all was being prepared inside me, I knew something was up. I always feel like this, tired, cranky, need time to be alone, but I couldn't have it. Not in past weeks, not until this short break. And then it hit. There were some very clear dreams, earthquakes, damaging the building completely, me saving some important people in my life. And it went on and on. And all of a sudden I felt, I don't want to feel or be in any kind of relationship with anyone and anywhere where I feel self-evident. Where it is expected of me to be always there, to take care of everything, yet get little in return. And trust me, there were quite a few fields, I had to go into. And my main conclusion was, I deserve more. Very simple actually.

I am who I am. I am not self-evident. I am special and want to be, work, hang out, love, spend time with people where I feel that way. Very simple conclusion, yet the kind that I only read in books about it, had a feeling here and there in past (otherwise I wouldn't be able to move on, to where I am now), but this time, I am taking what I want - freedom in my life.