Different

For the last few months I am often confronted with some very specific questions: why am I different to sense everyone around me? Why do have to face emotional roller coasters aged 28? Why can't I have a normal relationship and a lot of people is scared of me? Why my  job isn't a simple classis when what you get on a desk is predictable? Why do I sometimes have to feel all these heavy emotions? Why is it difficult to even feel what I feel, what even to explain it to somebody who will understand? Will somebody understand? Why do I love being in nature and sleeping in and reading and not partying outside? Why is it sometimes so difficult to keep on moving and moving alone, when everyony around has somebody they can hold on to? Why so many whys?

And it goes back to my child years. Even then I was different, I never fitted in. And this is what I wanted so much, I still do actually - to fit in. I can't really tell why, probably because being one of them, makes me feel accepted, safe, confirmed, acknowledged, not alone. For some time I acted in a way to be accepted and was surronded by crowds not to feel alone and yet I ran away from myself and my own emotions.

You see and now I have to confront this feelings again and again and again. There are days when I feel great, when I  feel me, different me. But then there are days when all I wanna do is fit in. When I feel small and scared and lone. When facing what I have to face means a huge jump to me. And yet again Life was very straightforward and showed me, I can no longer fit in. I need to face this one more challange and admit to myself, that my life will never be like everybody elses. It never has so far, then why should it be now? This is something I will probably have to remind myself day by day: