Life and the Game

 

Now, when Im starting to write this post, I don't really know what I want to say, what the message of this blog will be, but I felt I need to write it, so I'll just follow the flow of writing. Right now I'm reading a book I randomly picked in the library. This is how I choose books. I don't have a reading list, I just love libraries and book shops and when I go through, touching books, opening them, checking pages, cover, I pick random ones. And reading for sure is something I can't live without. It's a world that pulls me away from reality when I need an escape, or a source of new knowledge, comfort, shelter, a place where sometimes I can live the life I'd wish to happen in reality. It's with travel books that I've experienced some of the best moments of my life, cured my soul when reading some others.....My flat is full of shelves having pretty much nothing on but books. Travel books, cooking books, novels, exercise books, soul searching, philosophy, soap operas, poems....I love poems lately, more and more actually. All the emotions poems can express...Im just speechless.

Anyway, my point is to share with you, that just now I'm reading a book I randomly chose. It's Title is "Me Before You". It's a story about a young man, my age, full of life, "joie de vivre". Until one common day, he gets hit by a motorbike and becomes a tetraplegic. Stuck on a wheelchair with no possibility to move legs or hands. Meaning he can't live without a 24-hr care of somebody...helping him to eat, drink, go to toilet, dress, undress, give pills to reduce undescribed pain. So basically, what I asked myself is, what if tomorrow, I become him? What if tomorrow I wouldn't be able to do thing which I take for gratend. Living on my own, cooking Turkish coffee twice a day, yoga on my old rather used a bit smelly orange mat, walks in my forest to my magic oak tree, cooking for my friends, holding a glass of wine I love. Not being able to feel anything on my body, from chest down. The hell, no more pain of the Brazilian wax, aching feet from a night, danced away, no more shiver when somebody kisses my belly. Not being able to strech in the bed in the morning, taking a hike to my favourite top, diving in the ocean and let the waves carrying me. Not feeling goose bumps when I like some one or something. I wouldn't be able to ride horses or carry around my nephew.

And then my next question is, what kind of a life do I live now? What are the things I don't do, cause I'm afraid I won't look good in the eyes of others, or maybe look ridiculous while I stroll around in my dad's old jeans, torn t-shirt and messy curls of mine. Why the hell would I even be in any relationship, where I don't feel loved and cherished. Why waisting a minute of watching TV, when I can be reading about something possibly chaning the current of my life. Why not trying to enroll into every crazy stupid classes I ever wanted. But this means no more excuses of having no time, or energy. No more wondering what somebody else might say, think or do. It means we need to discover what do we want from life, what makes us happy, what causes our heart to jump up and down from happines. It also means we need to sit down with ourselves to have a talk, whether the life we live, is something we really like? Do we really want to head into the direction we are heading? I'm not saying, you're not. I'm just suggestion you check your coordinates.

And the what also pops into my mind is, the conversation I had the other day with a rather good friend. He took me out for a dinner and we were chatting about random things, when all of a suddon, he starts explaining how I lost touch with reality, If i really think, I can do things in life, which make me happy. How I need to "play the game". Yes, this was something which really was interesting for me to listen. So, here it goes. Aparently I'm the looser in all relationships I have in my life in advance, being work, romantic, friendly etc, because I don't play the game. Because I don't bargain and blackmail when it comes to geting a raise, or becuase I dont play "hard to get" with men, or because I dont do roles in friendship. And it went on, I live in an illusion, believing I can make a difference and thinking life can be something more than just "time we need to pass by". You know what, screw you! This is your reality and your pathetic small town life, please be "real", cause me, I'll chase my dreams till the day I die! And who are you to say to me, or speaking of which, who ever from us to tell others, how to live their life? How do we know, what all have they been through, but maybe we just don't know all their life details (yet)? How can we even think to know what's best for others and how we know what's the trick behind it?

