My Friends - My All

This is the song which reminds me of you

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2VbODnX0dVs

For a while now I wanted to write this blog, however timing or feelings weren't right and now they are. One has friends in life and one has FRIENDS. This one is for FRIENDS. For who you make me and how I feel when I'm with you. It's becuse you were my first or at least parallel therapy and listeners and it's because you stayed and didn't run away in my rough times. It's becuase you drove half a country to wish happy birthday. It's because you listen and surprise me. And it's mostly beucase you just love me, even when I don't love myself. My whole crazy package. Not just one version of me, and we all know there's a quite a few different editions of me. One for work, one for party, one for yoga, one for family, one for men, one for kids, one for sports, one for housekeeping, one for culture, one for art, one for music, one for dancing, quite a few for the rest of the world and yet, you respect all of me. Just me.

Throughout the last few years you have been my rock, my port, my all. There were moments:

• when I really wasn't myself,  and you were here for me
• when I was talking over and over and over again about one single issue and you listend for days, weeks or even months
• when I was me, but for sure not the best edition, and you were here for me
• when it was tough and I was cranky, and you were here for me
• when you wiped my tears
• when you made me laugh and when we lauged together
• when you shared big long hugs
• when we cooked and sang and danced
• when we had long soul-deep sonversations
• when you took me to places I have never been before
• when you called just in the moment when I needed them the most
• when even if we were seas and oceans apart you cared
• when you surprised me the way I alway wished for
• when we shared our fears and fought them
• when we giggled like in high school 
• when I was alone and lonely and you came - despite the late or early hour
• when you sent small crazy messages I will never forget
• you cooked me meals just to spoil me a little bit
• you brought me cookies for a nice day

 I could go on and on and on. And you my dear rare people are my soul mates.You know who you are, cause you're the first I share all of me with. You're my family, my all. Each and every one of you is special and I love you for who you are, just the way you are and I wouldn't change a thing on you!

It's because I know I can turn to you, trust you with my life and know that you will always stand by me and protect me. It's because I can trust you all my feelings and thoughts and plans and dreams and even though you know I want to do thousand things at the same moment, you wait for me to decide or sometimes you decide for me. It's simply because you have been here for me when I needed you. When this transformation thing went on and yet, you were still next by me. And trust me, a lot of people weren't by my side, when all I needed was somebody to talk to, express what I feel and what's going on in my crazy head and lean on, get a hug. It's because you are happy for me and all the little steps I have made. It's because you always encourage me to go, try, do. And it's mostly becuase you all take me for who I am. Simple.

It's becuase you know I know plenty of people, but it's mostly because you know, there's only a few I will stick to forever. Each and every one of you basically met me in one of the phases of my life: when we were 3 and played in our grandparents' gardens, when we shared toys at kindergarten, when we were falling in love for the first time in primary school, when Friday night was THE day of the week at high school, when we danced quite some nights away at the University, when I was settling in a new country and you took me places and shared your home, when I actually hated you at the beginning, yet you are one of my dearest people in this world and you helped my find my first job, when you simply knew who I am after looking at me and always will know how I feel after just one look, when you gave me advice I will always cherish and you were right and naive me was wrong. And throughout all these years we went thorugh storms and rainbows only life can paint and it's because of you, I am who I am today.

It's because I can be myself with you and be calm. And even when I'm not calm, you understand. It's because you didn't go away when I was searching for myself and mostly because I feel each and every one of you. It's because you were with me during all the important events of my life, especially my birthdays and it's because you never miss it. It's because we sent packages to each other when we're 10 time zones apart and it's because sometimes you know who I am, when I forget.

And it's because I know what is ahead of us is great! We'll laugh, we'll cry, we'll travel, we'll settle, we'll move, we'll change, we'll grow, we'll fall, we'll get up, we'll cook, we'll chill, we'll work and what's important we'll be here for each other!

What I really want to say is, that I'm endlessly greatful for each and every one of you and I love you till the end of the world and back. And it's because you have been there for me I promise I will always try my best to be there for you too.

