Fighting for life

Current events in my life made me think, how do we consider fighting in life. Why some people fight for life even in situations where every normal person would give up and surrender and why some just cant find that special energy in themselves to keep on going? Is it the fact that it's not bad enough and ego plays tricks on us?

What I am facing right now is observing my own symptoms and feelings and thought on a person dearest to me in the world, yet I cannot help. I can give all the advice in this world, can put the feelings in words, suggest the best help one can imagine to get, yet I am useless and helpless unless this person decides to fight over and over again. Every day, every hour and every minute. I think this is one of the most difficult moments in life, when the ones you love are in pain and suffer and there's nothing you can do to help them - It's up to them. The decision to fight the pain lies on the shoulders of each individual. You can have all the money in the world, are surrendered with people who trully love you and basically have all the means possible to be "happy by the book", yet if you don't decide and I mean really deeply firmly decide, no one can help you.

My experiences showed me, I never really knew Life, or maybe not knew but appreciate. I took it for granted. I was fortuante enough for all my life to go just as I imagined. Best in class, great jobs, enough of money to travel the world and do the little shopping every girl needs, loving family, great friends...I wished and I received. I read plenty of spiritual books, though I have everything figured out. Of course I know what it means to have no expectations and live the life every moment. Being greatful for every moment I am here? Sureee I know it all. And then it came...slowly, firstly it appeared here and there. And then it was more and more often and could no longer be ignored. This unsteadiness in my heart. Heavy feeling which interupted my breathing, pain around the stomach. And then I faced some surface issues in my life, keep on blaming it on others and it was better. I thought again, ha i'm mastering this spiritual things. Yet it was still there, not cured at all and still very strange and unkown to me. And what surprised me is to have this feelings in moments of relaxation, when I left my guard down.

And this went on and off for a couple of years. Couple of years which made me be on stand-by 24/7. Fear grew, being relaxed - what is that? I felt I'm the only person in this world who's feeling this way. Like I was crazy and different and kept on asking why on Earth is this happening to me? Why can't I be like everybody else? All I want is the life I read about in magazines...what should be normal for a girl of my age! And the more I tried to ignore it, the more these feelings were in front of my face. it wasn't that rare that I crashed on the floor crying out loud, when will this go away. What more do I need to do: meditation, yoga, books....Ha, but I forgot about the most important - human conversation about my feelings. All this were just my own emotions and fears and expectations and wishes that wanted to get out! For me to hear myself!!! Something which I was never thought like a child. Knowing that I know no more than 5 feelings, came like a shock to me! And then came a moment of enough hide and seek. I admitted to myself I can't do it no more. I can't live like this, I was shaking and drifting, felt like a stranger to myself and all i wanted was my old life and old me. In a second!  Or at least some sort of life and a little bit more of me! And I asked for help! Confrontation that I have a problem, which is socially stigmatized was one of the hardest things in my life. Simple confession to myself.

I dont believe in coincidences in life. I asked God for help and I received it. Signs were sent to me in a day and I saw them, sent a big thank you to God and this was a beginning of new me, new life and finally I think I know (Im still not sure about it) what some of the spiritual books are about. And I cherish Life and am no longer afraid of it. I know life is a battle. That's an axiom. But battles are here just to push us onwards, towards happines and new events and Im 100% sure, that what lies ahead of us is far better than what we leave behind, we just need to have the guts to make this first step, which will turn our life upside down.

So to anyone out there who reads this and has problems and faces difficult times and is afraid...not afraid, freaking scared! Trust me, when you surrender to life, life is there for you. It brings you things you couldn't imagined in your wildest dreams! And what is most important, you really really start living your life. Not by the book, not who you should or must, but simply like you want it. And im eternally thankful for all the years of fear and difficult moments and rough times and crying and shouting....cause now I cherish my Life. I no longer take it for granted, like something that is normal that we all have! I thank God each and every evening for what I have, even if I don't like it at the moment, because I know that when looking back in 5 years, I will know that it was necessary for me to grow, develop personality, be a better me and know what freedom is!

So know the big question: Why do we need suffering and fighting for life? That we don't take it for granted and start living it! So you know what, I think each and every one should have a battle in life, which we can win if we decide so, something to kick us out of our confort zone and face us with ourselves - only then we realize what life trully is about.