I admit, I tried to play the game, but seemed more and more stupid to myself every day! Why on Earth would I want to play the game with life and God and think I'll beat it?! Who am I to play on people's emotions? And you know what? Where I am today, is a result of being honest and NOT playing the game. All the promotions in any part of my current or past careers, came because of hard work, dedication and honesty. All the beautiful relationships I've been in, were never based on faking, playing games or trying to be/do/ something I'm not. And I have never ever regretted any single thing I've done or said. You can say I'm naive, but since when is honest prohibited by law? You can say, I'm a dreamer, but then who's made any changes in the past: the ones who conform or the ones who follow their dreams? And what is even more, I feel a bit sorry for this person. Cause I know he'll never use his ful potential, I hope he'll love and be loved as he wishes for.

I really believe that all this again comes from our fears to really live our life. That playing "the game" is just a framework where we think we can control the situation but in reality and from Life's perspective we look stupid. Sorry, to say so, but we really do. And it also means, we don't trust life to take care of us. And especially bacause I went through, what I went through in the last few years, I hope through the life I will be able NOT to ever ever play the game. Even if this means I live in illusions and am a looser in advance. But guess what, if I ever am a tetraplegic, I never ever want to wonder "what if"...Screw everything, I just want to live my life and have no regrets!

The battle of the Heart and the Head

It's been exactly a week ago, when I spent two days with very special people in my life. People I actually don't know for a very long time, yet they always make me laugh, I guess they accept the whole package of me and my "never ending stories of energies and faith etc etc", I trust them, I think I can easily say completely trust them. I knew something like this would happen, even before we met...I felt it that day and just wanted to see how deep our talks will go. Three guys, two girls. And sometime between 10pm and 2am, a very important debate start. One about the battle of our heart and head, soul and mind. a very very important debate and since I keep on hearing sentences that one can't tell what's the voice of the heart and the one of head, and more importantly which one to trust, I decided I really need to write about this, about what I reckon as the most important guidance in our life. For me, knowing the difference and following my heart and intuition is like a lighthouse in the darkest storm. For me, this is not just philosophy or theory, but way of living. One that makes me strange in other people's eyes, one that scares people around me easily, but I don't think I'll even give it up. Why? Because it calms me, it makes me feel secure, I don't have second doubts, I dont questions my life moves, deeds, words...I rarely have "what if" moments. So here it goes.

The voice of the head always has scenarios. If I do this (let's name it X), then what can happen are opetions A, B and C. The story goes on, by us thinking that option A for sure if correct, cause this is the advice I got from very "wise" people, it needs to work! But then, option B, is what is actually expected from me, what I think I need to do! After all, I read about this, this how I was raised and this is what one needs to do, period, no questions asked. But then again, this option C would give me stability/is simple/the easiest was for sure etc etc. Head always takes other people's opinion into the story, it's never just about you, but more importantly, how you are going to look on the out side. How are you going to argument your decisions. The voice of the head is never quiet. It keeps on talking and talking and talking and for head it's never easy! How?!?!?! Good things are never easy, because this is just not how it's suppose to be. Good things in life are surely complicated and need at least ten people to solve them. Head will never bring you peaceful sleeping, but will cause waking up in the middle of the night asking and wondering the same thing over and over again...questions like "Am I doing this right?" are constantly by your side. Head gives you restnessless, doubts, stomach ache, you stop trusting yourself. Head follows the crowd, because that means safety and acceptance. Head is afraid of changes, of doing something differently and needs to have argumentation. Argumentation is key for head. Everything needs to be reasoned and supported by arguments. And what Head also very afraid of is failure. What if I don't make it...what then? It's best I don't even try! Really? Are you really sure about it?