26.11.2014 : 26.11.2015

I would say it was the most difficult thing to admit to myself. Sometimes when some heavy feelings come back it still is. It had to cut my body. I cried laying on the floor. Pretending like they're not here could not last any more. It seems strange to me today how scared I was of confrontation with myself. It's me, just me. I remember like it was yesterday. It was two days before I had plans to go for backpack travel with my friend. It was almost like today, when things slightly calmed down and the hectic every-day with adrenalin pumping in my veins. I broke down. I cried. I cried a lot. It hurt my whole body, my soul, tears just pouring out and no way to stop them. My solar plexus was hot as summer sun, legs hurt, eyes tired and swollen. I did not know what more to do. And then it was evening and I was switching TV channels and I really rarely watch TV. And there it was. The sign, when all was clear to me: a short TV clip on how therapy can change your life. And at first I thought to myself, ok this is it. I'm officially crazy, I lost it, that's it.

I still feel like this sometimes. Just today actually, when it was overload of everything, but this time I left my legs to shake, tears to fall, soul to speak, hands to write. I admit that just now in this very moment I miss a hug. Someboday to say, all will be okay, so I'm saying it to myself. #allisaokay

My main purpose actually isto say, It's exactly a year since my first therapy. I chose my therapist as always by coincidence. My mum suggested a few good ones and then I I trusted my instinct. It took a month from my decision to the first visit. It was a month like from hell. Then I went. I stepped into this old flat in the midst of the city. Floor was bending, everything smelled of old. Dark red curtins are hung before I entered. I felt almost like I'm going to enter to a magician's room...well in some ways he has been my magician. It was 20min of polite conversation, in which we exchanged basic information. What's wrong, how it gets fixed. Honestly I had no idea what to expect. And then our second meeting, the first full hour. I was crying after 20min, but finally somebody was there for me. Just for me. It was my 50min, just mine. For the first time I felt like somebody is listening. I felt somebody is there for me, just me. He has elaborated what I couldn't comprehend. He gave me the credit I never got. He has slowly been giving me the feeling I am special. And I am, I know now I am. And you are too.

He is older, of course. He is special, just like me. He doesn't live a life he should, the kind I imagine people would expect from him, at least that's what I fell when Im next to him. I wrote in one of my blogs he was my port in the wildest storm of my life. He really has been, still is here and there. I don't really know how this therapy-relationship should look like, have no idea, but I have a feeling this one isn't just quite a common one. He always knows how to get rid of all my own expectations of how I should be, cause he somehow knows that's not who I am. I can be angry or sad or dissapointed there. I can also be happy and joyful. I grew up in this old room, sitting on the sofa. I fell apart, left my old me there. With his help I realised things I knew but were burried under too many emotions, I grew strong. I got myself back.

At the beginning I didn't dare to say to anyone I'm seeing a therapist. I didnt want to admit this to myself. It made me strange, not adequate, not fitting in, being different, not like the crowd. Today I'm saying to the world.: yes I have needed help. I couldn't be this strong tough me, and I can't be. Not even today and not like that, but stronger differently. I've needed somebody to hear me, cause this was the only way I started to hear myself. My thoughts, emotions. My higher self, my soul. To see and feel my dreams. To follow intuition and not what other people say around me. I am enough.

And so today it's me, and my bear and my wolves. I'm still not ready for to meet the bull. And I respect my emotions, my soul and my dreams. Even tough sometimes I still catch myself trying to fit in and not to experience all this. Yet I have. As my dreams showed me the other day, I went thorugh initiation. I saw myself as an Indian shaman, sitting next to a fire, eagle was my spirit.

That travel in Fall 2014 was beginning of the travel into the depths of my soul and its biggest lesson was materialisation. Exactly what was inside me, appeared on the outside. Chaotic traffic, hot sun, steamy stinky air, something new and unknown yet beautiful behind every corner. Climbing to a rock I will never ever forget. Signes from God sent every morning and every day. A driver whose name is Good Karma, feathers all round - angels where there with me.

