Hmm how to start writing this one. So you see, what I can see as one of my most important missions in this life is to help others and by helping other, I help myself. Not just help, but cure, literally. It took me for years to finally admit this to myself, as it's not the easiest thing in the world. It means I have to work on myself constantly, seeing all the relations and if I want to help others, I first need to help myself, meaning normally I have to go through a lesson, in order to be next to others, when they go through something similar. I don't really think a person can understand and really help, compassionately, if one hasn't experienced it on his/her own. So that's one way of how I help people around me, more and more. Things just happen, I don't plan for people to come into my life. When fighting my own struggles, teachers came and throughout my whole life, they all gave me a simple conclusion: your mission is to help others. Nothing more complicated than this.
So I stepped on it. On this life-long journey for which I have no idea where it will lead me, and this is also why I'm writing this blog. As I would like to let all of you know, that it doesn't matter what's going on in your life and how strange, difficult and unusual it is, I can almost guarantee you, you are not the only one. It's because of that I talk about myself when I feel it's appropriate and necessary. Because I know I have the power to influence people and make them think. And it's also because I try daily to do what I preach, is that my moral standard are high above the sky. Sometimes so high, that people don't really understand why am I doing things I do. And in most of the cases it's difficult as hell, as I have to overcome my ego. And my ego is rather high, it's my highest guard when it comes to securing my heart and emotions. Yet, only by try to overcome it, I am developing myself, my reactions and I grow. That's why personal growth is difficult and if your ego is strong, you most likely have very interesting lessons in life. Of course it's only up to you, if you will see the lesson and try to learn something from it.
And as said above, it was difficult for me to admit to myself that simply, I just am a little bit different than others. Perhaps complicated, perhaps complex but then maybe I just feel deep and really strive to make a world a better place but helping people to sort out the relationship they have with themselves and people around, especially the one they care for. For me to learn a little bit more about myself and learn a new skill, which will help me to help others, I recently enrolled into a psychological astrology and psychoanalysis course. Of course we work on "our own material", meaning: my own emotions, fears, complexes, patterns etc etc. And it's not easy, trust me, it really isn't. When your life is complicated you learn that it's actually even more complicated. And despite only starting it, I already see, how my deepest wound is positioned in the field of deep interpersonal relations. The kind that shake you and dream of them. And connected to men. So a kind of a short summary would be, that my wounds, caused or started by men around me, I'll have to develop the power to cure this wound with them and by that cure myself as well. Of course as always until now, when I bring something into awareness, Life serves me a test.
All that is okay, until it comes to my own personal emotions. My emotions connected to the men in my life I adore and love, my family and closest friends. My lovers. Of course, only when you are connected with someone really close, you can learn something from it. And this is what just today I realized is happening to me in one of my stories with men around me. The person who's involved into this, knows very well what I'm talking about. I can't say I didn't see it coming from the beginning, cause I think we both knew it's there, it's just that it all turned into a very strange way. A complex form, when you're not really a friend, not a lover. Not a partner and not just a fling. When basically the relationship cannot have a label on it. You know what I mean? When we're together, there's something in the air. And the more we try to solve it, the more it's here. Of course I wouldn't be me, if I wouldn't look to it from a broader perspective, to try and see the bigger meaning in all of this. I know there's no coincidences in life. And just today, when walking through my forest I let myself to feel, to see...to try and understand what's behind it. And as you know, I always claim, one can't see things by him/herself, we always need a reflection. So I called a special person in my life and described my second thoughts, my fears, what I sense and before I even started to talk, I realized why it's here. To cure each other. For me, to help cure his wounds and for him, to help mine. Very simple, yet very very strong and difficult. And this can only be done in a relation, a conversation just between us. We both can have as many talks as we want with other people, but the only way to solve this, will be to simply honestly talk to each other. And as I see it, we're both freaking scared of it, and ego is always on the way, asking why and do I really need it. But I don't believe in ego, I believe in love between human beings, honest words. That's the only cure we have and normally it heals the majority of our wounds. So it will happen. Soon.
The most important message I want to share with you today is to realize, that all relationships you're in, are teaching you something and more than that, that's how we're curing each other. We always meet people we need to in our life to show us something, to teach us something. Maybe sometimes we think we're only here for them, but that's never true. We can only develop as human beings in a relationship. And by that I don't mean a romantic relationship (that too of course), but a relation between two human beings. That's why we have emotions and can communicate. Not to sit and wait it will pass, cause it won't. If not with this person, than with the next one. The only thing that can pull us away is our ego - that's the biggest danger. And fear. But we all know that fear means stepping away from comfort zone. And that's completely and perfectly A okay.
So talk to each other, that's the only way you'll cure yourself and each other and be able to grow. And I have no idea what this is going to bring, honestly. But I felt it's the right thing to do. And I always try to follow my heart.
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