But then there's heart. Heart is light and fluffy. You feel it where it is, your heart. Heart always always knows the answer even before heads starts to think, it gives you answer even before you actually comprehend it in your mind. The moment a questions pops up in your head, heart already has the asnwer. Heart doesnt need approval of others, or following everyone around. Normally it even deviates from this, because heart always knows what's best for you. Heart makes you feel happy and full of energy, you smile when you think of what heart wants. And the decision is instinctive. It fast and strong. It doesnt need 10 hours of conversation with 10 different people to figure it out. Heart knows. And note this, if you wonder about something over and over again, this is not heart's decision, this is mind playing tricks on you. Heart jumps in, because sometimes you need to jump and see what happens. Following your heart means you always give yourself out there and see what happens. Sometimes it can hurt, but it's never as bad as when following your head. And you never ever wonder what if...and wondering "what if" for the rest of your life is slow painful torture. What if I asked her out? What if I stayed? What if I told him he means the world to me? What if I quit my job and start my own business? What if I went out on my own tonight? What if I booked tickets to Australia? What if once for a change I would speak my heart out? Heart doesnt do that. If you feel it, you don't need arguments, you don't need to explain it to nobody why you decided like you have....it's just becuase you felt it, felt it close to your heart. Not in your stomach, but near heart, and the feeling is warm, it tickles a bit, gives you goose bumps. And your body can shiver a bit, but shiver in a good way, not like you're going to throw up. When people say, they've done something instinctive or following their guts, well that's heart talking. If you ignore your heart for too long, you get sick. At first it's just a cold, telling you, stop, take a break, see what's going on around you, but then it can grow into something more serious.

So now, we know in theory, what the head says and what the heart. And then the big question, which is the great mistery to 99% of people, how do you separate between the two? What's heart talking and what the head? How do I know which of them is telling me what. One of the greatest advices I ever received at a leadership seminar and which explains very simpl, how you need to decide (especially the big decisions in life) is like being a kid again. All you need is a coin. One side of the coin, says yes I'll do X and the other side of the coin, says no, I won't do X. Now sit down, take a deep breath and think of one thing you don't know what you want to do and you can't decide. Choose which side of the coin is yes and which side of the coin is no. Now throw the coin, but before you do so, be aware of your emotions. Be aware of your inside....just be aware of it, of your stomach and your heart, of your muscles. Now throw the coin and the very split of second when you see the result, be aware of what you felt....before your head plugs in...waaaay before. Do you want to throw that coin again, to get the decision you really want? Or are you reeeally happy, that you got the rights side of the coin? Now feel (don't think, I repeat, don't think) of what went on inside you...this feeling around your heart, saying yeeees, it's just what I wanted and you head hasn't started to doubt this. Or is it this painful feeling in your stomach, saying, uuuuugh I didn't really want to get this. So this is it...this is the first step taking you to what heart feels like and what head. The same thing is when we were kids and took a daisy and went "he loves me, he loves me not" or "she loves me, she loves me not", and in the end you knew exactly whether you liked the end or not. So you see, these emotiones haven't changes. You still have them inside you, you just don't wanna hear them. And you can, it's in it.

This very special sound of heart or intuition is what makes us special and different from other species in this free world. That's why we have a thing called free will and that's also why we are, where we are, faced each and every one with our own lessons. To start listening to ourselves and our heart. Hear is never wrong, how can it be, if it's connected to our soul and something greater. Now, I know you're asking yourself, uuu what does she know, there's no real argument that following the hear is what is right. And my answer to this would be, do an experiment. Do things one month by following your head and then do things for one month, by listening your heart and you tell me, what has made you happy? And more importantly, where has life brought you? And I have to warn you, it might be tough at the beginning, head (ego) doesn't like to be moved from its throne, some people might not like you anymore, because you won't follow then like a heard of sheep, some people can even leave your life, but looking from a distance, you will finally become free. You will finally start listening to yourself and step on the path of your real life. And what I also want to point out here is, the more suppressed feelings you have, the more difficult will it be to start hearing your heart. And at the beginning you will often have bad conscience about doing  what you're doing, becuase this is not, how you've been taught. But trust me, eventually when you'll learn to listen to your heart, you would just die, if you'd follow any other path. And you will be happy, trully happy. Not just on the outside.