And I haven't done any travelling basically outside my country since then, but I made the most important travel in my life so far - I travelled to meet me. And there were rocks and steamy air, fire and bombs all around...some days they still are, but this is the path of rebirth and it's never easy and sometimes you think like you're going to die.

Ha interesting enough, I always dreamed of going for a year-long travel....I guess my dreams came true #allisaokay

"The most beautiful jewel is tempered in the hottest fire and dipped in the coldest water." 

(Leilah Tiesh)

Why?

How many times have you asked this question in your life? Three letters...W H Y. Probably million times...

If I wanted to explain, what has been hapenning to me in last weeks, I could write a book. Happening around me and inside me. Events, emotions, people, relations, relationships. But I know it's all okay. I feel it. All is happening for a purpose, to check my reactions. Have I learned anything or haven't I. And this time I choose me. Just me. For the first time in my life.

There's so much I'd want to write out just now, yet it's too much too soon. When some things should be right, but aren't. Can't be. Not yet. When all seems right. And then why pops out. Why is this even happening then? Why such events when for the first time I'm letting it be, letting it all go with the flow. Maybe some times life just wants me to see, it can happen. It's is out there. Not just yet ready for me, but it does exist. So that I can see, what I wish for, can happen, but it's not yet ready, not in a form ready for me.

But in life it doesn't all depend on us. In any kind of relation, being at work, with friends, lovers, family, it's always somebody else on the other side. And all you can do is follow your own truth, your own intution and have faith, trust. Knowing that it's all here to teach me, us, something.

So maybe this is the time, to stop asking myself why, but to simply accept everything as it is. Simple as that. Just like it is. And wait some more, to see what life has prepared for grand finale of year 2015. So perhaps you should also just wait and see. Put yourself out there and have faith. Trust God it sees the big picture.

Remember, you can't connecting the dots looking forward, you can only connect them looking backwards. Just be honest to yourself and trust yourself.

1 year

It's been a year on top of 5 previous ones. Exactly 1+5special years since.....hmm since what? I'm looking for a word to describe what started a year ago. I think  personal mystical experience would be the proper word. Indian philosophy puts it nicely when they say that such experience is the core of the inner self and development as contradiction to the Western mind. So yes, I believe especially this last 12 months were all about personal mystical experience. The kind when you regularly ask yourself about your sanity. And so today, I'm sitting in my rented flat which I really do love, just now listening to Rolling Stones on my fav radio station, sipping coffee, eating warm croissants with apricot jam and thinking to myself, what has changed? What new is there inside me? Have I really changed something? Myself?

Well I can't not-see the obvious. I live alone and on my own. Completely and 100%. Something I have wished for, for a veeeery long time. After thinking of buying a flat, I dismissed my ego as my servant and promoted intuition as my special advisor. And it's my special sanctuary, my sacred space, my secure safe spot, my second yoga studio and cooking laboratory. It might not have the perfect colour scheme or the size of kitchen, but it's a place where I can find my peace and decide who will come for a visit and who won't. And living alone came with this special sense of responsibility, self-responsibility. When all of a suddent it's perfectly clear that I am responsible for my own actions, feelings and most of all attitude. It's up to me how my day will look like, if I'll be cranky or not, if smell of morning coffee will bring a smile on my face, if I'll cherish every day like it's the last one. And this at first was a rather shoking realisation, yet a necessary one. So yes, all this is completely new.

I stopped wearing dark blue. I just realised this. I can't see it anymore! It's been with me for three years I think now. Black is back and colours are here too. Gold has a special place in my wardrobe. Brown took over on the casual-level.

