Expectations

There are two major topics just now in my life that I'm dealing with, one is feeling and going with the flow and the second one are expectations. I think that a vast majority of conflicts in our lives we have is simply just becuase of expectations, the ones we have towards each other and towards ourselves. Shakespear put it nicely: "Expectation is the root of all heartache."

I remember exactly how this challange as my friend would say, came into my life. I was in my flat, having lunch with my somebody (if you don't know who somebody is, check my past blog ;)). And I was complaining over a certain situation with some people, how they don't understand, how they want me to act a certain way and do something I currently really don't feel and can't do, when all of a sudden it dawned on me, I'm completely the same. I have and have had many (way too many looking back now) expectations which only brought me pain. Actually they were wishes I pictured in my head for which I craved they would come true and by pushing them so far and so much, I more or less lost it all. Wishes turned into expectations which never were realised and only caused me pain, I then put it out on others and all I was left with, was regret and "what if-s".

I know now that expectations are all around us. Your boss has expectations of how you'll work and you have expectations of how things will be done. We have expectations of how food will taste and how advertised perfume will smell. We even have expectations of how the weather will be like, when they say it's gonna be sunny and warm tomorrow. But we never go so far to ask ourselves what is warm for me, is not necessarily warm for you. What I expect to happen and wish for, is most likely not something you wish for too. What I want to do on vacations is not how you picture you'll wander around this beautiful world of ours. We are surronded with expectations 24/7. Just be aware of all the commercials you see, all the adds you're surronded with, all the advices you read and "must-dos" you see on social media. All the signals of pressure we keep on receiving on a very subconsious and unaware way. It happens constantly! Expectations of how we need to look like, what to do to be happy, what a "percet" realationship is, even what a proper life these days looks like. Well you know what, stop watching TV, buying magazines and look straight when driving on the highway!

And now the big questions, what to do? How not to expect anything ever again?

Well let's be honest, unless we're Buddha or Jezus, I highly doubt we'll be able to live life completely withouth expectations, but we can try. I'm sure you know your inside and how it feels, when you have expectations. What I do is try to be in the moment. Try not to wish for to much or actually do wish for it but then wait for the cosmic kitchen to cook it and bring it to me. Or at least when I am disappointed over something or somebody, I ask myself why: is it becuase I pictured something in my head and this person didn't do/say/feel/react the way I pictured it's going to be or do I really have ground to be mad at somebody or something. I think you can imagine what the most common answer to this questions would be.

So as of today, I'll try even more not to expect, not to have any script written down in this head of mine, cause commonly I'd be just disappointed and I think that life in the end still is way too beautiful to treat it this way. And I'm also sure, well actually this was proved for several times in my life already, that if I trully really want something, it'll come to me, when i'll least expect it and in a form I never thought it could be materialised - and by this I think even more beautiful.

And yes, I'm sure if we'd all have one expectiation less per day in our life, doesn't matter about what, the world would be a much happier place to live in and what's more, we, each and every one of us, would be a much nicer and happier person. And don't you wanna be happy?

Gratitude

I love reading. That's part of me which I adore the most. My curious nature, keeps on wanting to explore everything and next to travelling and talking to people my favourite way to do, it is to read. Already when I was a little girl, my dad took me to his school's library and I picked books. Books to read. I don't quite know how I chose them in the past, I know I need to feel it now. And after strolling around library for about an hour I picked so many books my dad had problems carrying them back to the car. I always smelled them, touched them and they had a special place in my room, so I could look at them. And although I moved around a lot, I always took books with me. It's books that remind me who I am and what I love. The problem was when returning home and my luggage was always over-weighted just because of all the new book I bought. And I know exactly where I bought each book I have or whose gift is it. Lately what I read most are all kind of spiritual books and guides and self-help and ezotheric reading. All kinds, from every part of the world. And you know when you read a book and while doing so you think to yourself, OK I have this figured out, hmmmm this is an interesting point, yes I do understand this, ok this part lost me and I guess I'm not ready yet etc etc etc...And I always came to a point which I didnt really believe or I had no idea how on earth all religions of this world and greatest spiritual leaders write about and it's called universal love and eternal gratitude. There two concepts were always a mistery to me and I though that only great minds have the ability to really feel it and understand. To have this endless feeling of love just by sitting somewhere, being alone and not doing anything.