Another question a dear friend, who's started to question his life path, decisions, point where he's at, at the moment, has also asked me is, how do I know I haven't done everything in my life, because I was told so or because it was expected of  me? And the answer is quite simple. Do you know, how you feel, when you were a kid and they made you eat broccoli or salad which you hated? Yes? I'm sure you know :). My question to you now is, when you have made decisions in life, did you ever felt like that? If you have, then some of them might have been wrong, if you haven't you're just where you need to be. And it's only up to you, how you're going to live for the rest of your life. I really have no slightest doubt, that we all know when we do something wrong and how we feel at that very moment. And this should be your starting point. Build it from there. Take baby steps and be aware of your feelings and inside every day when you take decisions even like choosing which cheese to buy at a supermarket, becacuse this is a great exercise for the big thing. And with the big thing, always always remember the very first feeling you got, when you hear a certain (commonly) a questions. Before you start questioning a million thing. The feeling, if you had to decide in half a second. That's your heart. And that's what you need to follow.

Loving yourself

My first blog in 2016!
I missed wiritng, yet in the past month it feels to me like earthquakes have been shaking my inside every single day. But this was not a bad shake, this was a shake which actually casused building inside me. Strong, solid foundations which are here to stay for good. And I needed this time to discover what is there different inside me. And slowly im seeing it. And I'm really happy about it. Im sure a moment will come when i'll share this with you, but for now it's my baby and I need to keep is safe.

I think it's no coincidence that my first blog in 2016 is about love. About love which in my opinion needs to be with us 24/7, come first and should never go anywhere. Love which is given to us when we are born and which we loose when growing up. Love which is the hardest to get and easiest to loose. Love which demans your dedication every day for the rest of your life. Without it we're nothing, with it, we can do anything in the world. This very special type of love is called "Loving yourself".

Today I'm writing this blog having in mind two very special souls in my life, two who stick to me no matter what, so this blog is dedicated to you. Because Im in pain looking how you torture yourself sometimes, because you need to love yourself more! Its because I cant always be next to you to tell you this, and maybe you'll save these lines to your phone and read it when you need to - and you surely do know when this moment comes. But since I have noticed that loving ourselves is something we are all afraid to do, even though we need it the most and since you are not alone in this, I decided to share my next words with the world.

The big question today is, how to love yourself? What does loving yourself mean? Why are you so hard on yourself?

Loving yourself is something which today's society, especially where I live, hates, prevents and denies. It's because loving yourself means, that one thinks and feels with his or her own head and heart. It means you don't follow the crowd and you dare to stand up to yourself. It means that you are not afraid to say NO to all the things and people you dont feel right about. It means you  dare to follow your dreams. It means that sometimes, even if its difficult as hell, you say goodbye and move on, cause you know you came to a point, when you're empty and have nothing more to give, despite the fact you still love somebody. Or at least you think this is love....It means you admit to yourself your flaws and stop looking for excuses in life. It means you accept yourself for who you are, the whole package, each and every inch of your body and soul. It means you finally change that job you hate, sign up for sawing class, pack your bag and go. It means that you buy yourself a bouquet of flowers just beaucse you feel so. It means you to go to the cinema by yourself or stay in your PJs whole day and read that soap-opera book you dont have the courage to admit you actually like. It means you refuse other to treat you like self-evident, because you're not!!! You're special and unique and deserve other to treat you, like you treat them. If you give, you deserve to get. If you love, you deserve to be loved!!! My dear readers, this doesnt mean you're egoistic or egocentric, it just means you love yourself and you are setting healthy boundaries in your life. Boundaries which in long-run will protect you of loosing yourself and trust me on this one, loosing yourself is one of the most difficult things in life.

So all I want to really say is, start loving yourself. Take yourself out on a date. Be in a relationship with yourself first and then deep into a one with who you feel right about. Do every day one thing to and with yourself, for which you wish somebody else would do it. But first, get rid of all unhealthy relationships around you - we had this lesson already: you need to make room for new people and events to come into your life.

Dare to scream to the world I LOVE MYSELF FIRST!

A year behind and one ahead

Hmmmm what to write about 2015 that I havent already written and put out there for you to read. What is there that I still need to say out loud.....