I started to feel and no longer run away from emotions. Yep, feelings wanted to introduce themselves in the 5y but as I wouldn't let them, they all came out in the +1 period. Heavily. And it was, still is, relieving. Feels great to allow myself to have a great cry and then also a great laugh. And I started to tell people around me what I feel and show this. I guess it might be intimidating, but I can't change how I feel and what I feel. A very sad event in my life showed me, dare to always show how you feel, cause you never know if you'll still be here tomorrow or if the other person will be. Life is too short to waste it for not trying or knowing. This is the greatest courage one can show, to give yourself out there. To show emotions, to say I care for you or I love you. To have the courage to be hurt, but knowing that one day, by doing so, you'll twist your and somebody elses world upside down. So yes, I dare.

Showing myself "I can". I'd say this is the most powerful part of my transformation. I can: be strong, be weak, cry, feel vulnerable, stop being tough on myself, choose people around me, teach yoga, face my fears, admit myself I need help, be completely honest, die a little in the middle of the day, say to people I love them, show affection....many many I can-s which I never dared to show in the past.

I became deeply religous. Religious without an institution or praying scheme or rituals. Just me and awarness that I am not alone.

I dare to say no. Loudly, clearly, to whoever or whatever I don't feel right about.

I have learned as much as I can about family patterns. Decided to keep the rare ones I like and threw away the others.

I am still realizing who are people who cherish me, respect me, love me for who I am in my full-crazy-package. Many many are no longer part of my life. Were great companions, but our paths parted. And new people came into my life, new teachers, new friends. I stick to a few dear ones.

I grew strong. Physically, psychologically and emotionally. I hope I have. I still get scared. And I still sometimes look for a saviour and in the end, each and every time come to a conclusion I need to save myself. I learn to love myself and put myself to first spot, before everybody else. If I loose myself, I loose everything.

Hmmmm this is what crosses my morning mind just now. I guess things have changed. The way I feel, react, think, do, express transformed. I wouldn't use the word changed, it just transformed. I'm still the same me, who'd do 100 things at the same time, who has dreams of living happily ever and after, who wants to travel the world, who believes in good in people, who wants to help people around, who loves animals, who feels enormously and who is completely and utterly straighforward with words and emotions.

Feelings

Last weeks made me think of our feelings. So many people around me struggle to express feelings or to ignore them or not to accept them or not to admit them to themselves. So many friends are lost and hurt and suffer, because they don't admit to themselves who they trully really are. Human kind is most likely the only species in this world which has two things other living creatures don't: free will and feelings. Can you imagine your world if you felt reluctant to people, events in you life, gifts, travel, job, family, friends, food, music...if all would be the same, sunny weather, heavy rain, listening to rock music or going to opera. If you never fell in love or experience a broken heart. If you would not care who you talk to, drink coffee with or sleep with. How would the world be, how would we live and talk to each other? No laughter and no tears. No anger and no love. No excitment and no disappointment.

I'm sure the first thing that crosses your mind is boring. I agree, I would be bored to death. Not to feel. My second question to you is, why do you then struggle so much, not to feel? Not to let all the emotions kick in, goosebumps spread over your body. Why do you hold back tears and don't shout when you know this is all you wanna do? Why don't you express what you feel to people around you? Sincerely and honestly say and show how you feel. At home, at work, when exercising or watching a movie.

For a long time I didn't know how to feel. Or maybe I only knew how to feel the "positive" emotions and made a dam for the heavy feelings, the negative ones, the ones I didnt even know that existed. And then the dam crashed, exploded, too much pressure was created from my inner river of life. And I will be endlessly grateful for this. Cause now I dare to cry in public, to laugh in the middle of a restaurant so that every one hears. I dare to say light or heavy words, cause there is no more positive or negative in my vocabulary. I dare to say "I love you" to people who I feel I want to say this. And I show and say when I'm disappointed. I shout out loud when I can't take it no longer and I simply stay silent, when there's nothing to express. I feel gratitude for all feelings in my life, cause they make me feel alive. Cause I know I'm not a machine or a robot. I know I am human being.

So my advice to you is to tell, show and express. It can't go wrong. You can't feel wrong. You just feel yourself. Even if it might not end up the way you imagined, you will always know deep down in your side, that your truth was sent out there. And Universe values highly our honesty. So use your free will wisely and just feel, it's the best two tools you will ever handle.