Choosig life and love

So after quite some time, when I was first of all going through pain and suffering from my last love, then struggling to surrender to my own feelings and when doing so, I met somebody. Somebody new, who came out of blue and made me feel again. And then he found me shattered and yet he still is here. On our first coffee actually on his birthday I fell apart crying and yet he stayed. He met me at my lowest, dressed in what I had to wear not to be naked, searching for myself and yet he stayed. Then came new year's and we knew each other quite well by then and still he was there next to me. And here came February and March and our dinners got longer, coffees more uniqe and friendly and although I got a grip of myself, there were still times when he was the only person who pulled me together in now time and yet he stayed. The last time I was listneing to my flaws, which I admit though, i.e. craving for knowing everything in advance and planning and not really surrendering to life and here he fails.

It was one evening we spent together...evening of laughing and fun times, full of intimate elaborations of old events, family gatherings, old lovers and sincere wishes. An evening I will most probably never forget, as It was of a kind. When we both put our masks down and were at our best. When we shared glasses and spoons and enjoyed that smoke outside on the balcony. When time stopped for us and all just was, was the very moment itself.

And then came a day when we said things out loud which we really meant. My deepeste wishes and his biggest fears. It was an afternoon when for the first time in my life I was proud of myself - I was actually capable of putting my heart out opened, saying I dont want to be just another friend, I want te be something more. Something I know we can create, cause neither of us is made and acts by social standards. We are both something special, and why not go for it. And for the first time in my life, I said, the hell with everything, let's see what faith has ready for me, I trust life!

And it's was a big strong no. Becuase what others might think. Because although he never tried something like this before, he knows what's going to happen - becuase he and I are just like everybod else! And here he faield, completely, utterly and perfectly failed.

It's beucase I trust life will be there for me, that I again dare to jump and see what happens. It's beacue I don't preach to others what im then not capable of doing. Its beacuse I say it out loud what I fear the most and yet I try my best to overcome it. Its because I trust my heart more than i trust my ego. It's beacuse comparing to others will never do it for me. It's beacuse I feel when something special is in the air and under no circumstances am willing to let it go.

That's why I always choose life and love over fear and what others will say. The moment I choose the other way, I become nothhing but the crowd. And I went through too much pain and suffering lately to choose ordinary again, when I just fell inlove in wierd and special. I know neither him nor I are ordinary, but this time it's no enough. And here again I choose life and love to know that all is okay and just the way it needs to be.

And yet again, never preach what you're not capable of doing. Choose silence, don't judge and grow and speak out only when you really mean what you're saying: all day, every day. That's integrity and that's how people will judge you.

A changed weekend

Just recently "somebody special" confronted me with quite some facts about myself and the majority of them were actually quite true. One of the things he pointed out was that if possible I would like to have my whole life planned out, know when and where will I get married and have children and how my career will go and in the end when and where will I die. And that it's time for me to really see that life isn't about planning and having everything under control all the time. And I do agree, to a certain point of course, but more than this he got me thinking why do I live my life the way I do.

And yet again I went deep inside my soul to see where and when has this started, to have a reality check why is it sometimes so difficult for me to surrender to life and loose control and maybe to nothing as a difference to always doing something! You see, with me, a day needs to be fully exploited! I mean it's sunny outside and there's not a machine in the world which could  tie me to spend the day inside! There's so much to do, to see, to read, to write in this life and to really have most out of everything! I want to keep on learning and reading and growing - If you take this away from me, you might just kill me!But then again if you want to have full days in life, this means some necessary planning and yes, control over time, otherwise one can never do sports, cook yummy lunch, meet friends, have the sweet afternoon nap, read a book, do some cleaning, visit family, yoga in the evening etc etc....

But then, this somebody was right....doing all this is great, sometimes - not every weekend! So you see, today, I wasn't sporty me, I did the necessary dishes and clothes washing, only went across town to friends' place for a long sunny sitting coffee and chitchat, i kept my afternoon nap, added lazy afternoon on the terrace reading and writing....not planning, just going with the flow of the day.

Another question popped up, do I do all the crazy things over the weekend because I really enjoy them, trully really completely? Or some of them are on my agenda just to simply fit in? To be able to say to myself ok my weekend was great, because during a weekend I NEED to do all these things, not because I want to...there's no clear answer up til now, which I think we all know what it means.

Fitting in our just being me - where's the thin line which makes us unique or just somebody who does things like everybody else just because you "ought to do" these things in this period of life. And doing this brings us safety, because we know we can identify with others, the crowd and can get approval. But do I really need so much approval? Well for the past some years I needed it, but now I'm slowly turning back to myself. Back to black hat and red lipstick, back to my roots of being me, back to the feeling when nothing in the world could scare me, cause I trust life - the thing is, it won't be back, it will be forward: forward to stronger me, towards to knowing myself and my shady side, towards to new challanges and towards to what my somebody special said: life isn't something we plan, life happens every minute. So I will try to be brave to get out of my comfort zone - for the n-th time in the past few months, and go on my second date with Life. My first one happened on January 2nd and so far it didn't get me disappointed! Let's see where Life will bring me over the weekends :).