And today I'm grateful. I'm endlessly grateful that actually I can feel a tear of pure joy on my cheek just now, because of what I can feel in this very moment. It's called unconditional gratitude and yes, this special feeling of universal love. In my mind that's called "feeling life". And I feel life and gratitude for it. I have this easy smile on my face, feeling in my heart and no questions in my head. When miracles have been happening in my last week. When I have a feeling that all the good things I did in my life for others are somehow coming back to me. When I just feel the universe in me and I'm endlessly grateful for all my life experiences and challanges and obstacles. I think that for the first time in my life I'm actually proud of myself and who I am. I feel the love to live and life itself and the more I spread my love and energy around, the more I get it in return when I least expect, actually don't expect at all.

Ever since I can remember I had this feeling inside me, when I felt if people need me and how do they feel and what do they need. Lately of course and with the development of my being it's easier for me to understand what's been going on, but in the past I just helped people. My intuition and sense of morality have been highly developed. I had to curve it a bit to know why am I doing something, but helping people in any possible way I can, is what i love the most and what I know will be doing all my life. In the past month I was faced with many situations when people called me, came into my life when needed me...anyhow I helped them. I didn't really do much, I was just there for them, talked to them, took time and listened. And I really mean listened. And what i got in return was gratitude and love. Maybe they're not even aware of it, but when receiving the messages and sincere thanks, all I felt was love and gratitude. And I have experienced some of the most beautiful moments with people around me, when again I felt grateful to have the opportunity to enjoy the nature and talks and laughs and also cries...because we are made of all this. Good moments and bad ones. And I am grateful for those as well. And all this was expressed without anything in return. Nobody wanted anything in return - neither I nor people around me. In the end there are always two words which have been changing me lately and my sould and what I do and what I want to do in the future: thank you.

Thank you Life. I'm grateful for my friends who stayed in my life when I was at my lowest, I'm grateful for new relationships at my work which are sincere I can again have some people around me to whom I can turn to. Thank you for sporty days and lazy afternoons, cooking dinners and being invited to some. Thank you for listening to me and sharing your deepest thoughts and emotions in the middle of the night. Thank you for sticking with me, when I know I took your energy and didn't give anything in return. Thank you for the supportive words and honest hugs. Thank you for helping me moving boxes and reparing the little things in my apratment. Thank you for being there at me when I was shouting and crying and thought I'm going to die when driving on the highway and  you didn't run away. Thank you for watching sunsets and sunrises with me. Thank you for being part of my life and making me who I am now so I can write this blog. Thank you also for the tough times, cause without this I couldnt feel what I feel just now.

What I actually wanted to say in the first place is that I know this very moment what all the books were about. What do they mean when they write about universal love and gratitude as the most important ingredients of life. I feel it. So in the end, when you don't know why you're fighting for or feeling low, know that this is a very unique path you're on, nobody has yours, we each have our own, but in the end it's worth it. I'm just a human being, go to work, have to cook and clean and pay the bills, yet a living proof it can happen, one moment you can feel gratitude and love. And trust me, it's such a feeling I'll remember for the rest of my life. And this is also why I will keep on going...for this moment and this feeling.

I feel me. I feel love. I feel Universe. I feel Life.I feel thank you.

And it came

Listen.

And it came. I craved for it for a long time, for so many months, maybe even years and now it's been here for some weeks. This unbelievable feeling of peace and serenity in my heart. It feels surreal and I dare to hope and believe it's here to stay a while.

