Just recently "somebody special" confronted me with quite some facts about myself and the majority of them were actually quite true. One of the things he pointed out was that if possible I would like to have my whole life planned out, know when and where will I get married and have children and how my career will go and in the end when and where will I die. And that it's time for me to really see that life isn't about planning and having everything under control all the time. And I do agree, to a certain point of course, but more than this he got me thinking why do I live my life the way I do.
And yet again I went deep inside my soul to see where and when has this started, to have a reality check why is it sometimes so difficult for me to surrender to life and loose control and maybe to nothing as a difference to always doing something! You see, with me, a day needs to be fully exploited! I mean it's sunny outside and there's not a machine in the world which could tie me to spend the day inside! There's so much to do, to see, to read, to write in this life and to really have most out of everything! I want to keep on learning and reading and growing - If you take this away from me, you might just kill me!But then again if you want to have full days in life, this means some necessary planning and yes, control over time, otherwise one can never do sports, cook yummy lunch, meet friends, have the sweet afternoon nap, read a book, do some cleaning, visit family, yoga in the evening etc etc....
But then, this somebody was right....doing all this is great, sometimes - not every weekend! So you see, today, I wasn't sporty me, I did the necessary dishes and clothes washing, only went across town to friends' place for a long sunny sitting coffee and chitchat, i kept my afternoon nap, added lazy afternoon on the terrace reading and writing....not planning, just going with the flow of the day.
Another question popped up, do I do all the crazy things over the weekend because I really enjoy them, trully really completely? Or some of them are on my agenda just to simply fit in? To be able to say to myself ok my weekend was great, because during a weekend I NEED to do all these things, not because I want to...there's no clear answer up til now, which I think we all know what it means.
Fitting in our just being me - where's the thin line which makes us unique or just somebody who does things like everybody else just because you "ought to do" these things in this period of life. And doing this brings us safety, because we know we can identify with others, the crowd and can get approval. But do I really need so much approval? Well for the past some years I needed it, but now I'm slowly turning back to myself. Back to black hat and red lipstick, back to my roots of being me, back to the feeling when nothing in the world could scare me, cause I trust life - the thing is, it won't be back, it will be forward: forward to stronger me, towards to knowing myself and my shady side, towards to new challanges and towards to what my somebody special said: life isn't something we plan, life happens every minute. So I will try to be brave to get out of my comfort zone - for the n-th time in the past few months, and go on my second date with Life. My first one happened on January 2nd and so far it didn't get me disappointed! Let's see where Life will bring me over the weekends :).
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