One year just passed and one is ahead of me. So many experienecs I received in 2015, so many emotions popped out, so many people I've met, words which have been said out loud. So many messages sent, blogs and emails written, so many wishes and fears expressed. So many solo evenings and dates with my friends. I don't think I would have ever said this a few months ago, but 2015 was one of the best years in my life. One that made me grow up and started to love myself. Yes, I think this was the biggest lesson, to accept me for who I am. With all my flaws and screwed up editions and cried out hours, but then again me, with my soft soul and this urging need to help people and just be there for them when no body else is and when they don't even know how to be alone with themselves. 2015 was a vivid year. I had to stand up for myself. Every day, every hour and every moment. I fell many many times, but then again I got up many many times too. I started to make my dreams come true and even though I still dont quite know how will I get there, I know that my intution knows the way and I'm learning how to be patient and wait. And sometimes also stop and not just wait. I felt disappointed and surprised, betrayed and loved, sexy and ugly, capable and incapable. I felt like queen and like the ugly duck, I was on the stage and on my kneews sometimes to get there. Yet I never gave up. I needed help, I admit. I wouldn't be able to do it on my own, I'm not allmighty - thank god, I have the guts to admit that too. I met Jack the bear and my two wolves. They're alway here when I need them and Jack has all the answers. Friends showed their true colours. Each and every one of them. I'm endlessly grateful for that.

Yeah, I doubt one has many 2015-s in a lifetime.

As a difference to last year, I start 2016 calmer. Very calm actually. Stronger. Much more confident. Again in love with life. With a renewed faith in God. With strange wishes: I wish to climb a certain mountain which ever since I was a little girl seemed as unreachable to me and in 2016 I will stand on top of it and shout I can do it. I can climb up there. I wish to again sit in a plane and leave the life to seduce me and never let me go! And my biggest wish is to help more people realise they're not alone. To make them feel they have life to live, to show it's okay to be weak, to cry and not to have all the answers. I wish to be there for them, when they start walking. Baby steps.

So in 2016 I wish you all to walk - not to stand still or run, but to do as many baby steps as you need to meet yourself and smile with your heart. I wish you the courage to start walking and persistance never to give up. You will stumble, you will fall, you will rest and on the way you will meet many different creatures from life and imagination, but never ever stop, because the view from top is worth it. At least that's what I was told, you see, I'm walking too, just by your side.


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My Friends - My All

This is the song which reminds me of you

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2VbODnX0dVs

For a while now I wanted to write this blog, however timing or feelings weren't right and now they are. One has friends in life and one has FRIENDS. This one is for FRIENDS. For who you make me and how I feel when I'm with you. It's becuse you were my first or at least parallel therapy and listeners and it's because you stayed and didn't run away in my rough times. It's becuase you drove half a country to wish happy birthday. It's because you listen and surprise me. And it's mostly beucase you just love me, even when I don't love myself. My whole crazy package. Not just one version of me, and we all know there's a quite a few different editions of me. One for work, one for party, one for yoga, one for family, one for men, one for kids, one for sports, one for housekeeping, one for culture, one for art, one for music, one for dancing, quite a few for the rest of the world and yet, you respect all of me. Just me.

Throughout the last few years you have been my rock, my port, my all. There were moments:

• when I really wasn't myself,  and you were here for me
• when I was talking over and over and over again about one single issue and you listend for days, weeks or even months
• when I was me, but for sure not the best edition, and you were here for me
• when it was tough and I was cranky, and you were here for me
• when you wiped my tears
• when you made me laugh and when we lauged together
• when you shared big long hugs
• when we cooked and sang and danced
• when we had long soul-deep sonversations
• when you took me to places I have never been before
• when you called just in the moment when I needed them the most
• when even if we were seas and oceans apart you cared
• when you surprised me the way I alway wished for
• when we shared our fears and fought them
• when we giggled like in high school 
• when I was alone and lonely and you came - despite the late or early hour
• when you sent small crazy messages I will never forget
• you cooked me meals just to spoil me a little bit
• you brought me cookies for a nice day

 I could go on and on and on. And you my dear rare people are my soul mates.You know who you are, cause you're the first I share all of me with. You're my family, my all. Each and every one of you is special and I love you for who you are, just the way you are and I wouldn't change a thing on you!