It didn't come without a fight. A very intimate and deep fight even in my dreams, when black and dirty beasts fought between each other. And then there was the largest snake possible, trying to bite me and yet it was dry and my best friends told me, it's dead, gone.....it was dry like fall leaves. And the beasts rolled down the hill. And then I was standing in the middle of the highway, a place which brought out the deepest emotions I had inside me, became wide and sunny. There was a voice behind me, saying I've made it. I came to an end and it's all okay. Awful storm behind me and peaceful clear sunset infront of me. And then I jumped from a cliff 7m deep into the sea and opened my eyes. And I wasnt at the bottom, but on the surface, and all I had to do was breathe. These were the crucial dreams I believe. A sign sent from up above and saying "hey you, you've made it. on to the next one".

And I became grateful that I can again have relaxed dinner with my friends and laugh until my bones hurt. That I can go out to a concert and not feel like i'm going to faint anytime. Go jogging and love it. Stroll around town and be a funky city girl who the next moment walks around forest barefoot and do all this while having a gentle smile on my face. And all this I can do free. Free of heavy emotions, shaking, tears, "what-ifs". Just me, but this time, a brand new me. And I cherish all these moments now. I no longer take them for granted, something that happens to everyone and is here to stay. And to remind me, that in life you need to keep on fighting. Fighting for moments, when you can watch shooting stars relaxed on top of a hill you've never been before, climbing up this special spots, which open a brand new perspective and with new people around. When random cooking in the middle of the week make an evening special, surronded by people you barely know, but feels like you've been friends forever.

I learend a lot from this chapter. I got to know the brave and strong me, the kind I never knew it actually exists. I know now, who my true friends are and I don't have any particular wish to socialize with the other ones. And what's the most important, I learned how to feel. Feel happy, sad, dissapointed, hurt, devastated, lonely, exciting, grateful, proud, scared and much much more. I learned what I believe each and every person needs to learn, especially before being a parent, cause the path to express feelings when you're three decades older is not something you'd crave for. This is a lesson, which made a profound impact to my being, my soul and my heart. It's something which changed me and fixed my broken inside. And I realised many of our family patterns, my parents traumas, cause I craved the most, what I couldn't get from them. And it gave me the courage to say out loud what I feel and think, to no longer keep it inside, "cause some people might not like it". Hey, you know what, I don't care anymore! I don't care if people don't like what I feel or think or how i'm dressed or what I do. If I feel it and I don't hurt people along doing it, I'm gonna swim naked and dance around and cry in public and sing out loud!

I still feel insecure sometimes though. Thinking all might come back, but then I always remember the dreams. The beasts and dry snake and I'm okay. Sometimes I still wish for that long comforting hug, but I learned that I first had to give it to myself. Put myself upfront before anybody else, before I can again give and accpet any other hug(s). And maybe, just maybe, that other special hug isn't far away...

Me, myself and I

How many times have you asked yourself who are you? And I don't mean labels like, a daughter, a friend, a lover, a sister, a grandmother, a mother, a colleague, a boss etc etc etc. And I also don't mean who you think you should be, who the world around thinks you are or who you plan to be in the future. Just answer to a simple questions: who am I?

For me having no asnwer to this questions at first came as a shock! How can I not have an answer to a question? And trust me, there are rare moments when I have nothing to say. How can I not know to the most basic questions there is in this world - who am I? And for a change I didn't start to dig in by using brains and elaborating all possible relationships and positions and memberships...nope, I used a different method, I started to realize what and how I feel? What were the first emotions popping up when asking this questions which I remembered and where were I, when this occurred?