When my strongest enemy is myself

I'm not sure if it's the eclipse happening tomorrow, my PMS mood swings, Pluto/Saturn tranzits messing with me, or just continuation of my soul searching, but for sure, a new chapter is opening just now and I can feel it it's gonna be fun fun fun. If until now I have been cleaning out emotions, patterns and healing old wounds on the account of facing the realtionships around me, now my job is to face myself...really myself. Possibly even hardest job than then ones I was faced with until now. And why do I believe this might be true? Cause for the past week in my dreams I was carrying out dead bodies, searching for deadly bacteria and viruses in basments and confronting some large, loud and stinky beastes - one on one, me and them, shouting and being angry - Them of me and I of them, seriously angry. And scared.

What I relized in the past days or maybe weeks was, that I have never been soft to myself. It probably goes in line with my discovery, that I always had to be serious and strong and people expected this of me. Well them and I expected this of myself. I never cut myself any slack in any aspect of life and my hardest and toughest judge is myself. Me versus myself. It is I who always wants to be 100%, top grades, best, quickest, smartest, strongest, always on top, leading...it is I who has the highest possible standards of everything towards myself. It's me who doesn't let myself to fail, well it slowly does now and that's why all the beasts. Wanting to change this, to be soft and gentle and to stop constantly demanding something from myself, brings out a massive defence line of my subconsciousness. And what's the biggest paradox here - I have a defence line in front of myself!

What I would like to do now, is to face this new challanging chapter slightly different. I will try or at leat have no intention to constantly fight all the emotions, but to let them be. I'll try to say "hello there, please come in" to them and embrace them. See what do they have to tell me, even if this means that my body will be shaking and vibrating. I feel that much of myself, to know, that all is going to be okay. I know I'll have many moments when again I'll die a little (or even a lot), I know I'll be fighting my beasts on the highway or climbing up this hill I'm looking in front of me. But most of all I'll be patient to myself, I'll give myself as much love and understanding I possibly can. I'll speak my emotions and feelings out loud and won't keep them in as I have in the past. What I need to do know is to accept myself, to again admit myself who am I and what's down there in the basmenet, next to all the bodies. To have trust in myself and know that this is just another phase of cleaning my soul. I finally understand and know what the following proverb is all about:

When I die a little

You see, after this peaceful nirvana in my life for some weeks, I think I opened another chapter of my soul searching and stepped on a path of finding the woman within. Too many every-day situations happened, when all I kept hearing was that Im very straighforward and direct and not soft or tender. That I clearly say what I think and do the same thing. Tha I have a lot of masculine energy and when do I have time to calm down......

All this made me think....really think and mostly feel. I started to feel what I feel about all this. And after some evening when tears poured down my cheeks and I was holding on to my blanket, I came to somestrong conclusions in my life. The kind which brought heavy dreams of me climbing up mountains again in my life and waking up in the middle of the night sweating like I ran a marathon. And even now there's so many things I want to share with you, but have no idea how to start....maybe with my title.

So, sometimes I die a little. There are moments when I can't take it no more, when there's too much stuff going on around me, too many projects, coordination, too much help given, too many energy shared to people around me, too much questions, not enough hours in a day.... When people keep on demand something from me and when all I do is give give give and nobody asks me, hey you, how can I help you today? Are you ok? Are you going to make it? Cause you know, it's okay also not to always make it! And then, when I admit to myself I won't make it, it's too much, everybody always say, heeey, you're super-you, if somebody, then you can make it! Or sth like: I have no doooubt and am not worried a single second! Well you know what you smart people around me, I'm worried!!! I'm worried I'm going to turn into this working machine and forget about myself. My soft inside, which even now is hidden somewhere deep down and even I have to have a long deep look to find it. And when I do find it, I hold like like the most fragile glass in the whole wide world, cause people still keep on demand something from me and the world just is as it is. And then I die a little.