It's because I know I can turn to you, trust you with my life and know that you will always stand by me and protect me. It's because I can trust you all my feelings and thoughts and plans and dreams and even though you know I want to do thousand things at the same moment, you wait for me to decide or sometimes you decide for me. It's simply because you have been here for me when I needed you. When this transformation thing went on and yet, you were still next by me. And trust me, a lot of people weren't by my side, when all I needed was somebody to talk to, express what I feel and what's going on in my crazy head and lean on, get a hug. It's because you are happy for me and all the little steps I have made. It's because you always encourage me to go, try, do. And it's mostly becuase you all take me for who I am. Simple.

It's becuase you know I know plenty of people, but it's mostly because you know, there's only a few I will stick to forever. Each and every one of you basically met me in one of the phases of my life: when we were 3 and played in our grandparents' gardens, when we shared toys at kindergarten, when we were falling in love for the first time in primary school, when Friday night was THE day of the week at high school, when we danced quite some nights away at the University, when I was settling in a new country and you took me places and shared your home, when I actually hated you at the beginning, yet you are one of my dearest people in this world and you helped my find my first job, when you simply knew who I am after looking at me and always will know how I feel after just one look, when you gave me advice I will always cherish and you were right and naive me was wrong. And throughout all these years we went thorugh storms and rainbows only life can paint and it's because of you, I am who I am today.

It's because I can be myself with you and be calm. And even when I'm not calm, you understand. It's because you didn't go away when I was searching for myself and mostly because I feel each and every one of you. It's because you were with me during all the important events of my life, especially my birthdays and it's because you never miss it. It's because we sent packages to each other when we're 10 time zones apart and it's because sometimes you know who I am, when I forget.

And it's because I know what is ahead of us is great! We'll laugh, we'll cry, we'll travel, we'll settle, we'll move, we'll change, we'll grow, we'll fall, we'll get up, we'll cook, we'll chill, we'll work and what's important we'll be here for each other!

What I really want to say is, that I'm endlessly greatful for each and every one of you and I love you till the end of the world and back. And it's because you have been there for me I promise I will always try my best to be there for you too.

26.11.2014 : 26.11.2015

I would say it was the most difficult thing to admit to myself. Sometimes when some heavy feelings come back it still is. It had to cut my body. I cried laying on the floor. Pretending like they're not here could not last any more. It seems strange to me today how scared I was of confrontation with myself. It's me, just me. I remember like it was yesterday. It was two days before I had plans to go for backpack travel with my friend. It was almost like today, when things slightly calmed down and the hectic every-day with adrenalin pumping in my veins. I broke down. I cried. I cried a lot. It hurt my whole body, my soul, tears just pouring out and no way to stop them. My solar plexus was hot as summer sun, legs hurt, eyes tired and swollen. I did not know what more to do. And then it was evening and I was switching TV channels and I really rarely watch TV. And there it was. The sign, when all was clear to me: a short TV clip on how therapy can change your life. And at first I thought to myself, ok this is it. I'm officially crazy, I lost it, that's it.

I still feel like this sometimes. Just today actually, when it was overload of everything, but this time I left my legs to shake, tears to fall, soul to speak, hands to write. I admit that just now in this very moment I miss a hug. Someboday to say, all will be okay, so I'm saying it to myself. #allisaokay

My main purpose actually isto say, It's exactly a year since my first therapy. I chose my therapist as always by coincidence. My mum suggested a few good ones and then I I trusted my instinct. It took a month from my decision to the first visit. It was a month like from hell. Then I went. I stepped into this old flat in the midst of the city. Floor was bending, everything smelled of old. Dark red curtins are hung before I entered. I felt almost like I'm going to enter to a magician's room...well in some ways he has been my magician. It was 20min of polite conversation, in which we exchanged basic information. What's wrong, how it gets fixed. Honestly I had no idea what to expect. And then our second meeting, the first full hour. I was crying after 20min, but finally somebody was there for me. Just for me. It was my 50min, just mine. For the first time I felt like somebody is listening. I felt somebody is there for me, just me. He has elaborated what I couldn't comprehend. He gave me the credit I never got. He has slowly been giving me the feeling I am special. And I am, I know now I am. And you are too.