Interestingly my intuition brought me abroad....it brought me to times, when I lived alone in a foreign country. When I allowed myself to be me. To walk around in a black hat, red lipstick and feel free. When there was no pressure of who knows you and who doesn't. When I was 20 and the world was mine. It brought me to Turkey, London, Berlin, rest of UK and the USA. It brought me to green trousers, pink laced socks and golden high heels. It brought me to Turkish-Greek gay-lesbian parties and shaking that bootie of mine. It brought me to undergournd Berlin parties and long tube stairways to clubs in London. It brought me to Turkish seaside and long travels around lonesome borders with end of Europe. It brought me New York bookshops and cafes, art galleries and concerts. It brought me to parks and lying on the grass and staring at clouds. It brought me to the jungle and lonely islands. Reading books and listening to crickets, eating dinners with friends. It brought me to the nature and my magic oak-tree. It brought me to horses and dogs. It brought me to kitchens and wine cellars. It brought me home.

So now my homework is to discover, which things I'm doing just now in life make me feel this way.

Fear of being successful and enjoying life

Well by now I kind of got used to living three different lives in parallel: one being the serious, responsible boss who needs to work under constant time-pressure and facing unknow and unpredictable situations, second when I'm just a friend, sister, daughter and living the family-role and then there's the third side, when lately it's all about exploring my innerside, emotions, family patterns and karma, learing on my reactions and actions.


For some time now I've been noticing strange feelings inside of me when all is okay and right and not under stress and I just cant relax completely. And then the same feelings come when I achieve something... I can't really say I'm feeling like it's prohibited, but constantly after I feel good or achieve my personal goal, I have a feeling something bad will happen. Something to kill my happines and smile on my face. Something to remind me, that life is about lessons and suffering and nothing comes without sacrifaction. And I hate it. I hate this creepy feeling which weighs my body down, which raises my heartbeat, which makes me go home early, which makes me feel I can't do something, I can't climg that stupid mountain I've been looking my whole life, which numbles my hands and legs when climbing up a horse! I hate it and I finally realised that fear from enjoying life and success does exist. I knooow, it sounds really stupid, but hey, if you're a reader of my blogs, then something like this can't really surprise you, right? :)

And so as of July 2nd, 2015 I decided to face yet another of my personal obstacles and this time start enjoying and being proud of myself. Start going out on long summer nights and enjoy sleeping in in the morning, to laugh at all the stupid things going on around me and let life seduce me again. Cause you see, I knew how to enjoy in the past. I was queen of living a dolce vita 24/7, but then something happened and I lost myself.

So you see, this summer will be all about seducing myself again. Brining out this fearless, flirty me, who loves cold with wine and long summer nights, watching shooting stars and listening to portuguese music, eating long dinenrs full of calories with friends, riding from sunlight to dawn, reading under a pine tree and sunbathing at 8pm when the beach is empty, the one that dances the night away and just is. This summer will be only and exclusively about me.

Different

For the last few months I am often confronted with some very specific questions: why am I different to sense everyone around me? Why do have to face emotional roller coasters aged 28? Why can't I have a normal relationship and a lot of people is scared of me? Why my  job isn't a simple classis when what you get on a desk is predictable? Why do I sometimes have to feel all these heavy emotions? Why is it difficult to even feel what I feel, what even to explain it to somebody who will understand? Will somebody understand? Why do I love being in nature and sleeping in and reading and not partying outside? Why is it sometimes so difficult to keep on moving and moving alone, when everyony around has somebody they can hold on to? Why so many whys?

And it goes back to my child years. Even then I was different, I never fitted in. And this is what I wanted so much, I still do actually - to fit in. I can't really tell why, probably because being one of them, makes me feel accepted, safe, confirmed, acknowledged, not alone. For some time I acted in a way to be accepted and was surronded by crowds not to feel alone and yet I ran away from myself and my own emotions.

