What I am facing right now is observing my own symptoms and feelings and thought on a person dearest to me in the world, yet I cannot help. I can give all the advice in this world, can put the feelings in words, suggest the best help one can imagine to get, yet I am useless and helpless unless this person decides to fight over and over again. Every day, every hour and every minute. I think this is one of the most difficult moments in life, when the ones you love are in pain and suffer and there's nothing you can do to help them - It's up to them. The decision to fight the pain lies on the shoulders of each individual. You can have all the money in the world, are surrendered with people who trully love you and basically have all the means possible to be "happy by the book", yet if you don't decide and I mean really deeply firmly decide, no one can help you.
My experiences showed me, I never really knew Life, or maybe not knew but appreciate. I took it for granted. I was fortuante enough for all my life to go just as I imagined. Best in class, great jobs, enough of money to travel the world and do the little shopping every girl needs, loving family, great friends...I wished and I received. I read plenty of spiritual books, though I have everything figured out. Of course I know what it means to have no expectations and live the life every moment. Being greatful for every moment I am here? Sureee I know it all. And then it came...slowly, firstly it appeared here and there. And then it was more and more often and could no longer be ignored. This unsteadiness in my heart. Heavy feeling which interupted my breathing, pain around the stomach. And then I faced some surface issues in my life, keep on blaming it on others and it was better. I thought again, ha i'm mastering this spiritual things. Yet it was still there, not cured at all and still very strange and unkown to me. And what surprised me is to have this feelings in moments of relaxation, when I left my guard down.
And this went on and off for a couple of years. Couple of years which made me be on stand-by 24/7. Fear grew, being relaxed - what is that? I felt I'm the only person in this world who's feeling this way. Like I was crazy and different and kept on asking why on Earth is this happening to me? Why can't I be like everybody else? All I want is the life I read about in magazines...what should be normal for a girl of my age! And the more I tried to ignore it, the more these feelings were in front of my face. it wasn't that rare that I crashed on the floor crying out loud, when will this go away. What more do I need to do: meditation, yoga, books....Ha, but I forgot about the most important - human conversation about my feelings. All this were just my own emotions and fears and expectations and wishes that wanted to get out! For me to hear myself!!! Something which I was never thought like a child. Knowing that I know no more than 5 feelings, came like a shock to me! And then came a moment of enough hide and seek. I admitted to myself I can't do it no more. I can't live like this, I was shaking and drifting, felt like a stranger to myself and all i wanted was my old life and old me. In a second! Or at least some sort of life and a little bit more of me! And I asked for help! Confrontation that I have a problem, which is socially stigmatized was one of the hardest things in my life. Simple confession to myself.
I dont believe in coincidences in life. I asked God for help and I received it. Signs were sent to me in a day and I saw them, sent a big thank you to God and this was a beginning of new me, new life and finally I think I know (Im still not sure about it) what some of the spiritual books are about. And I cherish Life and am no longer afraid of it. I know life is a battle. That's an axiom. But battles are here just to push us onwards, towards happines and new events and Im 100% sure, that what lies ahead of us is far better than what we leave behind, we just need to have the guts to make this first step, which will turn our life upside down.
So to anyone out there who reads this and has problems and faces difficult times and is afraid...not afraid, freaking scared! Trust me, when you surrender to life, life is there for you. It brings you things you couldn't imagined in your wildest dreams! And what is most important, you really really start living your life. Not by the book, not who you should or must, but simply like you want it. And im eternally thankful for all the years of fear and difficult moments and rough times and crying and shouting....cause now I cherish my Life. I no longer take it for granted, like something that is normal that we all have! I thank God each and every evening for what I have, even if I don't like it at the moment, because I know that when looking back in 5 years, I will know that it was necessary for me to grow, develop personality, be a better me and know what freedom is!
So know the big question: Why do we need suffering and fighting for life? That we don't take it for granted and start living it! So you know what, I think each and every one should have a battle in life, which we can win if we decide so, something to kick us out of our confort zone and face us with ourselves - only then we realize what life trully is about.
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