Somebody

I hope that everybody has somebody special in life. Somebody is not just anybody and there is not a lot of somebodies in our life. Somebody changes and different periods of our life bring a different somebody to us.

My life just now has two somebodies. Two which were never on my schedule, well i don't even know if you can have a somebody on monthly or weekly agenda. Both somebodies know me inside out and with both I can trully be who I am. Both listen to me and are brutally honest. And they are really good listeners! They are completely different and yet both so close to me. And they both know me for very little time yet it feels like they've been with me for my whole life! Both were with me, wiping those heavy tears and both bring smile to my face which makes me feel beautiful. They both know when i really need them and when i need a kick in my last part of body with lovely curves!

My somebody is somebody who i can call in the middle of the night for an advice. It's somebody with whome I can talk about anything and admit my fears and the craziest things i have done in my life and nobody knows! My somebody is somebody who thinks i'm the most special and unique person in the world and loves me for it. My somebody is somebody where I don't need to fit in and can be myself. My somebody cracks jokes on my account and I love it and laugh along.

And the most important thing is that my somebody calms me down. Each and every time, doesn't matter if im angry or sad or disappointed or whatever....even when I feel whatever, my somebody is there. And somebody gives big strong hugs when I need them.

And I pray that everybody has a somebody!

Let it go

Letting go is the hardest thig in life and yet we circualarly need to let go of people, things, places, emotions, expectations, wishes, emotions...basically life is made out of "letting go-s" and the sooner we realize this the better for us. But can we really let things go? How do we know, that we actually let something go; is it a special feeling or maybe a sign send from up above?

It starts when we need to let go of mum and dad and make our first steps into this brave new world. When we experience freedom in line with heights of stairs and fences around where we walk.later on we loose our  first doll or truck and again we need to say goodbye to things we cherish the most. It might be moving away from grandparents or just waving farewell to our best friends who change houses that create lost in our heart and we don't quite know what to do with it. We then change freinds when we go to school and high school and university and change jobs. In between we have to let go of old lovers and friends and create space for new people. We go abroad for a while and first we let go of home town and all of a suddon it's letting go of our own country. Not to mention all the material things we let go in between: our favourite pair of jeans or sunglasses, old haircut which we decide to change for new one, first car is always a mileston on its own!

Then we have our wishes and emotions...for which I believe we shouldnt let go, at least not wishes. Emotions are here as the ocean...they move with us, sometimes they cause big long heavy waves and sometimes they splash in our heart. There are also moments of stillness, peace and quiet, well at least in my life they are pretty rare, but they do happen. Interestengly enough we normally let go of positive emotions much easier than sad ones...why cling to the bad, when we should hold on the good ones?

You see now, that every day we need to let go of ourselves when we fall a sleep...we let go of reality and surrender to our subconsiousness in which we yet again dream of having and letting things go. So why is it after all this time so difficult to let go? To leave life heading its own way, when we know, that in the end, we can't really do much against Faith and God's plans. Why don't we trust the course of events and let go of our constant planning and prejudice? And I am sure we all know the feeling when we courageously let go - it has a special name too, it's called freedom (!) and only our ego plays stupid games with our mind and wants us to stay still in our cave and not move or change or try something new!


A quote which always pops up in my mind when thinking about letting go is: Sometimes you just gotta trust, have faith, breath and let go and see what happens!

Signs or why you should always trust yourself!

I often hear people complaining, that they do not know what to do, what their next step should be, how to decide in this or that area, should they stay or should they go etc. Friends often come to me for a piece of advice and in the past I was all about giving advices and explaining what they should or shouldn't do, but this has changed in the past years. Who am I to tell people what to do? OK, I do feel very very well, how do they feel, but I am no God to have all the answers and in the end it needs to be us, who make the decision and take the responsibility.

Responsibility is yet another word, which I just recently re-discovered in a whole new aspect. Before it meant being on-time, doing what people tell you to do, respecting laws and also social norms, whereas lately I feel it. With me everything works in a way to feel. I need to feel people and I need to feel words, values...myself. So I felt responsibility towards myself and it's enormous and at first it freaked me out! But then it gave me strenght and made me feel free. It is difficult to choose correct words to describe this special moment, when my life got a new perspective. I realised, I don't need to do things for other people and I am doing them for myself. If I fight I am fighting for myself and otherwise I choose who I fight for. There is no "must-s" in life, there are only "I choose to-s". And then, when one really explors this feeling, the decisions we make are much less automatic, but this also means, that we are more uncertain and keep on searching for some arguments which in case of a bad decision would turn into excuse.