When there's too much of everything I die a little. This means I first start to feel heavy weight around my heart....I stop talking and move away from crowds and people. I have my alone times, maybe I even run away a little bit, but when I feel like that I don't want to be in a way...my heart beat rises then and in the past I got scared and bascially experienced some hard core anxiety, now I know they're just feelings knocking on my heart, wanting to go out. Then my legs start to shake and I need to move it. I rarely can sit still....and then I fight with myself for some time - timeline depends on where I am and specially who I'm with...and then I try to describe my feelings with words and when this happens, I start crying. I cry out my pain and emotions, cause so far, this is the only way I know. For a long time I didn't cry at all...I think I started to cry maybe some three years ago..before I was a rock. Cause you know, if anyone, then I'm "allmighty and can do anything"...people expected this of me and I didn't want to let them down so I sucked it up and it passed. That was before 2014 and old me.

It hasn't happened to me in a while now, but last Saturday, on a perfect sunny day in the midst of mountains with two very special people around me, I died a little. Strong tough me, broke down. I was walking up hill when I finally admitted to myself one of my biggest fears. That for the rest of my life, I won't have the chance to be soft, that I won't have opportunity to be gentle me, cause you see, I need to feel safe that this comes out. And just now I can do this when I'm alone and for the last year one very very special friend is allowed in my world, when I crash and can't take it no more. And I have had two experiences now, when two other people were there when this happpend. They both know me really well and I have shared many of my intimate stories to them. And guess what I felt - shame. I was ashamed of myself, crying and thinking I can't take it anymore and that probably these special people around me will think...well what would they think I have no idea, but in my head, this just wasn't allowed. To cry and admit I'm weak is not on my map...wasn't, I'm drawing it on my map just now, writing this, admitting again...and again and again. And this made me observe myself even more....

Of course Universe wouldn't be my sacred friend if it wouldn't bring me the week I have had. When many of brave strong women and excellent friends I have in my life, died a littel die too. Broke down crying, that it's too much and can't fake it anymore. Can't keep up with the look that they're these strong tough women who have everything under contral and can handle it all, cause guess what - we can't and what's more importan we can't when we feel alone or are alone or don't have right people around us - and we can have excellent girl friends and they know how we feel, know what to say, but all we crave for is strong man's hug and simple words: It's all going to be okay! Yep, honest confession, we need somebody. We're also just simple souls, who can take up any challange, but need to hear these few words, need to know where our safe spot is and which hands can wipe away this heavy tears. What I wanted to tell is, that I really hope that people will stop asking of women to be tough and strong and brave and can do just about anything. Don't get me wrong here, I still think we can do things we have never imagined, but not alone and under all circumstances, because we lost ourselves. Every woman I talked to lately, gave the same exact answer what do they miss and don't get: hug, compassion and words it's all going to be OK and all that while feeling safe.

I'm not sure what I'd write for the end....maybe the fact that this world really is crazy, cause we lost ourselves in men's world. But then again luckily we're on the path of finding ourselves again. We just need some encouragement and feeling of security. And we need to be kept in hug even if at the beginning it seems we're refusing it. Try holding us and don't let us go for 30s...count it and then tell me what happens. And we need time and honest words, safe spot to share our emotions. And yes, we need to know we can die a little, cause then, knowing all this, we'll let down our guards too.

So on Saturday, I died a litlle. And I still feel exposed and confused....kind of naked actually. Cause there's someone new who got an insight into broken me...and I don't like to be broken and to see broken myself, what even for this somebody to see me like this...And I'm still thinking where's this line between cheeky, flirty and energetic me, who wants to do everything and try everything and do everything and me, being the same me, but because that's my shield, my protection in front of the crazy world we live in and who scares people around and then this 3rd version of me, this soft, scared and gentle me, who only comes out when she feels safe and cherished and undestood and accepted...can she be around more often? Can she be around also in the Office, when this 4th version of me comes out? All I know is, that I'll try to die a little some more, cause this will mean I'm more in contact with my emotions and my inner me...and then after some time, maybe I won't need to die a little, but have a nap instead...