Change

Play this and read.

And I'm back. It's been exactly one calendar year that I was not blogging. And All is Okay. Well....All is okay, was and always will be, it just depends on how I see the lessons. Last winter was nice, sunny, not so cold. I skied a lot. Spring was time for my girls and some crazy adventures. In summer I started to discover myself. Fall brought shattered times and soul searching. 2014 was an interesting year. I danced a lot. I love to dance...a dance I wished for a long time happened. It was short but sweet. A travel year I wished and a travel year I receveid. Travelling around Europe and Asia. And most of all I received a long, difficult never-ending travel into the depths of my soul. Somewhere I never have been before, in the dark caves and light open sky, where the biggest demon and best friend was myself. Just me. Nobody hurt me, nobody wanted anything from me. Just me, myself and I. I think 2014 was the most important year of my life, actually. I finally adimitted to myself my flaws, my fears, my demons, my old loves, my new loves, my loved-ones, my wishes, my dreams. I had to. Universe said it's enough of hide and seak.

A lot of people do not know what has been hapenning to me. And they are no longer part of my life. A few knew exactly what went on and I hold to them dearly. For some I know they felt me and some still do. Some were just next to me. Understood my alone-times and were perfectly fine with it. Some wiped my tears and brought a smile to my face. I met exactly one new person who has had important influence on me. Somebody who caused rock'n'roll inside me again in no-time....not even again, but just caused it as it appears, I never knew rock'n'roll so far...and met me when I was at my lowest. In my far far lowest moments, when all I did was breath in, breath out. And somehow is still here. And knows me like we knew each other for 25 years.

It was a year of challanges on how to put theory into practice. A year of honest words, sincere laughing, tears....many strong, sticky, tears which come with shaking. Tears crying out my pain, broken heart(s), old feelings and especially fears. Tears which brought new teachers in my life for whome I am endleslly greatful and know, will not leave. One special person was my port in the wildest storm of life. Showed me it's okay to be weak. It's okay to shout and laugh and cry. And December was dedicated to him. He knows how it is. From our first 20min, he feels me and I feel him. And his Christmas present was one of the best gifts I received in my life.

Then there were tears which showed me, who trully understands, and sometimes just listens. Doesn't judge, doesn't preach and just is. Next to me. I know know which hug comforts me, which one is honest and which one fake. And then there were tears of laughing....of sincere honest crazy laughing.

A year of "a first"s. First time in new land. First psychoanalysis. First honest confrontation with the Father. First "go to hell". First masterclass. First angry shout. First connection. Firstl feelings of other. First time being a boss. First "I can't do this any longer". First time admitting I am simply different. First chapter of my book. First search for my own new flat. First taking of my own responsibilities. First not-blaming you. First honest conversations. A lot of significant firsts for 365 days.

I begin 2015 different. Still a bit scared, unsecure, in a need of love - pure, honest, love. The kind of love I can feel will do me good. The kind which isn't scared of new paths. The kind that doesn't demand anything in return. The kind that respcets me.

The change is the only constant and all is okay.
I just need to put this change into practice. And this is what 2015 will be about.