So after quite some time, when I was first of all going through pain and suffering from my last love, then struggling to surrender to my own feelings and when doing so, I met somebody. Somebody new, who came out of blue and made me feel again. And then he found me shattered and yet he still is here. On our first coffee actually on his birthday I fell apart crying and yet he stayed. He met me at my lowest, dressed in what I had to wear not to be naked, searching for myself and yet he stayed. Then came new year's and we knew each other quite well by then and still he was there next to me. And here came February and March and our dinners got longer, coffees more uniqe and friendly and although I got a grip of myself, there were still times when he was the only person who pulled me together in now time and yet he stayed. The last time I was listneing to my flaws, which I admit though, i.e. craving for knowing everything in advance and planning and not really surrendering to life and here he fails.
It was one evening we spent together...evening of laughing and fun times, full of intimate elaborations of old events, family gatherings, old lovers and sincere wishes. An evening I will most probably never forget, as It was of a kind. When we both put our masks down and were at our best. When we shared glasses and spoons and enjoyed that smoke outside on the balcony. When time stopped for us and all just was, was the very moment itself.
And then came a day when we said things out loud which we really meant. My deepeste wishes and his biggest fears. It was an afternoon when for the first time in my life I was proud of myself - I was actually capable of putting my heart out opened, saying I dont want to be just another friend, I want te be something more. Something I know we can create, cause neither of us is made and acts by social standards. We are both something special, and why not go for it. And for the first time in my life, I said, the hell with everything, let's see what faith has ready for me, I trust life!
And it's was a big strong no. Becuase what others might think. Because although he never tried something like this before, he knows what's going to happen - becuase he and I are just like everybod else! And here he faield, completely, utterly and perfectly failed.
It's beucase I trust life will be there for me, that I again dare to jump and see what happens. It's beacue I don't preach to others what im then not capable of doing. Its beacuse I say it out loud what I fear the most and yet I try my best to overcome it. Its because I trust my heart more than i trust my ego. It's beacuse comparing to others will never do it for me. It's beacuse I feel when something special is in the air and under no circumstances am willing to let it go.
That's why I always choose life and love over fear and what others will say. The moment I choose the other way, I become nothhing but the crowd. And I went through too much pain and suffering lately to choose ordinary again, when I just fell inlove in wierd and special. I know neither him nor I are ordinary, but this time it's no enough. And here again I choose life and love to know that all is okay and just the way it needs to be.
And yet again, never preach what you're not capable of doing. Choose silence, don't judge and grow and speak out only when you really mean what you're saying: all day, every day. That's integrity and that's how people will judge you.
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