Well what happens to me is the following: I have noticed that whenever I feel like I am in a dead end, a sign comes. At first maybe I dont't really see it, but then one step later it comes as a huge add board, blinking at me! And then all is really really simple! What I suggest is this: 

1) Trust your guts! Really, trust them! As Jobs said, "Intuition somehow always knows what you trully want!" So observe yourself, give yourself a little time and always try to feel the very first moment, when you are faced with a question or a decision. That very first second, because after that, your mind turns on and it's too late! Your ego will always find excuses why it's much nicer and easier to stay in your comfort zone and just don't move! And if you start living your life like this, you can't make a bad decision! No way! All my best decisions in my life were made like this and they brought me happiness and joy and new experiences and people! So go out there and TRUST YOURSELF!

2) Look for signs! Ask God/Universe/Angels for a sign and you will receive it in no time! Normally, it appears as a song with very straighforward lyrics, billboard in front of your eyes, quotation on web, random conversation which your hear on the bus...and you know what they say, coincidence is God's way for staying annonymous. And don't doubt! That's the most important thing you need to know..never doubt!

3) If really necessary, ask people you trust for an advice. But then again, it won't be them who will bear with consequences of the decision and will be you, so be careful.

And know that in the end everything is just the way it needs to be for us grow and all is okay! Just always and no matter what, trust yourself!

Change

Play this and read.

And I'm back. It's been exactly one calendar year that I was not blogging. And All is Okay. Well....All is okay, was and always will be, it just depends on how I see the lessons. Last winter was nice, sunny, not so cold. I skied a lot. Spring was time for my girls and some crazy adventures. In summer I started to discover myself. Fall brought shattered times and soul searching. 2014 was an interesting year. I danced a lot. I love to dance...a dance I wished for a long time happened. It was short but sweet. A travel year I wished and a travel year I receveid. Travelling around Europe and Asia. And most of all I received a long, difficult never-ending travel into the depths of my soul. Somewhere I never have been before, in the dark caves and light open sky, where the biggest demon and best friend was myself. Just me. Nobody hurt me, nobody wanted anything from me. Just me, myself and I. I think 2014 was the most important year of my life, actually. I finally adimitted to myself my flaws, my fears, my demons, my old loves, my new loves, my loved-ones, my wishes, my dreams. I had to. Universe said it's enough of hide and seak.

A lot of people do not know what has been hapenning to me. And they are no longer part of my life. A few knew exactly what went on and I hold to them dearly. For some I know they felt me and some still do. Some were just next to me. Understood my alone-times and were perfectly fine with it. Some wiped my tears and brought a smile to my face. I met exactly one new person who has had important influence on me. Somebody who caused rock'n'roll inside me again in no-time....not even again, but just caused it as it appears, I never knew rock'n'roll so far...and met me when I was at my lowest. In my far far lowest moments, when all I did was breath in, breath out. And somehow is still here. And knows me like we knew each other for 25 years.

It was a year of challanges on how to put theory into practice. A year of honest words, sincere laughing, tears....many strong, sticky, tears which come with shaking. Tears crying out my pain, broken heart(s), old feelings and especially fears. Tears which brought new teachers in my life for whome I am endleslly greatful and know, will not leave. One special person was my port in the wildest storm of life. Showed me it's okay to be weak. It's okay to shout and laugh and cry. And December was dedicated to him. He knows how it is. From our first 20min, he feels me and I feel him. And his Christmas present was one of the best gifts I received in my life.

Then there were tears which showed me, who trully understands, and sometimes just listens. Doesn't judge, doesn't preach and just is. Next to me. I know know which hug comforts me, which one is honest and which one fake. And then there were tears of laughing....of sincere honest crazy laughing.

A year of "a first"s. First time in new land. First psychoanalysis. First honest confrontation with the Father. First "go to hell". First masterclass. First angry shout. First connection. Firstl feelings of other. First time being a boss. First "I can't do this any longer". First time admitting I am simply different. First chapter of my book. First search for my own new flat. First taking of my own responsibilities. First not-blaming you. First honest conversations. A lot of significant firsts for 365 days.

I begin 2015 different. Still a bit scared, unsecure, in a need of love - pure, honest, love. The kind of love I can feel will do me good. The kind which isn't scared of new paths. The kind that doesn't demand anything in return. The kind that respcets me.

The change is the only constant and all is okay.
I just need to put this change into practice. And this is what 2015 will be about.