He is older, of course. He is special, just like me. He doesn't live a life he should, the kind I imagine people would expect from him, at least that's what I fell when Im next to him. I wrote in one of my blogs he was my port in the wildest storm of my life. He really has been, still is here and there. I don't really know how this therapy-relationship should look like, have no idea, but I have a feeling this one isn't just quite a common one. He always knows how to get rid of all my own expectations of how I should be, cause he somehow knows that's not who I am. I can be angry or sad or dissapointed there. I can also be happy and joyful. I grew up in this old room, sitting on the sofa. I fell apart, left my old me there. With his help I realised things I knew but were burried under too many emotions, I grew strong. I got myself back.

At the beginning I didn't dare to say to anyone I'm seeing a therapist. I didnt want to admit this to myself. It made me strange, not adequate, not fitting in, being different, not like the crowd. Today I'm saying to the world.: yes I have needed help. I couldn't be this strong tough me, and I can't be. Not even today and not like that, but stronger differently. I've needed somebody to hear me, cause this was the only way I started to hear myself. My thoughts, emotions. My higher self, my soul. To see and feel my dreams. To follow intuition and not what other people say around me. I am enough.

And so today it's me, and my bear and my wolves. I'm still not ready for to meet the bull. And I respect my emotions, my soul and my dreams. Even tough sometimes I still catch myself trying to fit in and not to experience all this. Yet I have. As my dreams showed me the other day, I went thorugh initiation. I saw myself as an Indian shaman, sitting next to a fire, eagle was my spirit.

That travel in Fall 2014 was beginning of the travel into the depths of my soul and its biggest lesson was materialisation. Exactly what was inside me, appeared on the outside. Chaotic traffic, hot sun, steamy stinky air, something new and unknown yet beautiful behind every corner. Climbing to a rock I will never ever forget. Signes from God sent every morning and every day. A driver whose name is Good Karma, feathers all round - angels where there with me.

And I haven't done any travelling basically outside my country since then, but I made the most important travel in my life so far - I travelled to meet me. And there were rocks and steamy air, fire and bombs all around...some days they still are, but this is the path of rebirth and it's never easy and sometimes you think like you're going to die.

Ha interesting enough, I always dreamed of going for a year-long travel....I guess my dreams came true #allisaokay

"The most beautiful jewel is tempered in the hottest fire and dipped in the coldest water." 

(Leilah Tiesh)

Why?

How many times have you asked this question in your life? Three letters...W H Y. Probably million times...

If I wanted to explain, what has been hapenning to me in last weeks, I could write a book. Happening around me and inside me. Events, emotions, people, relations, relationships. But I know it's all okay. I feel it. All is happening for a purpose, to check my reactions. Have I learned anything or haven't I. And this time I choose me. Just me. For the first time in my life.

There's so much I'd want to write out just now, yet it's too much too soon. When some things should be right, but aren't. Can't be. Not yet. When all seems right. And then why pops out. Why is this even happening then? Why such events when for the first time I'm letting it be, letting it all go with the flow. Maybe some times life just wants me to see, it can happen. It's is out there. Not just yet ready for me, but it does exist. So that I can see, what I wish for, can happen, but it's not yet ready, not in a form ready for me.

But in life it doesn't all depend on us. In any kind of relation, being at work, with friends, lovers, family, it's always somebody else on the other side. And all you can do is follow your own truth, your own intution and have faith, trust. Knowing that it's all here to teach me, us, something.

So maybe this is the time, to stop asking myself why, but to simply accept everything as it is. Simple as that. Just like it is. And wait some more, to see what life has prepared for grand finale of year 2015. So perhaps you should also just wait and see. Put yourself out there and have faith. Trust God it sees the big picture.

Remember, you can't connecting the dots looking forward, you can only connect them looking backwards. Just be honest to yourself and trust yourself.