You see and now I have to confront this feelings again and again and again. There are days when I feel great, when I  feel me, different me. But then there are days when all I wanna do is fit in. When I feel small and scared and lone. When facing what I have to face means a huge jump to me. And yet again Life was very straightforward and showed me, I can no longer fit in. I need to face this one more challange and admit to myself, that my life will never be like everybody elses. It never has so far, then why should it be now? This is something I will probably have to remind myself day by day:

 

Every end has a new beginning or why cleaning your closet means making space for new styling in your life

I think world is in a phase of an end and a very powerful begininng. This E&B began I'd say around 2009ish, for some a bit earlier and for some, it's here just now. And it's all okay. Human race has destroyed so much and caused so much pain and suffer and yet it still searches for relief on the wrong side of the story. You see, we have two sides of the same picture. You can either say that the big picture went wrong the moment we started to praise money and power and shopping and looks. When what you look like, became more important that what you feel and do and are. When you can buy people and sell them like a piece of meat. When power and money became the piedestal of the the most important value in people's lives. And then you can look from the other side, when people started to believe that what they wear and have is the most important thing in life. That owning and having and craving and demanding are the new daily motos. When end justifying any possible means is stepping on and over human being and its feelings and soul.

And now an end came. An end which for sure will not start from the top, but it will be a bottom-up process, for which I'm very certain is in its strongest phase just now. So many ends have happened in the past years, which were very painful yet brought relief. So many people around me have been crying their souls out to clean all the mess from the past decades. So many companies went bankruptcy beacuse they wanted to trick natural processes of life and many many more will follow. 

What I actually want to say today is, that every end brings a new beginning. And we are lucky enough to be born in a very special time. Time when powerful changes are happening, shaking the whole globe and every cell of our being. For better. Never forget this. Universe is very straightforward when it has enough. And ends are never pleasant. Every end brings many emotions, which we do not express daily and come in enormous quantities, if you can even quantify emotions. And all this is okay. My dear readers, be happy if your life has exprienced some ends in the past few years. It just means you're in line with the global process of cleaning. And be sincere to yourself, take some time and then ask yourself, aren you really better off now? Don't you really breathe more easily? And what's important it, it's okay to grieve. Actually it's a must! You need to cry out every end in your life, shout, scream, write....take all the time in this world you need. The magic formulae here is to know, that every person has a differing time-line of grieving and secondly, don't push it. Do whatever it takes, but don't push it to end as soon as possible. Take it really in, feel it, go deep...only then you will soon realise it doesn't hurt anymore. And it's not important if we talk about grieving for a relationship, job, favourite pair of jeans, travel you didnt go, concert you couldnt hear...just feel it, grieve it and you will automatically let it go.

You know, when your closet if full of clothes and when you still wannna put some new shirts in, at first they are all wrinkled and then you start pushing it it, and all of a sudden 10 other things fall out and you're face with nothing but cleaning out your closet. You take everything you have and throw it on the bed. And then slowly piece by piece you take a look at what you actually have! Surely you've forgotten you have so many nice clothes, but then on the other side there's sooooo many things you will never ever wear agian and you donate them to charity. And then you take time and put things in order, by colour and clothes type or just how it suits you. Of course, all of a sudden there's so much room in your wardrobe and why not do some small shopping and try out a new styling!

See, just like the closet example, the end works. You get rid of old habits, feelings, situations, work-load and make space for new challanges. But you can't really see, what's there that doesn't fit you, if you're not faced with an end or with a full closet. Why re-organizing everything if there's no need to?! Well Universe is just now in the middle of its season-changing cleaning and throwing out all the garbage there is and this is reflected also in our lives. And if cleaning out your closet, brings new styling you have been wanting for some time now, why accepting ends happening just now, wouldn't bring new beginnings which actually fit your perfectly?

I know my life just now loves dirty pink, which kicked out the dark blue and black. And dirty pink just needs to have some yellow and white. You see, I didn't only change spring-summer collection in my life, but put all I have in my life on the bed and did the finest selection ever. And my new start in life came. After quite a struggle and a very interesting journey indeed, this year I feel this summer again. No coincidence I'm writting this on the 1st day of meteorological summer. My month. My time of the year. Time when daisies bloom and grass has the most vivid shade of green. It's time of new people and events in my life.

It's all okay to have ends in life, cause they really do bring new beginnings. Always.

"Don't cry when the sun is gone, because the tears won't let you see the stars" (V. Parra).